A
female
age
,
*am22
writes:Am I being too sensitive when I expect my boyfriend of one year to invite me to family events? I have met some family members and he has met some of mine, so I don't understand why he does not invite me to cookouts, dinners, etc when he is with his family. We are both older and divorced. He has younger children(who I have met), and I have an adult child. We have definitely reached certain milestones, and I think that we have a good relationship. However, I am confused why I am not invited to family functions. I am independent and secure, and I don't need to be with him all of the time because I have my own life. Am I being too sensitive about this matter? And yes, I have asked to attend and he just kind of blows me off. Please advise...
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Tisha makes a really good point at the end that I can relate to. My wife and I both were once divorced and I started dating her just 6 months after my first wife and I split. I was not ready for commitment for a long time and we didn't decide to live together for over 4 years and took another 2 to decide to marry. She did the same thing as me when she split with her hubby 3 years earlier and still wasn't ready to commit until we had dated for perhaps a year or so. She waited another 3 years for me to reach that point.
A
female
reader, jam22 +, writes (27 July 2009):
jam22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Good possiblity from "Sincerely yours" second response. I didn't think of that. As I said before, I will continue on with my full life and doing more of what I want to do..Your bits of advice are appreciated again
...............................
A
female
reader, jam22 +, writes (27 July 2009):
jam22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks to Tisha-1...you are right on some things, but way off on many others. My guy is a compartmentlizer too, and I know and respect this about him so I have learned to respect his privacy and leave him to his own life. However, I don't hover or need to tell him EVERY little thing about my life or day because as I stated I have a very full life of my own. However, when he sends mixed messages that he misses me so much( because I have been so busy with my own life)but then he does not invite me when we do have a day or moment together, it confuses me. I am very comfortable in own skin and don't need to be in a relationship, especially one with a man who is obviously still confused himself. I believe in being direct and communicating one's feelings and thoughts. So wish-washy behavior does not work for me. He is a good guy, but I wonder if he is really ready for a relationship. Thanks for the suggestion of the book..it sounds interesting and possibly helpful just for bettering oneself as a person in a relationship, not just for a woman. As yes, I have already decide to back off from this relationship for a bit and do some things alone and with other friends. But your suggestion of compartmentalizing is definitely appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Okay, this is going to sound weird, but I didn't meet my now-husband's sister until AFTER we were engaged at the age of 34. Seriously. And I only met his family a couple of times.
My guy is a compartmentalizer. That means work goes over here, family goes over here, wife goes over here, friends are here. I overlap now on most things, except work. That stays mostly separate and honestly, that's fine with me. He doesn't need me leaning over his shoulder there, offering helpful advice. (That's the problem with being an agony aunt, you think you have all the answers.)
He was hesitant to bring me around to his family because that would signal to them that I was THE ONE and he wasn't sure he could make that kind of commitment to me just yet. Obviously, he worked through that and we did get married.
I'd let it go for now. For many men, I think getting serious about someone means the loss of freedom and of opportunity. Marrying definitely eliminates options (unless he's the cheatin' kind of man) that staying loosely involved allows.
I would stop pushing him to include you, and I would also make sure that I had very fun and entertaining things to do involving meeting lots of available men when he was attending those functions. Also, I would be less available to him and keep a sense of mystery--he doesn't need to know EVERY little detail about your day. Perhaps he'll start to appreciate you more if there's some worry you might be swept off your feet by another guy because this one hasn't done it yet.
You've only been dating a year. Give it some more time, and get back to us after another 6 months or so. In the meantime, I would refer you to my boyfriend user's manual, the one that helped me get through my courtship with my now husband: A Fine Romance, by Judith Sills PhD. I have no financial interest in this book, nor do I know the author or have any connection with it whatsoever. It was just the book from all the hundreds that worked for me. It's pretty old now and should be found used for not too much money.
Hope this helps, hang in there, making a commitment is tough for many people and if he's skittish after a divorce, he might require some special understanding and patience.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Here is one possible reason that I do speak to with experience. It is possible that they complain about every woman who he is involved with, at least at first and perhaps for a long time after. I went through that until I was in my mid 30s. That is when my mother died and then I could ignore the rest of the family. Everyone except one aunt would find fault in any woman who I dated, including my first wife. She was a good person and they had no reason to find such fault in her. One aunt was different. After my current wife and I had been dating for just over 4 years, my wife (gf at time) told that one aunt that we had decided to live together. She was very happy for us, but warned my gf not to even think of mentioning it to the rest of the family. One of the aunts once found out that I had spent the night at her house and asked me what was I doing with a woman like that. We had been dating for several months at the time. If his family is like this then there is no doubt in my mind why he doesn't take you to family gatherings.
In any case, you need to talk to him about this and get him to admit what the problem is or why he doesn't if there is no real problem.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): maybe he's afraid of the reactions he will get from him family for moving on after his divorce so quickly?
...............................
A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 There may be a good reason why he won't take you along. Only by asking him why will you find out if that is the case so that, I think should be your starting point.It may be for example that he doesn't want you to go because he's insecure about his family and doesn't want you to think less of him if you don't like them..o but then that should be your decision, not his. (this happened with an ex of mine)So talk to him about his reasons -and good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, jam22 +, writes (27 July 2009):
jam22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the current answers...no his ex does not attend(they are not friendly with one another). #2 He was married for many,many years, and he is only recently divorced.So he has not dated much, and seriously not at all. And yes, I do think that he is holding back, and he sends mixed messages...for example, one day he talks about "when" we get married, and then another time he is distant, closed off, and unwilling to talk. Very confusing situation, but I am trying to understand...anyway, curious to see other answers from dear cupid group
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Instead of telling you what you can do about this, I will offer you a bit of insight as to where he is coming from, and you can take it from there. Please realize i do not speak from presonal experience so my apologies for however far off i may be.
I this may be due to his past. How many people has be been with? If he has taken previous girlfriends to family events and it has not gone well, then this is a possible but not exactly plausible reason for him not taking you. Futhermore, if he has taken them to the event and had an unfortunate break up thereafter, then he was sure to have gotten many questions from those family members that she met. Things such as, "oh how is that nice woman we met?" In which case, after the break up, he would've had to explain to abot a million people that they were no longer together.
OR
If he took some ladies and they were very well-liked and thigns went very well, then would he not have recieved judgement and disappointment coming from those who met her? They may ask "why would you break up with such a lovely young woman?" and that would be quite irritating, when they knew nothing of their relationship. Only what they saw for that breif period of time.
So you see, it can be quite a hassle to introduce a significant other to a lot of family members. I'm nt saying he's planning on breaking up with you and i'm not saying he's not happy with you. I'm only saying that he may have had bad experience in the past with this. Or he may be waiting for an engagement to take place and things are more set in stone. Thus, when you ask him why he doesn't take you, he may blow you off becuase he doesn't know how to ansewr you without bringing up an engagement, which may feel awkward at this point to him.
I just ask you to consider this, and not be angry if i am terribly off.
~Sy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (27 July 2009):
Next time he tries to blow you off ask why, you have every right to know where you stand.
However in your post your very self assured, maybe hes not so much. You describe yourself as independant and secure, maybe hes not and that affects him in some way, hes holding back for a reason and as you are both hoping to move forward you need to ask him what it is.
Id start with something along the lines of look its been a year i just want to get to know your family and be apart of it with you... if he still holds back then theres a bigger issue stand your ground and state that your both old enough to handle this type of situation better.
Everyone needs a balance in a relationship and although your giving it hes not, it needs to work both ways.
Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Does his ex attend any of these family events?
...............................
|
