A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! I'm 21 and before I left to study abroad (6 month exchange program) I was seeing someone (let's call him B) exclusively for about a month. I did not get into an official relationship with him because I felt that it was difficult to maintain a relationship when I am overseas (time difference, his extremely busy schedule, me making new friends etc). Furthermore, we just started seeing each other.I am not a clingy person and I make friends easily (as a result I spend a lot more time with my friends). Unfortunately I find him really clingy these days as I have to constantly update him about my whereabouts, who I am out with and when I get home (through text). He also tells me he gets jealous and insecure when I go to bars or clubs with my friends. Where I am on exchange has a strong drinking culture. But I feel that I haven't done anything to make him feel that way. I am always with the same group of friends who have fun responsibly. Lastly, he is 5 years older than me. We've only been going out for a month when he has expressed his desire to marry me in two years, which scares me because in two years I would like to be doing my masters and not be married. Am I being selfish when I feel that he's too clingy when perhaps he is being concerned and serious about me?
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 Trust your instincts. When something doesn't seem right, its normally because it isn't. Who says that they love and want to marry you after a month and you aren't even a couple? Its creepy and weird and he's not being protective, he's being jealous and controlling. It will only get worse. I would cut things off now and just say that you are too busy with college and friends to be investing time into a relationship. And then end contact.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 Why would you be selfish ? If not wanting to get married within two years, and to a virtual stranger that you basically do not know anything about yet, means being selfish, then there must be millions of people who are as selfish as you and more !
It's not really a problem of being selfish ,it's that you and this guy do not click, he is not the right person for you. I can't say if he is "normal " clingy or "stalker " clingy, anyway he IS clingy and you do not like that . You'd like someone who can be affectionate but independent and be secure in himself enough to be able loving you AND giving you space to do your things ( respectfully and with common sense as you are doing ). So, obviously, not this guy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 February 2015):
 Yeah, this is huge "red flag" territory. One month shouldn't be seeing declarations of love, talks of marriage, OR constant updates of where you are.
What you MUST NOT do is indulge his insecurity or make excuses or constantly defend where you are or who you are with. You must not compensate for his jealousy. For example, when he demands you check in constantly with your whereabouts, don't be so quick to text back or call back.
It's not normal at the one month mark to be THAT controlling of someone. If you let him do this to you, next it'll be letting him choose what you wear, him putting pressure on you to lose friends of yours that he doesn't approve of, or places you go, like clubs with your friends. Soon, it'll progress to the point where he could alienate you from your own family, where you have to be ready for him to drop in unannounced, or he'll get really upset about your romantic past before you met him. Then he'll be TIMING you when you say you're going somewhere.
He's not being "concerned and serious". He's not being "protective", which is a cop-out word for "possessive". Talk of love and marriage this quickly is flaky. Couple that with this controlling behavior, and yes, this could be stalker material.
I have been stalked before, and I'm telling you that you should cut this guy loose before the obsession turns dangerous.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): What you describe as "clingy" goes a little beyond that. You're a foreigner in his country, you fascinate him, and he seems a little smitten( maybe obsessed?). Perhaps a tad unstable? It has romantic-connotations, but it's also over the top. He wants to keep tabs on you by "remote-control" from far away. Just imagine what it could be like had he been with you over time?
Talking of marriage so soon to someone you've dated only a month, might raise a few red-flags. You don't mention the country, so giving him the benefit of the doubt; it may be a cultural-thing. Where he comes from, it may be considered romantic to declare to the woman of your dreams she'll be your future wife. Maybe he's hoping to become a Canadian citizen someday?
I think distance keeps you safe; but he sounds like the stalker-type. If you feel uncomfortable and things seem to be becoming a little too weird; maybe now is the time to sever ties with this guy. He doesn't know you well enough to be so jealous. You're not even officially in a relationship. The distance between you is making him, for lack of a better word, "crazy." He considers you his girlfriend, with or without your permission.
I might add that he's far too serious for the length of time you've been dating. He has no right to impose restrictions on your recreational-activities; nor to insist you check-in like a kid on curfew.
I don't see anything wrong with spending time with your friends; no matter how you all choose to entertain yourselves. You're not his fiance and maybe he's a bit much for someone your age. You don't seem comfortable with dealing with an older-guy so "possessive" of your time.
You don't want to hurt his feelings; but he's the older one!
You don't have to account for your time or whereabouts every moment of the day. Not even if this guy was your official-boyfriend.
I sense you want out and feel concerned about how it will effect him. You like him, and don't want him to feel you played him along. He's a grown man, and he'll get over it if you decide you want to discontinue any further contact. If he is being too pushy, you might be better off to let this fizzle to an end. He has already admitted he's jealous and insecure. These are red-flags at the top of the list!
I think you know his behavior is a bit peculiar. You also know that you must have friends; and someone your age should be out having fun in your free-time, which doesn't require his approval and no apologies. You never committed to a relationship. If he is suffering from the space between you and freaking out over what you're doing in his absence; it may be better to let him go. Not that you really needed to, but perhaps you could have officially let him know you were moving on before leaving, to give him closure. That would have been prior notice to start detaching his feelings. He's infatuated with the lovely foreign exchange-student from Canada. It's the tragic unrequited love-story; but that isn't your fault.
Follow your instincts. Just the fact you wrote your post seems you've pretty much figured this one out on your own. Call him soon, and give him your decision.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 February 2015):
 I agree with Auntie Bim Bim
Cut the contact to morning text and later in the day. TWO texts a day should be enough.
I agree it's a HUGE red flag to want to marry a "virtual" stranger - after a month you are still a stranger.
And he isn't being clingy, he is being controlling.
He doesn't OWN you. or your time. I suggest you ENJOY you program overseas and the friends you make.
I would also consider the ending it. It doesn't MAKE you a "bad" person to end it. TRUST those spidey tingly sensation you feel, THAT is your GUT telling you his behavior is NOT OK.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 Declarations of love and intent to marry after only a month of dating are a red flag.
I hope you let him know what your plans are for the next two years and that at this stage marriage is definitely not one of them.
You say you are not in an official relationship with him, so I find his attempts to control you from a distance through constantly having to keep him updated regards your movements and who your friends of concern.
I think you are confusing clingy with controlling.
Stop responding to his constant texts for updates, maybe consider cutting back to a text in the morning, just prior to when you leave for class, and another mid afternoon, "I had a great day in class, going out with some friends in an hour or so, I'll text you again in the morning" and leave it at that. Keep it up for a week or two, if he is clingy he will accept it (unwillingly) if he is controlling he wont accept it at all and will try and gain the upper hand, in which case you dump him immediately and make sure somebody else meets you at the airport when you go home.
Gauge his reaction,
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2015):
 No, you are not being selfish. You aren't in a relationship, you don't have to answer to him, nor are you required to feed into his fantasy about marriage.
If I were in your shoes, and dealing with this type of controlling person, I'd end the relationship. Right away. And you don't need to explain things or comfort him or any of that.
"B, this isn't working for me. We are not in sync and I am not ready to be in an 'official' relationship with you. I wish you well and hope you find love and happiness in the future."
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