A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My father died before I was born and I've never met any of his family. I was an only child and was brought up by a loving mother, who passed away when I was 21. Strong and no nonsense woman as she was, she was the pillar of our family. Their siblings and my cousins turned to her for help, which ranged from advice to “borrowing” money and letting them sleep on our couch for a few weeks (that sometimes turned into months). When she died, some of them continued to ask me for assistance. As I wasn’t financially stable, asking for money was mostly out of the question, but I was alone and living in a big house, how could I refuse to let some of them live with me for a while? Not to mention that I really cared for them and that I didn’t want to lose the only family I had in the world. When I got married, things changed. I couldn’t let my home be a train station any longer, so I introduced a few new rules. Slowly, but surely I started saying “no” to things that bothered me. As you may guess, this was considered as a bad influence of my husband and my genetics (yes, they even dragged my dead father into it). These small conflicts culminated into a big one. My cousin had a business proposal I couldn’t accept (I was about 28 at the time, pregnant with my first son). After my refusal to leave my work and move to another city, none of my cousins (nor aunts for that matter) spoke to me again. They were unanimous. I was the outcast. The world’s getting smaller and smaller with the Internet and social networks. A week ago, one of my cousins found me on one of them. He just sent a request. Maybe he just wants to enlarge his list of contacts, maybe he really misses me, or…My children don’t have cousins, uncles or aunts. One small table is enough for family gatherings. I miss having a family. I miss some of them more than the others. But, I’m afraid that they would want something from me, to say the ugly truth. On the other hand, I don’t want to be insensitive. Can people change? Why contacting me now? Through my friends back home, I know that they’ve been keeping tabs on me…where I live, what I do… I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed. My husband is very supportive. He thinks I should give them a chance. I’m scared that if I open even the smallest of doors that the whole flood would be rushing in. I couldn’t handle that…I’m desperate. I need objective advice…
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I'm probably the wrong one to answer this because unlike you I have no need for a big family. But, some of my acquaintances have some pretty dysfunctional families. I have seen situations just like yours.
My advice is to take it in baby steps. Facebook is a good way to start. Remember the rules you laid down years ago. Make sure they are still in force and that you have the full backing of your Husband to keep then in force. No "borrowing" No moving in. No family events at your house. Your immediate family is more important to your happiness than your extended family. So keep that priority foremost. Never let them disrupt your homelife, financial security, or relationship with your husband. Those are the most common troubles I see.
FA
A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 You are not obliged to have any contact with your family if you really don't want it. However you do sound as though you want to but you're understandably afraid of what the consequences may be.
Do you miss them as people or do you just miss the idea of having a big family? Because having a big family stands for nothing if they don't genuinally care for you.
The way I see it you have nothing to lose. They may have realised their mistake and want to make ammends with you. If you feel you can give them a second chance then it's worth a shot. If they are only after something for themselves then you can still walk away and you won't have lost anything. You won't have to wonder 'what if' and you won't be dealing with the fall out by yourself this time as you'll have your husband to support you.
There's really no rush to make a decision about this until you've had time to think things through properly. Don't let anybody hurry you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I think having an extended family is difficult in our mobile society and people just move on with their lives. If this cousin has contacted you there is no harm in talking to him or keeping in touch.You don't have to be afraid if you know how to set firm boundaries. You know what you will and will not tolerate in your relationships with them, it doesn't matter if they don't like it, it's your life, you have the right to decide things for yourself.So it really is up to you. You can't change people or control them, what you can do is change your reactions to them or how you let them make you feel by setting your boundaries and standing firm on them.Good luck to you.
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