A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Ok here is my issue. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. In the beginning he was cheating on me all the time and I was really hurt by it so I found myself a lover and everytime I knew my boyfriend was cheating on me , I went to my lover. I have to also say that cheating hurts me more than anything and I thought that if i did it too it wouldnt hurt so much, but i was wrong. Anyways, he had a dozen partners including my "best friend" . So when I found out I was pregnant, around the same time I really found out the extent of his infidelity ( i knew he was cheating, but i never imagined he was cheating on me that much! ) , we promised eachother that we would never cheat again, kind of like starting over. This was especially an important promise on his part because he cheated on me throughout that whole part of our relationship whereas I only started cheating on him towards the end. The guy I slept with had been trying to sleep with me for over a year but I kept refusing until I knew that my boyfriend was cheating and i felt so rejected. Anyways, so its been a year since we had our son. I have not kept any contact with my lover and i have been completely faithful to my boyfriend. We are supposed to get married next summer.Two days ago i find out that he cheated on me a couple months ago ( slept with some girl ) I felt like somebody stabbed me through the heart. I couldnt believe after all we went through, that he would do that to me. And also, whenever I had asked him about cheating, he had gotten angry at me for accusing him. And it turns out I was right !!So he came home to talk to me. and he told me that he loves ME and when he cheated it was just a physical whim, there was no emotion, he can barely remember the girl's name ect. He said that what he has with me is different, that he "makes love" to me and "fucks" the other chicks. He never stays with them longer than it takes for him to put his pants back on .He also said he feels horrible that I feel so devastated but that he wishes i was a little bit more open minded . He said even though he loves only me and wants to be with only me , sometimes he wants variety for sex. He said ofcourse it would only be fair if I had variety for my sex too. He said, " Knowing that I love you with all my heart and we will be together for the rest of our lives, what does it matter if i fuck some broad once in a while? You can pick out who it is, you can even join in or watch" He suggested me finding a married friend who is willing to "partner swap" once every couple months.I know that some people actually have these kind of relationships.The thing is, i dont WANT another sex partner. I love my boyfriend and so i WANT ONLY HIM.the problem is we see sex so differently. I see it as emotional and physical intimacy and my boyfriend sees it just physical. He says that intimacy is kissing and cuddling which he only does with me.And if I watched him getting pleasure from another girl i would start bawling my eyes out.I think then there would be the issue of what if he gets more pleasure from her ?But he says thats not an issue. First of all, because he says he loves me and loves making love to me and hes not going to leave me because some chick is better in bed. And second of all, because he says Im good in bed anyways.Sorry this is so long but I just dont know what to do.On one side, I do know in my heart that he does love only me because he gets upset over me and he always comes home to me , and all the other girls he has slept with he confuses them all the time and cant remember their names and doesnt try to pursue anything more than sex with them.BUT it kills me to know that he finds pleasure in another girl and even if i did start sexual relationships with other men I wouldnt enjoy it. That man that had been my lover , I actually liked him on more than just a physical level. Sex is never just physical for me. DO you think it is worth a try to see how I respond to having an "open relationship" ? I can already feel in my heart as I am writing this that I will spend the time crying when I know he is with somebody else. Am i close=minded? Is it such a big deal ?Another thing is when he is having sex he really gets into it and moans and just imagining him doing that with some other girl is revolting to me. please help ?
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cheated on me, I love you, infidelity, kissing Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): I cannot believe he is 39!!! I guess it's true - some men never grow up.
You are a lot younger than him, and forgive me if I sound patronising, but do not have too much experience of life or relationships. That is why you are wondering if it is normal to have an open relationship. When you are younger you start to understand what you want from a relationship, build up your own set of relationship values and morlas and see what works for you.
It all depends what you think of yourself and how much you value yourself. Personally I would not want to be in an open relationship cause with me too sex is an emotional act. And he was cheating on you behind your back for a long time - that shows a total lack of respect and love for you.
How long do you want to suffer the humiliation he puts you through? Do you really think you are that worthless that he can treat you with such utter disrespect. I don't think you are - no-one is that worthless.
In cases of victims and abusers - they always say that until the victim turns around and says 'stop, this behaviour is unacceptable' and doesn't put up with it anymore (ie leaves them) then the abuser will carry on.
You are so young, and true love is a precious and beautiful thing. You deserve more than this - you deserve someone who treasures you and respects you. Why put up with this when you can have something better?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question **anonymous female reader - i get checked out every few months. And as much as I wish I could say that I never contracted anything from him, that would be lie. That is how I found out about this woman he slept with.
**Accountable - you are so right. I don't want my son to grow up to be a womanizer. In the other aspects of being a father, he is loving and caring so I do think I will give him one last chance. At the same time I think i should try to prepare myself to cut ties if/when he does screw up again. Emotionally - surrounding myself with close friends, finding things that I enjoy doing ,ect. We live together but the lease is under only my name. I am moving in a couple months so if his behaviour doesn't noticeably change, he just wont be moving in to the new place with me and our son. The good thing is, i have sole custody of our child which i think is the most important thing!
thankyou both for your replies. When I had written the post, I really wondered if alot of people would think that my wish for total monogamy was too "close-minded ". I am glad to hear all your opinions
thanks = )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVectra- the baby is my boyfriend's. My son was conceived around the time of my boyfriend's birthday and I never had a doubt it was his ... but we did a paternity test anyways just to be sure. Yeah, i have to admit sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never fall in love, because then i wouldnt feel so hurt. lol it totally is a can of worms. Thank you for your reply = )
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A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 I honestly can't understand how you've convinced yourself to put up with this trainwreck of a relationship for 4 years. I've heard the expression "love endures all", but I am not convinced that covers being emotionally abused by lying, cheating partners! What he has done to you is horrible and he doesnt deserve to have any woman wasting her time by standing by his side.
I don't see this man's attitude towards sex ever changing, and as such you need to decide whether you are willing to keep putting up with it for the rest of your life. Another issue I feel I should highlight is your son's upbringing, and both you and your fiancee's actions' impact on him. I know I would never want to allow a child to be brought up by a father who every day lived as an example that sex is nothing more than a physical fulfilment of need, and that its ok to cheat on your significant other so long as you're only using another woman for sex and not loving her.
I strongly urge you to cut all ties. This is something you should not have to compromise on. Find yourself a healthy, stable relationship, for you and your son's sake.
Good luck. :) xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): your bf/ fiance will not change. yo cannot make him change. leave while you still can. and PLEASE do not have any more kids with him. he will cheat on you until there is no life left in him. he cares nothing for you, but alsas you cannot see this. this man is 39 years old, how old are you? i am sure he has babies with other women too. nothing will come from this relationship with him. he is one of those men who cannot be monogamous. variety is what he wants and variety is what he gets.
have you thought of getting a m onthly sti check up. with him putting his dick ito so many vaginas you will never know what is lurking around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Well you have had 4 years and still aint figured him out so is there any point in telling you this guy is full of bull. And if you want to see how "open minded" he really is tell him you have screwed around too. Is the baby his or the ex lovers. Its a can of worms isnt it ? TBH it makes me glad to be single.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGrimmReality - . ummmm I never said i was better than him. I fully realize that i sunk down to his level. That is why, if you read my last comment you would see that I said I really regretted it. I KNOW that it was the wrong way to react, I never said i was the bigger person here at all.
However,
I think you are missing the point of the fact that we started over. And in this "new" relationship of ours , I have been faithful completely.
I do agree with you on the fact that my boyfriend is a bit immature, especially for his age of 39.
Its kind of funny because I wasn't going to say anything about you being insensitive. You don't need to "remind" me that i asked for opinions lol. I am fully aware of that.
Personally, I think you're a bit quick to make assumptions based on a couple of paragraphs . Trust me, I know the meaning of love and commitment. If you felt what I feel for my son, you would know that too.
But anyways, thanks for your input. = )
Celiaalletta -
I can see now how that sounds confusing. Basically, I always wanted only my boyfriend. I would go to him, he would reject me, and when I went to the other man, I still wished it was my boyfriend I was with. Whereas, my boyfriend could tell that i wanted him, and he would instead go to someone else. That is why it hurts me so much. Does that make more sense? I hope so . Anyways,
i think I will try one last time to see if he can be monogamous and then you're right. I dont want my son to see me so insecure and miserable when he grows up.
Thank you for writing = )
Take Care
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 lol....(rolls eyes)
By cheating, regardless of your BF cheating on you, you sink to the same level as him.
neither of you would know the meaning of love and commitment if it rolled over you in a tank.
Give us a damn damn break
Please grow up before you launch into a relationship with anyone. Both you and your BF are far too immature to handle it.
Oh and before you decide to come back and blast me as being insensitive, need I remind you that you are the one who is asking what we think, so you better be able to take the good with the bad. after all, if you cant take it on an anonymous forum, its gonna be pretty hard to deal with it in real life.
You put it out there, we give you our impressions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCeliaalleta - id like to correct you on one point. the guy i hooked up with was not "some random guy". He was a friend of mine . Also, when I said I went to my lover, I should have worded it differently. I did go to him everytime, but most times we just hung out and talked about how upset i was . I slept with him 4 times, out of the many times we just hung out . I went 2 and a half years of being faithful until i hooked up with him.
I agree with you that what i did was wrong. But i didnt do it just to have someone get in my pants. I didnt do it because i wanted my lover more than my boyfriend. I was rejected by my boyfriend. He would tell me to go away while he hung out with some girls.
but yeah, I regret getting my "revenge" , because it made things worse, if anything.
Since then, I have not cheated and kept my promise. He hasnt.
So I dont think I am being a hypocrite seeing as to how I have kept the promise of starting over and have been faithful.
I would be a hypocrite if I wanted to cheat but didnt want to be cheated on... dont you think ?
Anyways i do appreciate your input though,thanks . = )
take care 3
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 October 2009):
I'm going to be honest and blunt with you here. This is a shocking relationship. You shouldn't be together at all. This guy doenst' love you, never has and never will. You're just a toy to him. He lies, cheats and hurts you. He won't ever change, I can promise you that. Don't marry him, don't be with him. He doesn't want you. Get out now and spend time on your child. He will hurt you and hurt you and hurt you adn that's it. He doesnt' love you at all, no matter what he says. He's a liar and a cheat and that's it. Dump him.
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