A
female
age
30-35,
*ucy.whittaker
writes:Hi everyone,I need some advice. Today I had an awful day. I bumped into an ex who totally screwed up my life (I moved to Uni with him and he broke up with me after two weeks when we were living together) two years ago who I'd managed not to see him at all in a year and a half. In that time I've managed to put my life back together and I'm in a long distance relationship with a really lovely guy and have been since the summer. The problem is that after I saw my ex my day went from bad to worse, had a massive fight with my housemate, had really bad classes and a crap grade come back then had a panic attack in my last lecture and a friend had to come pick me up and take me home. She and I had a few drinks this afternoon to calm me down and to talk it over, but I'm not drunk now and I wasn't drunk then. After a rough day I really needed to talk to my boyfriend, but he didn't respond to a text I sent that clearly said I was upset and I needed him. It wasn't until 10pm tonight that he called me, and he'd been at his sisters all evening. He never talks to me when he's around his family, and I've never met them even though we've been together for 8 months now. It sometimes worries me that he doesn't let me into his life like that. Even so, he called and though I found it hard, told him everything that happened today. He barely said anything in reply, other that he hopes I'm alright and to sleep it off, implying that I was drunk and being stupid. Then he just said goodnight and went.I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I feel like I really needed him to be there for me tonight, and he didn't pull though. I got a 7 minute phone call at the arse end of his day.What do you think? Am I being too needy, or should he have bothered to try and make me feel better? Earlier in the evening I spoke to my Mum, and she hates being on the phone but she talked to me for an hour because she knew how upset I was. I just wish he'd been there when I needed him. Makes me worry that if ever I did really, REALLY need him that he wouldn't be there... There's never been that kind of test on our relationship.Thanks for reading,Lucy
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I think you are overreacting.
You can't really compare your mom...and a long distance boyfriend of 8 months ! Different roles, different expectations.
Also, I don't want to sound critical, but I wonder how often you expect him " to be there for you ". I mean, what you described is .... just a normal day in a normal life . Shit happens. Mean ex boyfriends, pesky housemates. The boss yells at you at work. You get a parking ticket. A friend disappoints you. This is -life, I guess, - and while I surely do not deny you the right to get stressed out about whatever and to have your own breaking point- if
you are always,or often, so reactive to the negative episodes in your life, it can be a case of "boy who cried wolf " and maybe your BF waits for a real emergency to show you massive support.
Also, people can't read mind and young males least of all.
And especially from a distance, it's hard to gauge how really upset a person is and exactly what she wants us to do for her and in which way. Just tell him- I need you to
talk to me, and spend special time with me because today I feel upset, or frail, or worried etc.etc. You are probably thinking : " But if he loved me, he KNEW what I need from him " . This is simply- not what happens. A person can love you to bits and not being able to read your emotional map just like that, at the drop of a hat.
Lastly,a word of caution, a partner is not a pacifier or a
band aid who is authomatically supposed to "make you feel better ". Don't use people as emotional crutches and don't demand they volunteer for the role. It's nice if they do it ,of course- but that's not their job. The only person who is responsible for making you feel better is YOU.
Use whatever means you think suitable - counseling, meditation, writing a diary, working up a sweat at the gym, posting on Dear Cupid etc.etc.- but do not foist the responsibility for changing your mood on your loved ones.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): The best people to spill out your problems to when you've had a bad time is a girlfriend or your Mum. Especially if an ex is involved in your agonies. Men are not always that great at that sort of thing. So I would not interrupt it as anything worrying.
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