A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my problem is this my girlfriend of 3 years is making me very uncomfortable with her behaviour. She is texting an ex school friend of hers and has admitted this guy likes her and that if she wasnt with me she would probably go for him.The thing is I have caught her twice deleting texts from him I only confronted her the second time, she said that the guy text saying he was watching porn so deleted it, will never know what it actually said so just have to trust her I guess but if she doesn't like what he is saying why keep texting?Since I confronted her there is no texts from him or to him I know I should never snoop but can't get it out of my head. I found out last night from my snooping that as soon as she finishes work she rings him before anyone else even her mum (she reports to her mum like a parole officer). I also notice that there is an hour gap between her ringing him and her meeting her friend who she told me met her straight after work. I know for a fact this guy passes her workplace every single day.I didn't even know she was meeting her friend till I got home and she wasn't in and rang her which annoys me a bit more cause she can phone him straight away but after 3 years I have to chase her? I even had to drive to pick her up when she had finished and she doesn't have the respect to let me know what she was doing (had been at work from 8 - 6So do I let her get on with it or keep an eye on it, am I also right to be annoyed and suscpicious. i'm 23 she is 19
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male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 PS (again): Did you guys talk about this? I don't see anyone mentioning that, and maybe everyone is going past the obvious: after 3 years I would guess you should be at a stage where you speak to each other about what annoys you and makes you uncomfortable. That doesn't make her actions any more excusable - and neither does it make you in any way responsible for them, but I think that if you want this relationship to work - despite the harm that has already been done - then I suppose you have to talk to her frankly about these things and how they affect you.
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 if you are uncomfortable with someone having other friends or if you are uncomfortable and insecure about yourself do us both a favor and her both a favor and end the relationship because she doesn't need to be a part of it. you are there are in a relationship for you guys are faking. oh relationship. there is no in between
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 You need to let go of her or at least take a break and be alone for a bit and let her figure out what she wants.
She's enjoying the fact that she's desired by this other guy. Its an ego boost. She's just going with whatever's happening and not even thinking about how much she's hurting you, nor is she able to understand the consequences of her actions. The other guy most likely treats her like a queen and says all the right things to impress her. She likes the attention, that's why she's getting closer to him.
Step back, don't play second fiddle to anyone. You cant spend your days snooping around and wondering what she's doing, every single minute. She is selfish. Sorry, but your relationship might have run its course, unless of course she completely stops this business with the other guy.
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A
male
reader, rolfen +, writes (12 October 2011):
F. that, do you want any of that? Snooping on her? loosing sleep? Or just having her text another guy you're not comfortable with? This kind of stuff is valid reason to get out, because even if you put up with it you'll probably hold a grudge against her afterwards, and if she doesn't get the problem now, then chances are she wont... and you won't feel better... BUT I'm really getting ahead of myself here, I think. I've been there, so it's a bit sentimental for me. But in your case, it may be not so bad. You may have a problem with the guy telling her he watches porn! Obviously you should, and normally she should ignore him if he makes such comments. So if that's the case, maybe nothing wrong happened yet.
What I was saying is that if it gets worst - or if it is already bad enough for you to handle... after all you see more, feel more and know better then me, then you have a valid reason to get out, even if she's not technically cheating.
Good luck :-)
PS: If that's too hard to do, what you maybe need now is a break. It's your right to ask for one and get one as long as you're not being unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 I agree with serenity80, maybe it's time to let her go. She is obviously placing this other man above you, her actions tell you that much. Anyone in your position would be upset, angry, jealous, feel betrayed. However, your reaction to this doesn't bother her. You've talked about it, yet she continues. Reacting more and more will not make her stop, because she doesn't see things your way, or understand them at best. At worst she actually IS in love with this other man and is stringing you along because you are practical to have around.
It is dodgy behaviour to send text and encourage a man who obviously is interested in her. If he sent her a text saying he was watching porn that was a clear indication that he's overstepped the "friendship only" line, and is full on courting her, at least trying to have sex with her. And she ACCEPTS this?! That's what beats me. After 3 years in a relationship she should know better.
So, with her knowing how you feel, with her knowing this man is looking for more, and with her knowing she is crossing the lines of what is acceptable in a relationship (the sneaking around, hiding things from you, putting others first), is she really worth it? It hurts, yes, but it's not your fault that she isn't loyal to you. And you can't force her to be loyal either. Maybe it's time you and her took a break.
I don't think you are being paranoid. Your gut is telling you this ain't right, and you should listen to that feeling instead of trying to rationalize it away.
Have one final discussion about this. Either she cuts him out completely, and no funny business, or you walk.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (12 October 2011):
I think people mean if you are jealous for no reason it pushes them away.
But your girlfriend is carrying on with this other guy because she is more interested in him, than she is you.
There are times when taking a back seat and trusting someone and giving them space is the right thing.
Other times, it requires you to do something. Your girlfriend is not acting in the right way for someone who wants to be in a relationship, you need to do something rather than nothing because it seems like she is carrying on with this guy and totally disrespecting along the way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies, the thing that confuses me is people say if you are too jealous it pushes the other person away so how do you deal with it when if you say something and its all innocent i push her away and if i say nothing it pushes me away?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): wash your hands and get out before she hurts you.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (12 October 2011):
I would be just as paranoid and jealous as you are. However I think you are responding wrong to this, the more you snoop, and want her to see him less, the more she will distance herself from you and go closer to this other guy.
I think you either need to make the call, is she really in to this other guy? If so, maybe time to call time on the relationship. It sounds that way to me. I mean, sneaking around you and deleting texts - that is pretty dodgy behaviour.
If you don't want to break up, then your best bet would be to go out and see your own friends, do things that make you feel better about yourself and give her space. If she sees what she is loosing, maybe she will want to try and see you more, and him less. But it seems to me things have gone too far for this to happen.
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