A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Why am I still so jealous?I had a fall out with a girl over a guy not so long ago - she was seeing him, but so was I prior to that too! We made it up again later (as I knew there is no point falling out over a man) but the thing is - it's hard to just pretend that nothing has happened. Also she is a sexy, confident person popular with the women as well as men and I even get jealous of the fact she is close with some of my female friends too, as she confides in them as opposed to me now.I would try and distance myself from her - and cut ties altogether (for example on Facebook) but then it proves that I still have a problem with her and other friends will think I'm still jealous too! So what should I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 July 2015):
 OP,probably now you'll think mine is a lame advice, but maybe, if you let it sink in, in time you'll come to see it's sound advice instead.
Own your actions. Live authentically ; don't be ashaned to be true to yourself.
There are so many occasions when we have to wear a mask and act some role, in life and in society- at least let this happen when there is a good reason behind it , like ,for instance, in the workplace - to make a living and support yourself .Why living a lie also because of minor , futile matters like "saving face " in front of a bunch of acquaintances.
You DO still have a problem with this girl !, and you DO still don't like her. Whether you are right and legitimated in feeling this way, or you are just a sore loser, that's not really the point.
The point is, you have a problem with this person, she is not enriching your life, and you feel it's better and more appropriate not to be around her.
So, do just that. Don't be around her. Dispose of her.
What if the others should think that you are jealous ?....
Exactly : what if ?
Jealousy is a human emotion, you don't have to be perfect and only feel positive feelings toward everybody. So, there's a little chink in your armour, you are a tad jealous of a girl who seems to be somewhat luckier in love and more popular.
Do you really think it is worse if people could suspect or detect your little weakness - than if you have to kiss a** and flash hypocritical smiles to someone you can't stomach ? ...
Moreover , in case you were asked questions, or wanted to volunteer an explanation , it's not really a matter of " being jealous " or " falling out over a guy ".
It is a matter of loyalty. If you are a person who prizes loyalty and sincerity in their friends, obviously you could not have appreciated her disloyalty. You have, wisely, accepted to NOT wage war over that , to act civil, to not make a mointain of a molehil... but if you find that a person lacked in integrity and loyalty in her dealings with you, it is to be expected that you can't feel the same as before toward her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): P.S - to female anon. Thanks for your answer. Yes I have tried talking to her about it - but it is always me initiating conversation - she never approaches me - as if she has something to hide still.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): Thanks WiseOwl & everyone else for your comments. I am the OP. Yes it was traumatic & yes maybe she is suspicious of me too. I really must try to avoid her - although like I say - it's hard when there are mutual friends. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2015): You have a right to feel jealousy or resentment if there was a conflict between you regarding a mutual love-interest. It happens, and it is a very emotionally traumatic experience. You were hurt. Bad behavior is never justified; it only shows what you lack in character.
Although it is immature and futile to continue to carry hostility once you've made up; it doesn't mean your feelings will change in an instant. However; you have to conduct yourself like an intelligent and reasonable adult. In spite of the fact you hold residual anger over the past.
I do recommend cutting ties, over being phony. It sometimes takes time to reach a true level of forgiveness; so until you can, best to just be civil and suppress childish behavior. Avoid her if you must. Avoid him for sure.
You are pretty young, and these are the situations you will learn from. You do acknowledge fighting over a guy was foolish of both of you; but you don't lower your self-worth over differences in your personalities and appearance. You both have qualities that attracted the guy; but you turned on each other, because she is also jealous and insecure around you.
In reference to how other people like her; let us attribute that to how she conducts herself, and how she treats other people. It isn't always based on her looks. People may like her for who she is. Disliking her and jealousy is clouding your judgement. Your feelings are biased by your disagreement and falling-out during a love-triangle. It brings out the worst in us. You still harbor resentment, now you're making her out to be stealing all your friends.
Maybe your bitterness is getting the better of you, my dear.
Nothing tarnishes your beauty more than bitterness.
Travel in separate circles for awhile. Make some new friends that don't know her, or the past. You start fresh and move forward on a new path; when the past lingers, and you still need time to get over it. You leave it all behind you, and you don't look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2015): Thanks Tisha - you have made some good points & I will look up some of those links. I only really think about her when I am home alone - & even though I have blocked her feed I still look at her page when I am curious.
I hate the fact it takes over my life! You're right though - I obviously haven't forgiven her as she isn't the most honest person...
Thanks anyway, OP x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 July 2015):
 You haven't forgiven her. You may have made up but you have not put it behind you at all. The problem now is that you view her as competition, not a friend.
I think the best answer to your question, "What should I do?" is to live your life without spending any time thinking about her beyond the chance encounters you may have, for example on Facebook. One thing you can do is block her feed from your wall so you are still technically "friends" but you don't have to watch her photos and posts scroll across your feed.
You are still jealous so it's not surprising your friends would figure that out.
I know that there would be many women out there who would see you as sexy and confident as well, you just seem to continue to judge yourself against this particular "frenemy." So, the simple answer is to stop comparing. How do you do that?
Well, there are many strategies you could try. There's the elastic band around your wrist that you snap every time you start to think about how much better she is than you and is stealing all your friends *SNAP!*
There's mindfulness, which in an extremely inadequate nutshell, is that you pay attention to what narratives your mind is making up. In other words, your mind is constantly looking for things to worry and fret about and for things to make you feel bad. Become aware of that negative narrative and become the witness to the mind, not the mind itself. (I know, that sounds very strange but there are some wonderful books on my profile that explain it far better than I ever could)
There's acknowledging that she's done x y and z and it makes you jealous. Then you start self-affirmation type of activities. There's great stuff on http://www.happify.com
There's also identifying if you might be experiencing stinkin' thinking. A great resource I've found was https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
How much time during the day are you thinking about this frenemy and what she did?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2015): If you are finding it hard to break the ties with your ex and he has obviously gotten over you, then you need to make some radical changes in your life. Try to forget about him, as it didnt work out with you two, maybe get rid of everything that reminds you of him. And talk to this girl, the one youre jealous of. She'll probably understand and would rather your honesty because she has probably sensed your jealousy and you may be making her uncomfortable.
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