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writes: Hello people! Its been so long since the last time I've submitted a how to guide from here. I really miss writing here so much.I've been busy lately. Mostly from work loads, Some writing gigs and too many personal roller coaster things I am experiencing right now.I got inspired writing about why Its good to remain friends with your ex because of my personal experiences, people around me, and people from here.Most of us are really skeptical over the idea of it. Its like a forbidden thing. Its like an allergy. When I read someone asking help whether its good to message an ex, most of the comments are NO. No, No no.. Don't write her/him. Stop talking to him it will just hurt you. Oh goodness. By doing so, it will just make you more crazy thinking what might have been. You will keep asking yourself over and over what could have been done. Its like an itchy thing that you have to scratch otherwise it will make you insane.So to keep your insanity, I have some pointers here to share WHY ITS GOOD TO REMAIN FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX.1. It shows you are mature enough to accept reality, your relationship is over. I have something to share. After I broke up with my 2 serious ex bf's in the past. I got so frustrated. I have been giving men a hard time to date me. Until I finally met someone that caught my attention, lets just call him Harry. Harry passed the test which most men failed. So he became my constant date. He calls me his gf. But I'm not quite sure, If I am really into him. It takes 6 months before I can say I'm In Love. Harry invests time with me, We were together almost everyday. So to me, It makes me think that his different, his not a jerk, he loves being with me. And so am I. He also does what he says he will. But there's just one thing I hate about harry, every time that he has to go out of the country, He would always say, I wont be able to talk to you, as much as we do, because of time zone etc. I'm not an Idiot. Hello, I know what's going on. I am writing about relationships online. All the signs that I wrote on my column is totally manifesting his action. The first time he did it I forgave him. I guess, I am just too proud to say to myself that I was in Love with him. But I was. How can't I? his sweet, his lovely, his so mature, he knows how to make me feel good. He brings out the best in me, his like an energy pill for me, his generous, never been rude to me. Always a gentleman. A perfect asshole. Then he went out of the country again, he had the same excuse. Like, Oh my goodness, this is bad.So when he came back, I gave him a cold shoulder. He keeps saying the words I wanna hear from him, but 3 days after I can't do it anymore. I broke up with him. I lied to him, I told him, I no longer have feelings for him. That we should be better off as friends. He asked me why? I told him, You knew it. You don't have to ask. The plastic acted like an innocent angel. I told myself, its not going to work. Never again. After that, i expected not to hear from him again. But Harry was mature enough. He managed to say hello how are you from time to time.So, that's my point number one its shows maturity. Its very important.2. Point number 2 It shows your not bitter about it. When Harry initiated messaging me, I must admit, It excites me, Oh maybe he still have feelings for me. But no. Harry just shows me that his not bitter about the break up. He still miss me as his friend. We always had a good time when we were just friends. I guess that made him fall for me. and vice versa.3. Point number 3. Its not good to hold a grudge over someone you used to love. He/She became a part of your life, a short message from someone you used to love will not make you less as a person. It will actually make you better as a person. It shows kindness. Kindness is hard to give to some one you hate. But sometimes Its good to love your enemies.4. Point number 4. Wonder No More. Lets face it, we do google our ex from time to time. check their facebook account. Wondering what's new with them. So if you keep in touch, you can ask them directly. Hey what's up?5. Point number 5. Give him updates about your new life. There's nothing more satisfying than letting someone who did wrong to you that your doing better without them. If they ask how are you doing? You can say, Oh I'm doing great, Life has never been better. decode what you mean: I'm so relieve that your out of my life and I am so much better now.6. Point number 6. It shows your classy. Never Crazy but a woman with class. Not everyone can handle it. Its really hard to keep in touch or remain friends with an ex who broke your heart. But a woman who can handle it shows class. Your not giving him the satisfaction of getting crazy over him. He knows he can't control you and that makes him think his the loser and that makes you the winner.7. Point number 7. A graceful exit is a must at all times. Save your tears and all the bad words you may have for him. It wouldn't change a thing anyway. Acting crazy, unfriend him, will not make him come back to you. Or make him change his mind. It will only give him more reason to believe that he was right dumping you. It will just definitely make you less as a person. Don't get me wrong, I also get hurt. I also cry myself. But I do it in silence, on my own. With my friends. I can be crazy for a week getting over it but after that i help myself. I love myself. So I have to take care of it. Besides this world is so small, you never know, you might do business with someone you hate. Its better to be professional at all times. Protect your own interest too.So a graceful exit is a must.Hope someone learned from this...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there!
I'm happy to know you find my articles,informative and uplifting. And so as yours. Full of lessons to learn from.
However I must admit I have so many errors. Its because while writing this article, my eyes was so tired. I think I need eye laser surgery.
Anyways,your response to my article is so entertaining, funny and very truthful too. Thank you for your respect, understanding, encouragement and most of all for having an open mind regarding this article.
To be honest with you, your very good in arguing your case or your points at all times. Ive seen the advises you've given to some people from here, and when one disagree with your opinion, I always wait your replies. You can be a good lawyer, I must say. Lol. Were so opposite, Im not good arguing my case, So maybe I should call you when I need someone to argue for me ha ha ha.
On the other hand,
I know that this article will probably raised some eyebrows, especially from people who had a bad experienced from their ex's.
But this how to will only work for people who are stable psychologically and spiritually. This is not good for people who are suffering from depression.
It takes a lot of practice for me to master what I am able to master when it comes to relationships. Guess what, In my almost 6 months relationship with Harry, I never told him directly I love him.
When he says I love you, I always just say thank you that's very sweet of you. I also have feelings for you. Funny how I have my own words of saying things to him. You were right,my relationship with him was almost perfect that's why we parted as friends.
I am also not hoping to meet his new gf, neither be close friends with him ever again. But I love the idea to keep in touch with him, like sending emails to greet each other during bday's, xmas, new year or whenever one feels to just say hi.
I am also not hoping for him to reply for every message like before because its different now. Same thing goes for him.But I will always wish him well.
His the only ex i have kept as a friend, I also used to think that its impossible, but with him i discovered its possible. Or maybe I am more mature and secure about myself than I was before.
I have move on and I am very much better than I was before.
Thanks again, WiseOwlE. Its so good to hear from you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Hi, Highmaintaintance! I enjoyed reading your article. It was uplifting and informative, as always.I think a lot of the wrong people will try to take things out of context; and think remaining friends suits one and all. It could be an emotional setback for some people.I think it may be good for people, who had a mutual and amiable breakup to maintain friendship. The calmer the breakup, the more likelihood friendship will remain anyway.Your relationship with Harry is a perfect example. I wouldn't want to lose someone like that either. Not in the case of the needy, or victims of abuse. I guess it all depends on your motives. If good comes of it, you have nothing to sacrifice or lose.You shouldn't let unresolved emotional issues and guilt compel you to reach out to seek friendship with people who may not share your generosity, and the kind intentions you have. They may use it as an opportunity to hurt you more. They may read the gesture as pathetic, and proof you can't get over them.I do not believe the author is suggesting this for those of you in such situations. I've read her articles and advice, and we share many opinions. She suggests this in healthy and mentally stable situations. I totally agree.People with children should maintain civility to teach their children that they should (and can) maintain self-control, honor family ties, and practice forgiveness.All divorces and separations do not have to end in hatred.The common-interest of the welfare and support of your children, rises above the detachment and differences of their parents. It's all for their sake. Their security and happiness. These friendships are forged for and by the children. For people who want to co-parent; and share in the guidance, support, and upbringing of their offspring.They have not eliminated that element of love and mutual respect. They accept the way the relationship has changed.If your former is jealous, suspicious, temperamental; or vindictive. Trying to form a friendship is risky. They have mental disorders or emotional impairments that make even friendship hell. Use your best judgement. Keep the the devil out of your life, no matter how sentimental or forgiving you may feel for that personal.They could smile in your face and put a knife in your back. Friendships are based on trust and honor. Exes have lost your trust, or you may have lost theirs. Therefore; they may not treasure your continued presence, or existence, in their lives. They merely tolerate you.It isn't always beneficial for those memories to be hanging overhead,and it could open old wounds. They may hide their grudges, with future plots up their sleeves. Watch out! If you know you did something spiteful, and they never got even; be very careful. They may use this as an opportunity to do just that. Forgiveness may be fake. Just to catch you with your guard down.Some people maintain friendships with their exes, only to stay close due to the false-hope of reconciliation. Lingering love. They may want sex, or financial support. They don't want to give up certain privileges, or friends they used to share. Make sure that isn't what your true intentions are. They will figure it out. Exes will use such things as leverage to manipulate you. Some get upset when their exes find new relationships. So their communications spike. The calls or messages become more intense, and more intrusive. They become filled with anxiety about any new influences affecting their contact; and even attempt to ambush relationships they fear to be a threat. It could go either way. You could be the perpetrator, or the victim.A very nice person can become pretty toxic, when being possessive over someone they haven't quite gotten over. We sometimes aren't as forgiving as we initially think we are; until we are challenged by a new threat. Someone nicer, better-looking, or more successful. Friendship gets strained. You, or your ex, is doing better. Somebody is going to get envious.The new bf or gf may be more insecure than you once were. They may poison your ex's mind; or remind them of how you once were a pain in the ass. They may use leverage, and threaten to leave; if your friendship continues. Do you step back, or stand your ground? What would a friend do? You'll resent that and want to retaliate. Or, wrongfully find joy in it. You're the third wheel. You really have no say. It's your ex's call, and the new gf or bf is now in first position. They're the new "Number One." Their feelings count above yours. Butt out, if you can't handle it. If you're a problem, you're not a friend. It's not up to you to decide if the new gf or bf is just jealous. Why should they have to be? Get your own bf or gf, and a life. They're right to distrust you, if you express a negative opinion of them. Who's really jealous?Just be prepared to accept your ex's choice between you.Getting rejected for someone else will not feel better the second time around. Your offer to maintain friendship is more important to you, than to anyone else. They have no obligation to accept it. They don't have to value your past relationship above what they have now.You are an "eX" too! Be a friend, and don't forget that.You pursue friendship at your own risk. Don't fault them, if your pain comes back. If you feel left-out, neglected,or ignored. Remember, that's why you broke up! You invite those feelings back; if you want to remain friends. Be ready.You'll take disagreements, being ignored, or criticism more personally than you would from a platonic friend. There is an extra layer of emotion. Old feelings resurface.You, or your ex, may have also changed for the worse. So, shortening the distance between you; and being emotionally accessible may be begging for trouble. The mess you got out of, may come back to haunt you.There are times when friends who are exes become competitive with the new partners. Feeling the quality of the newly-formed relationship is more fulfilling or cohesive than theirs used to be. It hurts to know that could be true. Be able to handle it with grace. The new one, may be a better version of a girlfriend or boyfriend, in comparison. They may enjoy more attention, receive more smiles, be better looking, and generate more joy than you saw in your ex. They may go to your old places, or even better places than you did. If you're only a friend, this shouldn't matter. They are different people.You may not feel like being very nice to these people. You might come off cold or indifferent. Don't offer to be friends, unless you accept them as a couple; and you are inclusive when you extend invitations.Watch your back.Only one of these people is your ex. The other could be an enemy.They know your history; because you have been discussed. You may not be the hero or heroine in your ex's version of the story. Somebody has to be the villain. They plead innocence to avoid self-incrimination; you get the blame.If the negative is true about you; their new gf or bf won't see the value of your friendship. Otherwise; you're being a wedge, a splinter, or a thorn; and have only your selfish interests at heart. If you're out to make trouble, you deserve what you get in return.Your presence may cause friction between your ex and his/her new mate. If that doesn't matter to you, you're not a friend. You have ulterior motives, and don't really know what being a friend truly means.How is that beneficial to anyone? I think it's self-serving, and potentially disruptive. It will most certainly backfire.If you have long moved past your grief. There is no history of strife and abuse. Your life is stable, content, and you have a positive outlook. Hopefully; you have your own new partner. You can look at your ex as just a past chapter in your life. You share history and bring good tidings. You can enjoy a different kind of relationship. Bury the hatchet. Sweet dreams are made of such.If you are able to appreciate their achievements, celebrate their good fortune, and respect their new partners; you are a good candidate as a life-long and valuable friend.Keep in mind. Your ex has to be "willing" to be friends. Make sure they will not exploit your feelings, or manipulate you in any way. They have a lot of power. They know your weaknesses and strengths.They have to be willing to overlook past disagreements, forgive your past transgressions, and the old pain you caused. You have to be forgiving of their past sins. There are two-sides to every story. You may block-out the harm you caused, in denial. Maybe you're a tool, and just think nothing was ever your fault. Chances are, you wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell anyway. Offering to be a friend may get you the scolding of a lifetime. Your ex also has every right to limit how much you may contact them. You may feel privileged by your past history. Deserving of easy access and a VIP spot in their lives. You may not be the reason you broke up. It was all their fault.You better set rules. Your new squeeze may not like your ex. For no apparent reason. They may have better instincts than you. You've already tainted the jury; if you ever spoke ill of your ex. They may not approve of your friendship. You new love may be a huge improvement over anyone you've ever had in your life. You're on cloud nine.Don't jeopardize what you have, for what you had! Weigh things carefully. Friends who are "exes," are not the same as "ex-friends." There was a frequent exchange of sex and intimacy. So your new squeeze is aware of that. Respect their feelings. Especially if you're still physically attracted to your exes. Sexual-tension lights up like a neon sign.Your recycled friendship with an ex is always under a microscope.Remember, the old relationship is dead and over. If you are initiating the friendship; you have to accept it on their terms. If you could compromise, you wouldn't be exes. If they are extending friendship to you, depending on why you broke up; carefully weigh the benefits vs. the negative consequences. It might be a Trojan Horse.Otherwise; they might have been happy, if they never heard from you again. They may reject you harshly over a very trivial issue, and in a very cruel way. Be prepared for that. Wanting to be friends sends a message. That you still care about how they feel about you. There is no getting around that. It's a fact. It may also mean they want to find a way to end your happy new relationship. Remember that too.Narcissistic types will feed on your emotion and goodwill. They will smash your feelings, and celebrate your pain.They may not appreciate or want to toast your good-fortune and achievements. They may harbor resentment and envy. If they were scorned in the past, they may try to sabotage your good life; if they see it is progressing better than theirs. Caveat! Latin: "Let him beware!"I am not writing this to debunk anything that that the author says in her article. What she says is absolutely true. My concerns are for the broken people, the misguided, and abusers, to whom such a good-natured gesture may not bring them the results they hope for. Nor deserve. Grief-stricken people are still in their healing stages, and should not attempt to make friends; until they complete the emotional process of getting over their ex in the first place.
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