A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts. I'd like some opinions on a disagreement I had with my boyfriend the other day.He lives next door to an elderly man and they both hate each other. This has been going on for years, and if I'm perfectly honest they are both as bad as each other (trying to make noise to annoy each other, calling the council to complain etc, on both sides). I've suggested that my boyfriend either learns to rise above it or move but he seems to prefer moaning about it every day so I've given up.Anyway, the other day, I went round to my boyfriends and was getting the usual rant about what had happened between them that day, when he told me the neighbour had been on his garage roof and my boyfriend really wanted to take his ladder away and leave him stuck on the roof. I told him not to be mean and that doing something like that to an old (in his 70s) man could give him a heart attack. My boyfriends response - 'maybe that's what he needs'. When I expressed my horror at what he had just said, he shrugged his shoulders and said it's how he feels.Now I know that things are heated between them and I don't live there so maybe all of this wouldn't seem as petty to me if I did, but I can guarantee that no matter how much I disliked someone I'd never wish ill health or possible death on them. Especially not when it's about how early in the morning the man switches his vacuum on and other such things.Am I being stupid that this really upset me and made me question his character quite a lot? We've been together for 4.5 years and he has always had trouble empathising with others (he struggles to see any other pov than his own) but this is extreme even for him.What do you think?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 I think it's strange you are more worried about a stupid utterance said in a moment of frustration like it may happen to everybody , than about all the behaviour behind it.
I mean, words are just words . Maybe I see it this way because were I grew up language is very colorfoul and direct , being foul mouthed is sort of a virtue , and inventing elaborated, complex invectives a form of pop art. You are free to disbelieve me, but, in my area and dialect , an AFFECTIONATE way to greet a friend that you haven't seen in a while, accompanied by hugs and pats on the back ,is a feisty " C'at gnesa un cancher ! " = translation : may you get cancer.
But..actions,instead , is another story. Was your bf just posturing or had he really considered, or planned, to take the ladder away ? Doesn't he know it would be a crime and he would get charged ?... Does he REALLY see as a nifty prank endangering someone's life ?
Ok, maybe that was posturing too, just words too, he was never going to do it .
But, what about the long feud with the elderly neighbour ? Do you find normal that a young man should carry on like that for years ? Tryng to make noise on purpose to annoy him, calling the council just to needle him ( it does not matter if the old neighbour does it too ! Everybody is responsible for his OWN actions ). In all these years, has he not come up with a way to a ) make peace with the neighbour, sign a truce and show mutual respect b ) move out c ) put up and shut up d ) let it slide off his back ,focus his mind on higher things and e stop even noticing? ... No ? he just likes to fuel conflicts and create aggravation, and with an old man as for that ??
So, I don't know about the lack of empathy or potential aggressive , murderous tendencies, maybe he has them or, again, may be he just has a big mouth, that's all.
But, the way he is dealing with his elderly neighbour- and what it implies in terms of him dealing with problems and obstacles in his life- , THAT would surprise me and displease me as ( sorry ) ignorant, pigheaded and immature.
As usual, it's the actions you have to worry about... not so much the words...
A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 What your boyfriend said was probably said in the heat of the moment and I doubt he really meant it (let's hope he didn't anyway). We all say things we don't necessarily mean when someone riles us. You know what I think? I think your boyfriend and the elderly man probably enjoy the friction. The elderly man probably has nothing better to do than annoy your boyfriend and may do it because your boyfriend rises so well to it. They sound similar in a lot of ways. I bet if someone moved into the neighbourhood and broke the peace, these two would become grudging allies in an effort to evict them.
That said, I'd keep an eye on things anyway and if you feel your boyfriend really does intend to do this man any violence take steps to abort it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): I think you've may have discovered a major personality-flaw in your boyfriend's character.
He has a mean temper and may lack empathy. It has been an ongoing feud between he and the elderly gentlemen; but your boyfriend has the benefit of youth and strength.
A fragile old man can be a nuisance; but that is the extent of it in this case. Your boyfriend wishes him physical harm; which means at some point he may become violent toward this man. He is losing patience, and getting vengeful.
If he had taken away the ladder, that would have been a crime against the elderly. The man could have been hurt.
If things have reached such a pitch; then why doesn't he just move? Even better, just ignore the old man.
Part of being a good neighbor is keeping the peace and showing tolerance. How much trouble can a man in his 70's be?
He has limited mobility, and though he is feisty; he is still limited by age. He's trying to prove otherwise, but all this will take it's toll. Your boyfriend is counting on that; and he is deliberately challenging the man to wear him down.
Ten to one, the old guy was living there long before your boyfriend moved in. The old man may own his property; and have limited financial resources. His age alone would make moving impractical.
I think your boyfriend's frustration comes from the fact the old man isn't afraid of him, and he stands up to him in spite of the fact he knows he is stronger. It's no longer the aggravation from noise, but there is a pissing contest going on. Your boyfriend should be the one showing more respect. Considering the man's age;he has taken things too far.
He has revealed that he has a very relentless and vindictive nature. You are either very flexible or submissive to him. I don't know how you could possibly be with this guy for over four years, and never have seen this side of him before. He must be one heck of a good actor.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 If something like this has been happening for years, then I'd say your boyfriend gets off on the strife between him and the elderly guy. It takes two to fight, and you learn more about his character by his conflicts than you ever will by his sugary words to you.
It's one thing to be annoyed by a neighbor who is a nuisance. It's another to be vindictive, and wanting to remove a ladder is not only vindictive, it could get him in jail for trespassing on his property.
You already know he's not empathetic. This is just the most obvious version of it. You've been ignoring this trait of his for too long.
You have a choice now - to decide whether or not you want to put up with it. If you do, I'd suggest that you stay out of his fight with the elderly guy. If you don't, then it's time to move on and date someone else.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 It was just a fantasy of him for the old man to get stuck there. Him falling or getting a heart attack is just an icing on the cake. You are not stupid for being upset. Maybe in your relationship you don't feel like he has empathy and things like this make you question him. This is who he is. He may have some selfish, asshole trait but you have to decide if his good qualities outweigh the bad ones. I don't think it is an outrageous or uncommon thing to wish someone died, at least among males. If there is nothing to do about it like moving the only thing you could do is blow off some steam by fantasizing. He could have kept it to himself but felt that it was comfortable to share this with you. It would be untasteful to share it with a girlfriend but with guy friends it is considered acceptable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): I can completely understand why this would upset you.To say such a thing in the context of continually displaying a lack of empathy is very worrying. We were not there, only you - so a lot really depends on your gut feeling about this.It sounds as though the situation is obsessional, and your partner cannot feel the healthy feelings that would stop it from becoming obsessional.I definitely would not stay with such a man.It's possible that his words meant nothing, or something - it could go either way. And this could be a 'one off' situation with his neighbour, or it could be evidence of a trait that will recur and possibly worsen.Neither you, nor anyone else reading your post, will really be able to tell.If you are genuinely worried the best thing to do would be to tell the police of your concerns. I personally would not try to reason with your partner any more. It seems like this obsession has gone on for far too long for him to see reason, especially if it is offered from someone that he is familiar with.It's possible that the police could simply come and talk to both parties and this, in itself, will be enough to 'shock' your partner into realising that what he has said is not healthy.
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