A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really dont know where to start its been a rough few years but i guess ill start toward the beginning i was with "M" for 9 years and 3 kids and come one night about 5 years ago now she tells me she is seeing someone else.Well she only stayed at the house for maybe another week after that she left that night she told me with the kids hanging on her legs and a few days later i gave her a second chance and well it wasn't what she wanted so she went her own way and i got custody of the kids.Since then she really hasn't been a part of their lives ever since well about a year or so. After she left i met someone else and we were perfect for each other "B" was perfect we dated and talked and i fell in love with her ive never felt like this towards anyone in my life i really think that "B" is my soul mate my one true love things went great for a year or so and thats when things changed and some circumstances came up with her ex her kids father.It was abusive but he moved back in with her and will not leave her alone and i still talk to "B".It's been almost two and half years since he moved back in with her she tells me that nothing goes on between them.She says it's just like room mates and that he is doing this because he has no place to go and he knows that he can control her and she wont do anythinbg about it because she is scared of him.I still love "B" more than anything she is all i ever think about, but when this happened i waited for a year or so, waiting in the background, hoping that she would be with me.But it never happened.I tried to go out and move on with my life feeling cursed in love and i started hanging out with an old girlfriend and we dated for a few months but i broke it off because of how i feel for "B" I never gave this other girl a chance and i still wasnt with "B" and didnt get to talk to her very often. I cant call her because if what she says is true well i dont want nothing to happen to her and my life went on like this.In that time period i lost everything - house car because i didnt make enough at my job and the kids mom didnt pay her child support.So i had to leave my house and move in with my mother. Which no one wants to do, but where else was i going to go with 3 kids? This takes us up to october of last year. i had a mental breakdown and the kids mom "M" and i talked and we were going to try and work things out and have a family.So i picked up with the kids and moved 4 hours away got a job and things didnt change she was the same person as she was before she didnt want anything to do with me.Always telling me we are not together and i would say than why did you have me move down here blah blah i moved back with the kids 3 months later got a decent job.Now I am working on getting our own place again the kids and i and have my family even though its just the kids and i feel so lost.I still talk to "B" Still love her so much she tells me that she loves me and wants to be with me and in time that it will happen but ive been told that the last 3 years am i a fool for wanting to believe her and wait for her? am i being played? will i ever be happy? i dont know what to do anymore im so lost and feel hopeless, im not perfect in any way do i deserve this to be treated this way? maybe i do?please help should i wait and hope or try to move on with life?
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female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 You won't feel like this forever. We are all still learning life. And learning to plan around life's unexpected changes. You are not alone, there are people all over the world in the same position, suffering from heartache. So don't lose faith in people.
"B" will have to make that decision on her own whether or not to contact you. If she knows your door is always open to her then she'll trust that security. But make sure you are in a good position to help someone before taking on other tasks. Building a solid foundation for your family first before you consider adding extra burdens. So again, your main focus and priorities are your children. Provide the best for them because you and your kids deserve that. They are learning from you, you are the example.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the advice it really is helpful and im starting to see things differently. its funny though it seems like you know my kids mom "M" and how she is flippy flop from one guy to the next because she does just that and i have all these people telling me who she with and i dont want to know i wish they wouldnt tell me these things and she still continues to lie to me i dont even want to be friends with her, i just wish i would have chosen better with whom to start a family with but i cant and i will never leave my kids and i just gotta learn to deal with her bs and lies i only gotta talk to her when it has to do with the kids, but you are so right she will never change it has to be about her she is the important one in her eyes and she is a very selfish person, i feel bad for the kids i can only do my best with them and be both the mom and dad they are what is important.im so worried about "B" and when i walk away will i be able to do it?or when she calls will i go running to her?i love "B" very much and im afraid i will compare everyone to her and i wont let anyone in or get close to me because i really do love her.i know i cant change people and this hurts so bad that i cant be with her and how much heartache and worry i have for her its killing me inside.i am losing my faith in people, they are selfish and only seem to care about themselves.and then i start thinking what is wrong with me?are my expectations to high i dont think they are im a pretty simple guy i only expect honesty, faithfullness, and someone who will be there through the good times and the bad and someone to grow old with and share my life with them, i dont think thats to much to expect from someone but apparently im wrong maybe to old fashioned?i really feel so lost and alone and pathetic will this ever pass or am i destined to feel like this all the time?
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear +, writes (6 October 2011):
Wow. I understand your frustrations. I will tell you point blank. You need to move on and forget about both "B" and "M". Each for different reasons. "B" is in a relationship she has no control over. She says nothing is going on but is too afraid to completely erase her ex out of her life and the life of her kids. If she can't do that then I wouldn't have much faith that she is strong enough to deny him sex should he want it. Honestly you can NOT make some one want better and help themselves if they don't want to. Only she can decide when enough is enough. As a woman and a mother it is her responsibility to secure a safe environment for her children. Maybe one day she will see the harm in her current situation but it is only up to her to seek help. She obviously knows help is out there(you) but she is refusing to take it. She will only cause you more worry and heartache. I would move on from her. "M" is a whole different story. A woman who not only left you but left her own children for another man. Not the ideal mother most men dream about. This woman cannot see value in you or your relationship because she does not value anything at all. There is no substance to her word, she is flip-floppy from one man to the next and right back around again. She most likely won't change. Investing in a relationship with her again is going to result the same way. (Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.)Think about it this way. You are a responsible man with a lot on your shoulders. You are independently trying to provide for your three children to the best of your ability. The woman you allow into you life, and your children's life will be just as responsible and true hearted as you are. Erase the extra negative baggage from your life and get on with just being happy with you and your children. There will be hard times yes, but soon you will start to see things clearly. Maybe then finding that woman who is truly meant to be will be clear as day. I think right now your judgement is very clouded. Focus on making you and your children happy. This is most important, all the rest will fall into place at it's own time.
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