A
male
age
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*obby11
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 3 months and this is by far the best relationship I have ever had (and that includes two failed marriages). We are very much in love. The problem is she has gone away for a skiing holiday with her girlfriends for a few days and I can't believe how upset I feel. I keep having thoughts like "she doesn't care about me - she's quite happy to go off and have a great time without me", and "she would rather be with her friends than me". She tells me she loves me, but I would never want to go away without her for a few days - maybe she's not into me as much as I thought? She seems very happy to be away and in fact texts me to tell me what a great time she is having. Is she insensitive? Am I far too sensitive and have some silly beliefs about relationships floating around inside me? What is going on in my head and how can I resolve this? I don't want to stuff this relationship up but I feel anger and bitterness at her lack of concern for my feelings. Is it me? Thanks for any help.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 Bobby,
Don't be short with her. She's thinking about you while she's away and she probably does miss you.
When she gets back, just look at her and smile and be very good to her that's all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): well I guess it depends on how you tell her... I mean you don't want it to come accross in a way that makes her feel bad, cause then you'll both feel bad. So i think its best to keep it simple, like I miss you, and I wish you were here.
I would stay clear of using things like.. I would never have left you. Remember she is there thinking of you while having fun, and if you say it the wrong way you will upset and ruin her time and she will resent that of you.
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male
reader, Bobby11 +, writes (10 September 2009):
Bobby11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for all the responses. I am trying hard to deal with this and I accept what everyone is saying. My biggest concern is that I am 'short' with her when she returns or that in some way she knows I am a bit upset. I'll admit it's a struggle - should I be telling her how I feel? Thanks again.
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (9 September 2009):
 Good for you that you came here before acting on your feelings! You get more kudos for caring enough about this woman to question whether your reactions were right.
My boyfriend and I regularly take breaks from each other. We are both independent and secure people with full lives outside of our relationship.
We also have a very full, loving and rewarding relationship and miss each other when separated.
While you are missing her, try to overcome the anger and bitterness by reminding yourself of how much she'll want to see you when she's home. She is missing you a lot (as is evidenced by her texting)! Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder!
She is not being insensitive to your feelings. She is including you in her fun.
Always behave as though you are happy she went and had fun. She may resent you if you "rain on her parade".
You may also wish to suggest that the two of you go on a trip together next.
In the meantime, I think this is a sign that you need to fill your life with things that do not revolve around her. Trust me... it is FUN and it will give you two more things to talk about when you are together!
:-)
Good Luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): I am one of that has to have time with my girlfriends, no matter what the relationship. It has nothing to do with how much I love my man, but rather everything to do with how much I love my girlfriends. The girls I went through puberty and childbirth and first time sex with...
I personally think every woman (and man) should have time to spend with the same sex, to talk about silly things...like makeup and fashion and periods and aging (for men it would be other stuff LOL)...without worrying or looking over their shoulder to see if their significant other just heard that and thinking their going to die of embarrassment.
The good news is this, after she has been away from you and had a good time, she will be in a great mood and want nothing more than to be with you. That is one of the best parts of going somewhere with the girls....getting home to my man :) The time away makes me miss him. Also, the fact that she texts you every day is a good indication that she is very much into you and thinking of you ... she probably has moments that she thinks would be even better if you were there, if she is like me.
I think you need to be comfortable with giving her this time, because if you try to take it away from her, she will be unhappy and may even resent you for it...if she is like me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): sweetie, she is able to go away with her friends because of the love you share. I understand where your coming from but look at it from the other side of the spectrum.
You guys are in crazy love.
you support each other
trust each other
it because of the love you have for her that she is comfortable enough to be her. That should be commended. Also do you really fancy sitting there watching Steel Magnolias, or the traveling pants.. or SEx in the city with a bunch of women? girl get togethers are nothing like guy get togethers. So im pretty sure there all giggly and talking about their men etc....
people need time apart to be themselves.
Remember that is why you love her to begin with. (because she is who she is and you are who you are)...
now, stop sitting in the house and over thinking. go do something that you like to do with your friends. Relax and start planning the night of her return and have something romantic, hot, and fun planned.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (9 September 2009):
 "She tells me she loves me, but I would never want to go away without her for a few days - maybe she's not into me as much as I thought?"
In the above statement you made, is where the answer is.
You have an expectation that she should do, what you would do. And when she does not do something that you would expect that she would want to do, it hurts you...because she "should" know better, right?
There are some questions that I beleive you need to answer for yourself on this matter, to know if you are being too sensitive or not.
1-Are the two of you monogamous? Have you both made some outward declaration of that sort to indicate to others that you have committed to each other? If so, it is understandable that you would see her going on this trip as a slight against your relationship.
2-How serious are the two of you? For some people, 3 months is just "still dating", while others are prepared to make more serious commitments (serial monogamy). Only you can answer this part for yourself.
3-Is it that you suffer from a fear of abandonment from her specifically, or are you dealing with a fear of being alone regardless of who you are dating? This could be a factor given two failed marriages.
It does sound to me, that you are more into her, than she is into you. I have to ask you if she has earned that kind of attention from you, or are you this intense with all your relationships at the 3 month mark.
One of the emotional needs of men is "Put our relationship First". By going on this trip with her friends, it is understandable that you would feel violated. However, what is not clear to me is if your relationship with her, has reached the point where an expectation of her putting you ahead of a trip with her friends, has yet been reached or earned. If it has not, then yes, you might be over sensitive. If it has, it makes sense that you feel violated.
Was there no chance for you to go with her?
Also, was this a trip that she planned with her friends long before she even knew you?
Once those questions are answered, you will know if you are being too sensitive, or if she truly has disrespected you.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (9 September 2009):
 You should be grateful you've found that sort of woman, the kind that doesn't dump her girlfriends the moment a man turns up on the scene. I see you're from Oz, and it seems to be part of our culture that when a female gets a boyfriend she immediately ditches all her single friends and can no longer particpate in things like an all-girls holiday or even a girls night out in many cases. Those women are pea-brains, so like I said, you should be grateful you've got one who has integrity and knows the value of friendships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): She's gone on holiday to enjoy herself not to get away from you, or rub it in that your not with her. I guess women want a strong person, someone who can be independant, stand on his own two feet, keep everything ticking over when she's not around, because it suggests that she can count on you. I also agree with what was said previously. In relationships it's easy to forget who we are as individuals because we feel like we've become merged with each other, so sometimes it's necessery to have time away from the other half in order to get back in touch with ourselves. Don't sweat it!
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 I'm MADLY in love with my boyfriend and love nothing more than being with him. I could spend 24/7 with him and be happy. I would almost always choose to spend time with him over my friends. Do I? No, I do not. I take girls' nights where boyfriends are NOT invited. I don't even text him while out unless there's something specific that I need to say. Even though I occasionally choose them over him, I'd honestly prefer to be with him and think about him the whole time I'm gone. Would I ever tell him that? Nope. It's important that I keep my girlfriends around and that I get some girl time in. I need it in order to remain myself. And even though it hurts for the time you're apart, I promise that saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is absolutely true. I also promise you this, if you try to prevent her from having a good time with her friends, she will stop having fun with you and find someone else. If she's texting you while out with friends, it means she's not just thinking about you, she's thinking about you a LOT. So relax and be happy the woman you love is enjoying herself and that having fun reminds her of you.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 September 2009):
Don't let your insecurities and fears get ahold of you. That's your ego screaming at you. That immature, self-absorbed screaming lunatic inside your head that can't shut up all day.
Try calming down. Ignore that background noise.
Here's what she's doing. She's having a fun time with her friends, and she's texting you all the time to tell you that she's thinking about you all the while.
Relax. If she were cheating on you, then it'd be a different story. But it looks to me like she's doing what she said she was doing.
Let's assume you just judged her guilty. Now what? You don't trust her, right? How's she going to love a man who doesn't trust her?
Relax, let her have a good time, stop feeling insecure and show her that you're not that needy. The more secure you are in your manhood, the more attracted to you she'll be when she gets back.
If anything, if you do this job right, she'll be extra special to you when she gets back for being good to her and letting her have a social life.
You might even hint at it, very quietly, suggesting that when you respond to her next text message.
Something like, "I'm so glad you're having fun. When you get back, I'd like to make it special for us."
She'll get the hint.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 September 2009):
No, she's not being insensitive. She went on a vacation with her friends, it's not a big deal--she went to have fun and that's what she's doing. She's not doing it because she's happy to be away from you, sometimes people need to do things with just their friends to still remain "themselves." You can't give up the things that you enjoy doing just because you're in a relationship. Trust me, if she loves you she wouldn't rather be with her friends than you. Without a doubt she's thinking about you and probably some of the time wishes you were there to enjoy it too. If you become upset because she went to have fun with her girls, then she'll probably see that as unattractive, so don't let it bother you. She'll be excited to see you when she gets home.
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