A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is doing something that is making her happy and while im not happy and she wont quit because she loves doing it but it takes a lot of time out of being together but then she says she loves me more than anything... am i being to harsh about telling her to stop because it makes me depressed or does she love the thing she is doing more?
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male
reader, Dr. Mark  +, writes (16 April 2007):
If you don't mind my two cents worth....
If what she is doing does not physically hurt another person, and does not involve taking property that does not belong to her, then she is her own boss. You cannot control another person, you have only yourself to look after. If her choice of actions are not compatable with your desires, then it is time to evaluate your position. Do not be controlling.
A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (16 April 2007):
 She being a hooker? Then you're totally not being harsh asking her to stop. I doubt she's robbing banks, we'd have heard of that on the news by now:-P
Well whatever she's doing, she shouldn't be leaving you alone for so long. Just cos she says she loves doesn't make you feel that she does. Maybe you need to emphasise that point
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (15 April 2007):
 It depends on just what it is she is doing. Is it an illegal thing or something that is morally wrong? If you're referring more to a hobby she's got or maybe a college course or something she is doing then consider why she is doing it and how you would feel being asked to give up the same thing. It's not a case of loving what she is doing more than you, it's learning to compromise so you don't feel less important. You can't ask her to quit, only to try and understand you a little more.
CD
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): depends wot she doin
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): What is it that she is doing?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 April 2007):
 I think you left out some key information here. Is she robbing banks? It would be easier to anser if we knew what she was actually doing. Otherwise, we're only guessing.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (15 April 2007):
 I can only assume that what ever she is doing is not a sport. The fact that you have'nt mentioned what she does raises the obvious question..
She has to understand that if it takes that much time out of your relationship, she has to be reasonable about this. It is making you unhappy because of the time you are losing out being with her and she can see this.
If she is aware of this fact, she must act and come to some sensible agreement with you and this other activity. There has to some middle ground, so dont worry I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, you are concerned which is a good thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): But, you aren't specific about what it is, anon.. If it is a hobby or sport, that many others do, you might try getting interested in it yourself. Is this not so different from the complaints of many women about their bf's or hubby's interests, whether it be sports, or biking, or cammping out and fishing? Most women, if they really care for and want to stay in a relationship with their men, accept these things and don't put out an ultimatum like, "me or your hobbies". That is a sure killer for a relationship, and I would say it is the same in your case. What is it you are jealous of? The thing itself, or the time she puts into it? It is a childish lover who expects the "beloved" to have only them in their lives, with no other interests. Just some thoughts. Tom
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (15 April 2007):
Was she doing this actvity when you met her?
Was she spending the same amount of time doing it then as now?
For example, let's suppose she is a golfer, and spends all day Saturday and all day Sunday playing golf, and on the other 5 week nights, she goes to the driving range.... then how much time do you have left to spend together?
Is it more or less than when you first met? If she is now spending more time than before, then you have the right to ask why. But if you want her to spend less time, then why is that???
For example, in my golfer example, you can still see her most evenings during the week, and in the evenings on the weekend after she has been out all day.
Could you take up the same activity and spend some time with her doing it too? Could you meet her at the club afterwards?
Stating your needs re seeing each other is always acceptable, but understand that she has needs to do something else too, and that this doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (15 April 2007):
No, if she really means what she says then she should appreciate and respect your dislike or unhappiness. She may need help with it and if you want to help, so be it, but be prepared for a long journey where YOU put yourself on the line all the time, because it will be about her. If you are determined to help her, care and do anything to help her then that is the best support you can offer, if she fucks about, lies etc, she doesn't accept she has a problem...and you being out the picture as much as you love, consider her might open her eyes to what 'good' is and how to achieve it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Tell her that you aren't a door-mat and that you deserve her love, companionship and consideration. Time alone really does bring you to your senses horribly, but do it, it might be horrible for you and her, but the best outcome will come from it, because she will understand why.
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A
female
reader, lostinlife +, writes (15 April 2007):
No your not being harsh but it shouldn't be like either me or your hobbie try to reason with her and maybe you can come to a compromise. Life is way too short to be unhappy. Spend every free momment together enjoying life.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (15 April 2007):
 We obviously dont know what it is she is doing that is making you unhappy, but if its something she loves, it would be unfair to ask someone to stop doing it.
My boyfriend is a roadie for bands. He is on tour at least 6 to 8 months of the year. We have very little time together. I miss him terribly when he is away, but he enjoys it! I could never ask him to give up something that he loves for me.
If I asked, he would give it up. But it would make him unhappy and if we ever had an arguement, it would be thrown up in my face that I asked him to give it up.
Try and come to a compromise! If there is no way of compromising, then you have to make the hard decision of whether you still want to be with someone that will continue doing this, or if you want a clean slate and move on.
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