A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I recently (about six months ago) got with a new boyfriend who has a three year old child. I just want a bit of advise:He moved/ separated from his ex (mum of the child) about ten months ago and moved into his own place.1. He still has pictures of them all together as a family in two rooms- should I say anything? As much as I anticipate the response that they're for his daughter, realistically, what purpose are they going to serve for a three year old? other then to confuse her? 2. He is incredibly flexible with when he has his child- to the point where it can even impinge on our own plans. I seriously sense that his ex is trying to see how much control she can hold over him even though she knows that he is in a new relationship and has been for about six months. She will often phone (on a whim) claiming that they arranged for their child to be picked up, asking where he is. Also, they both live an equal distance to the child's nursery but when she was poorly, she asked him if he could pick up their child from nursery and drop her off at hers because she was feeling unwell.The other day (and this is the only time that this has happened) she phoned him asking if he would mind picking up her prescription. I went mad saying that i can understand being flexible for the sake of their child but not doing each other's errands. He was incredibly, genuinely sorry and said that he just doesn't want to fall out with her. Is there anything I should say or do?3. He is incredibly careless with money and, at the moment (despite living together) we are not both financially entwined. He has not told me the extent of his debt but I know that he gets phone calls that he won't answer and has even once had a visit to his house (whilst he was at work). I am reasonable well-off and question that I should be involved with somebody who is seemingly so reckless? I also know that he probably wouldn't mention his debt to me as he won't want to seem like a gold digger.Often, near the end of the month, he will run out of money and either ask his dad for cash or inadvertently rely on me to bring home food . I don't particularly mind this as i don't pay rent (as I still currently pay for my own mortgage). It does anger me, however, especially when I end up paying for his child's food- he doesn't ask me directly but obviously he needs to feed his child and will grab some of the food that i've bought to feed her (not that I would expect her to go hungry- I'm not an absolute monster!)4. His daughter used to love me when I first moved in- we'd spend hours playing. However, recently she told me that she doesn't like me (she's only a child, i know) but it really hurts. Her dad did tell her off for being nasty. Prior to this, when her mum (boyf's ex) found out that I moved in with him, she demanded to meet me and spend time with me- so that she knew who it was who was spending time with her child. I was busy visiting my mum in hospital on that day and she threatened to stop access for dad until she had met me. Because of the aggressive nature of the demand and her irrational behaviour, I refused to meet her. I would have happily said 'hi' in passing but her threats were about control and I told myself that i was not going to get involved in their relationship. After all, if her dad thinks that I'm a suitable person to be around his child then what else should matter? Anyway, I never know how far to get involved with the child. I told myself that I would remain as distant as I could from the child after her mum's threats. So now, i barely talk to the child even when in the same room. I'm worried as well that mum is telling the child to dislike me. Another issue is the fact that the child just whinges and cries all the time. The child wakes up at 3am, 4am, 5am and 6am when i have work. I know that this is an impossible situation to sort out but surely, by the age of three, the child should be sleeping through?So, in conclusion, I don't know that i am ready for all of this and would like an outsider's opinion. Am I being taken for a mug? Should I be less intrusive? Am I too young to play the 'stepmother' figure? Can my feelings for this man actually get past all of these issues? Should I demand more from life? After all, I have no child of my own and should I not experience that process with somebody who has not done it before? If we were to have a baby, would he be as excited/ love our baby as much as his first? I don't know- hope you can help!
View related questions:
at work, debt, his ex, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 I had my first child at 24 and my second at 26 so by all means at age 26-29 you are perfectly old enough to be “playing the mother and/or stepmother” to a three year old child.
Your relationship with your bf is fairly new at 6 months out… this is a good thing because my bottom line advice is to move back to your own home ALONE ASAP. Even if you want to continue to date this man, you need to move out of his home. You are serving as a bank at the end of the month and a baby sitter to some extent when he has his child.
Now I’ll address all your points:
1. Realistically a three year old can see mommy and daddy and the pictures comfort her. Again MOVE OUT so you can have a say as to what is displayed in your own home
2. Flexibility with a young child is critical but there should be some set visitation already. IF there is and he ignores it in favor of doing what the mom wants, he knows his ex well enough to know what he can and cannot push her own. Personally if one party is taking advantage unless the other party wants to stop it an outsider (you) can’t do much. When my ex and I separated my boys were 3 and 5 and we had written set visitation that we stuck to but we also would be flexible with each other as needed. If he is supposed to see her Tuesdays and Thursdays for dinner and every other weekend then he should try to stick to that… and be flexible only for illness, and/or work emergencies. If when my kids were that little I was sick I would call on their dad or even their stepmom for help. If she was too sick to safely drive to pick up their child and she lives alone and he’s also responsible for her then her request was valid. This is a case of you being picky and petty. My ex-husband’s wife (my children’s stepmother) once drove ME to the emergency room because there was NO ONE ELSE to take me and I needed to go but was not going to call an ambulance.
Adults work together to create a stable environment for the CHILDREN. THEIR NEEDS COME FIRST. IF you cannot accept that the child must come first for at least 15 more years then you are correct YOU are not mature enough or ready to be a stepmom.
3. The crux of this situation he is a POOR money manager. I can tell you that this will NOT change. You will, if you stay with him have to find a way to control ALL THE MONEY and learn to say NO TO HIM about things he wants to do but can’t afford. IF he runs out of money before the end of the month he either is not managing well, or is not making enough. He either needs to learn to budget properly and stick to it or get a second job. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I would be very very careful about becoming responsible for his lack of planning and maturity. I would again MOVE OUT and not provide food or money for him as a self-preservation initiative. I will tell you my husband took me on with tons of debt and he paid it all off. I in turn have given him full budgetary control and decisions on our income both mine and his. He makes less than I do but since he is the better money manager I am happy to defer to his decisions as I am debt free now. But we still battle about money. Money and children are the two biggest reasons second marriages fail…. He’s got both these strikes against him.
4. Well it could be that her mother said something but also you have said you have stopped being near her for fear of her mother. Wow. Don’t give her so much power. I have to say I would want to know the woman living with my child. While I do not have any say in who my ex dates, if I find that the woman is not a good person to be near my child (not saying that you are or are not) I would be very difficult to deal with. I’m not sure her request/demand was aggressive. If my ex said to me “I’m dating this woman for 6 months and I’ve moved her into my home but she’s not available for you to meet her this week, I’d pretty much say “well until I’ve met her I don’t want the baby with you at your home” I don’t see her demand if it was that as irrational. YOU Know your not a bad person. HE Says your not but she’s his ex for a reason and maybe she does not trust his judgement. I don’t see her as the bad guy in this case. And then you over reacted and refused to meet her. Nice. I’d be withholding my child too. IN fact, my divorce degree clearly stated no living together with anyone while the children were young. For either of us. You are over reacting here. And since you keep your distance now the child is not stupid and picks up on it and returns the same to you. DISTANCE.
As for sleeping through the night... her parents are not together she's going back and forth between homes, daddy has a new lady in his bed and she is merely three years old. I would not expect her to be sleeping through the night and self soothing at this point. My oldest woke us every night till he was 10.
In conclusion, I think you are right you are not ready for a child and certainly not a man child who can’t manage his money. So move back home and try just dating him… but watch his money issues… be careful.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Under any circumstances a childless woman who becomes involved with a single father of a minor child needs to realize that the kid ALWAYS comes first.Under any circumstances a childless woman who becomes involved with a single father of a minor child needs to realize that he is part of a package deal and baby mama is ALWAYS included in the package.Under any circumstances it is a very poor decision for the father of a three-year-old to introduce a total stranger into a child's life so soon after the child's home has been broken up, let alone start shacking up with said stranger within six months of meeting.Under any circumstances no reasonable single parent should allow his/her child to sleep under the same roof as an unrelated total stranger to who s/he has not been introduced.Given the drama and dysfunction inherent in your situation I can only agree with WiseOwlE and advise that you get out now, if not for your sake then in the best interests of an innocent three-year-old girl who seems doomed to silently endure a hellish childhood at the hands of her clueless, self-absorbed, spiteful breeders. Though not your fault, your continued presence in her life will only cause her additional misery and anguish.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): The man is using you to supplement his income. He will not stand up to his baby's mama; because he wants to get along? Not even remotely the case.No, because she runs the show, and he'd better not step on her toes. She threatens you, and he doesn't intervene. You're just a meal-ticket.She calls at inopportune times, and the child is having night terrors. She suddenly doesn't like you? She's too young to be held responsible for what she says or does.However; if she doesn't like you all of sudden; it's because she's being coached by the mother. You settled yourself into a dysfunctional situation, and the only good way is OUT!Read your post and review how many dysfunctional actions you've listed about the father and mother; but the child is too young to be accountable for anything. She only weighs in as another stress-factor. This will blow up in your face. It will start to effect your moods, productivity at work, and eventually your health and well-being.No relationship is worth as much drama as you're experiencing. You are an intelligent and well-educated woman. You can do so much better for yourself.Cut your losses and head for the nearest exit.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (25 November 2013):
 Sorry, but your situation sounds like an absolute nightmare!
Your bf may not have outright AKSED you for money, true, and if he doesn't have the wherewithal to buy food for his daughter, it's understandable, perhaps, that he asks you to buy food for her - after all, a little child shouldn't have to suffer because of her parents' irresponsible behavior!
And, I'm sure she is confused and upset what with the things her mother has apparently said about you. SHE doesn't need that - and you don't either.
Your boyfriend may not INTEND to use you, BUT the thing is, since you are living with him - and the longer you continue to do so - certain things tend to get taken for granted - i.e. that he will expect, as a matter of course, that you'll help him out financially - even if he does not now have that expectation.
As Honeypie pointed out, it's only been six months since you got involved with this man. You need to consider seriously what is in your best interests, and particularly the little girl's.........
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 November 2013):
 Well there are a lot of issues here,
1. He is financially reckless. THAT is not a good thing if you two start to talk about future such as marriage or buying a house together. KEEP having separate finances, pay your 1/2 of the expenses (if that is what you two decided on).
2. Meeting the mom. Well I don't blame her. If my LITTLE one was around someone new and a potential stepmom I would want to meet her and get to know her a little. Have a chat and a cup of tea/coffee) I don't think that is a ridiculous request, however... her going ape because you were busy visiting your mom in the hospital is a little over the top. So she has now decided that she doesn't like you and she plays the child against you. Now you know what kind of woman she is. She plays "dirty" and if you continue this relationship SHE will always be part of your BF's life...
3. YOU end up footing the bill at the end of the month. BAD mojo. It becomes habit. Thought I think YOU are crazy for being upset that he FEEDS the child some of that food. Seriously? You should be upset that you LIVE with a guy who runs out of money EVERY month and HAVE you foot the bill for food.
4. You are not too young to be a step mom, but I don't think you have a clue what it entails. (who does really?) The fact that you refuse to met her (even with your mom in the hospital I think having a cup of tea/coffee wouldn't have killed you.
5. A child at 3 should (but there are no rules SET IN STONE) sleep through the night. I know mine did from 8pm til 5-8 am. (I have 3 kids btw). You not sleeping is not right and maybe there is too much drama going on which is why the child doesn't sleep. She might only be 3, but trust me kids pick up more then we want them to.
6. I honestly think you would be WAY better off dating a guy who isn't a single dad/father. It is a LOT to deal with and your BF is a wuss for not being able to tell the mom off or tell her no. Doesn't he know how you feel? About the mom/child? Other then tell the kid she is being nasty.. THAT attitude comes from somewhere and apparently he seems OK with you being alienated?
7. If you two did have a child (which I hope you don't plan on for a LONG TIME) I can't see why he would love that child any less.
I'd rather be single then deal with all that drama. I married a man with an ex wife and a couple of kids. Now I love my husband I love the kids his and ours, but IF I could do it all over again, I think I would rather NOT have dated/married a man with child(ren). It was a LOT of drama the first 10 year.. 10 years.
It's ONLY been 6 months, so it's time to decide go or stay.
...............................
|
