A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for over 25 years, but am currently separated from my husband due to various issues. One of the issues is suspected cheating, which my husband denies. I just wanted to hear other peoples perspective on this, as my husbands deceptive behavior continues in others areas, and he continually says I am unfairly accusing him of lying.The things that made me suspect cheating:*Finding several long hairs (definitely not mine)in my comb. The comb was on the bathroom counter and the house should have been empty while we were both at work. When I arrived home from work I noticed about 4 or 5 long black hairs in the comb and lying near the comb. The only way they could have got there is either someone used the comb while I was at work, or the hairs transferred to me while on the subway, and then ended up in the comb.*A female co-worker would phone our home to talk to my husband quite often in regards to work. If I happened to answer she would very rudely and brusquely ask me to put my husband on the line. She was also rude to me when I met her in person. Considering I had never met her before, I found this odd. When I questioned my husband about why she was so rude to me, he acted surprised, and then he told me she was rude to all women.....upon further questioning (after the fact) he told me she was hitting on him and that she hit on all the men at work (all married men) and would , in his own words, drape herself seductively across the desk at work. But he claims she was a nice person and that nothing inappropriate even happened between them.*My husband made a very unusual phone call while on a family camping trip. He walked away from our campsite without telling me or our kids where he was going. After he was missing for at least an hour, I told the kids to take a bike ride down to the pay phone and see if he was there. They found him talking on the phone and he immediately hung up. He came back to the campsite in an extremely foul mood. When I first saw his face upon returning, I thought he had gotten some very bad news, he looked that upset. When I questioned him he refused to tell me what was wrong or who he phoned, and was extremely angry at me and kids, swearing at us, and refusing to communicate with us for about another hour or so. Even after calming down, he refused to say what the phone call was about.None of these events are recent, they happened over a period of several years. My husband now claims he has no memory of the phone call at all.Sorry for the length of my question - if you have read this far thank you! Any opinions are appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2016): The OP again,
Cindy, you are correct. I guess the thing is I can also see the good side of him and always there is the hope that a person can see how they are hurting the other person and make the changes required, but it seems like he isn't capable of this.
It also seems as though his therapist, instead of helping him see that is also partially to blame for the situation, is making him feel like he is innocent of all wrong doing. I would like to be able to at least communicate with him with some degree of honesty and trust, but at this point in time that is not possible. Very sad, very frustrating.....
Thanks to those who replied
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2016):
 " Then he became physically abusive ".
That's the clincher.
OP .. do you have to CARE ? If really cheated on you, if his therapist actually gave him that advice, if he thinks you are crazy or guilty ??...
In your shoes I would not waste one more thought on this. Not only you are separated with no wish or chance to reconcile . But " he became physically abusive ". That's when he crossed the final line and put the nails on the coffin of your marriage. With or without phone calls, black hairs or whatnot.
He hit you , OP- you should not even be talking to this man ! you should let your lawyers do the talking . Let alone worrying about what he thinks about you and if he believes you were faithful.... This man just should not exist in your mental landscape, OP- he lost any right to belong to it the first time he raised his hand on you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 June 2016):
 OP,
It seems to me whether he is cheating or not is irrelevant, the marriage in no longer healthy nor sustainable.
Could he have been cheating? Sure. IS there concrete "evidence" in what you posted, that he cheated? Inconclusive I'd say.
I think as a wife (or husband), you sometimes just KNOW. Specially when you have lived with that person for 20+ years. If something is up, WE know.
I think that fact that he is emotionally abusive should be "enough" for you to be OK with divorcing him. YOU do not deserve emotionally abuse.
Honestly? I'd focus on the future, the kids and NOT whether he cheated or not. It won't put food on the table or make you happier in life knowing 100%. What CAN help you move on, is saying I WILL no longer allow him to treat me this way. I deserve better.
Think of yourself, the kids first... not him.
YOU are not the sum of HIS actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): Hi OP.The fact he was extremely ANGRY when you questioned him about that phone call is yet ANOTHER red flag. Shows guilt. His anger was his way of getting you to STOP asking questions about it or continuing to talk about it, period. Because he KNOWS he is guilty. He did NOT want you to find out. So the anger is a cover up, a deliberate ploy to get you to stop questioning him by making it look like he is very upset because he is INNOCENT when in fact, he is GUILTY.Another red flag? The fact he is shifting the blame on you and accusing YOU of having an affair. When HE is the one who had the affair. CLASSIC sign right there. They need to deflect their actions on the innocent party to alleviate their own guilt and lay blame elsewhere to cover up their own guilt. It's called "gas lighting." A technique often used by narcissists. OP, there are so many signs that point to his guilt. I will bet you anything he had an affair with this woman. But I will also bet you that she made him miserable during and after the fact. Some women are just bitc*es. And from the way she acted on the phone, she was absolutely a hand full for him. He probably dumped her after realizing she was not worth it. Which probably pissed her off. No doubt she was just a sex toy. But it does not matter anymore. You have thankfully rid yourself of an emotionally abusive, lying, cheating excuse of a husband. And I do not believe all marriages are worth saving. Especially ones with this kind of a partner. It does not matter if you were together 22 years or 2 years. Hope you can move on and forget about him. Find yourself a good guy who will treat you right.I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): Hi, I'm the original poster once again. Thanks for the replies. I think the answer by the anonymous female reader is very accurate. Thanks for confirming that my feelings are not paranoia. The current situation is we are separated, and these incidents with the coworker happened a few years ago. At the time of the phone call, I was very confused about what was happening. I didn't question him any further at that time due to his extreme anger. I wish now I had looked into things further and investigated my suspicions ( and the things I listed here were not the only things I found suspicious about this women).But it's too late now to do that.We have since gone to marriage counseling due to problems within our marriage, and the co-worker incident was brought up by me during counseling. My husband's story about this incident has changed repeatedly - from not remembering the phone call at all, to saying he went to phone to change campgrounds, to telling me he went to phone his office but can't remember what the phone call was about but he remembers walking to the phone to make the call....which only made me more suspicious. I should mention that if he cheated or if didn't cheat is not only problem with the marriage. He had been emotionally abusive throughout our marriage, and I had had enough and started to question certain things. He then became physically abusive when he realized he was losing control of me.I am just asking for opinions on this because at this point in time my husband is making unreasonable demands on me which he claims are at the suggestion of his new therapist (I don't believe this story at all). He claims his therapist says I've projected that he had an affair because I'm guilty of one.(Note: I never had an affair, which my husband knows. I've talked to an old ex-boyfriend online, but this happened recently). So now he's claiming he's innocent of any wrong doing, and I'm a crazy paranoid wife who had no reason to ever suspect him of cheating and am doing so just because I'm the guilty party.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen +, writes (16 June 2016):
 Personally I feel like your husband's behavior and the constant phone calls are not normal nor are they respectful.
It's definitely possible he cheated although there is a chance he is innocent. Regardless the best thing to do is move on in your life. Your relationship is not fixable without trust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): I don't think you are being paranoid.You obviously have a gut feeling.Don't dismiss it.And continue to keep an eye on it.I do not think this co-worker is completely innocent. I think there is more to this story than your husband is telling you.There is almost never a good enough reason to call any co-worker at home. Not in the day and age of emails, texting and day to day live communication at work. Calling home seems like something you might do in the days before we had so many other methods of communication at our disposal. Or something you might do as a last resort or in an emergency. I do not believe anything at work is important enough to warrant a phone call at home by a colleague. Now, the fact your husband has already painted this woman out to be the office whore is not a good sign. He has shown you what she is capable of. She is the TYPE of woman you need to be worried about. The TYPE of woman you need to be aware of. The TYPE of woman who would have an affair with a married man. The TYPE of woman who would have an affair with your husband. Now that we have established she IS a threat, you have a starting point to further investigate.Your husband was trying to be too forthcoming with his information. Adding too much honesty in an attempt to make her seem harmless. But look beneath what he is saying. Some liars try to cover up the truth by being truthful - to an extent. So it seems non threatening. Keep this in mind. And yes, I agree with another poster. He is prepping you for any future actions by this woman. Trying to pass them off as "flirtatious" but "harmless" because she is, after all, a recognized floozie. At least this is the image he is trying to put forth of her. Which may be true but it would throw you off the trail if he passes her behaviour off as that is how she always is.Now, as for the phone call, the fact he did not tell you what it was about is a huge red flag. The fact he came back visibly upset and took his anger out on the family is another red flag. The fact he did not even "remember" (so he says) the conversation, yet another red flag. He is attempting to sweep whatever that conversation was all about under the rug. Off your radar. Now, my guess is that it was her who he was talking to during that long winded telephone call. And she was probably pissed off at him for being on vacation with his family and not with her. Likely giving him the third degree about how he is not paying attention to her, how you and your family are more important, how she is going to leave him etc. Obviously, having a wife AND mistress could cause a man great stress. It is difficult dealing with one woman. Add two and the stress level rises considerably.If there are problems in your marriage and clearly there are, you are going to feel insecure about your husband and your worries will be justified. You are feeling as if he has gone to another woman for emotional support or sexual relief. Hence an affair. So, you are trying to piece it all together. Make sense of everything. Deep down you sense things have changed. There has been a shift. Your marriage is not the same anymore. And you are wondering WHY? Could it have something to do with this other woman?So, my best advice is do not confront him about it anymore. Do not mention her anymore. Make him think you have forgotten all about it. Just make sure you do the work. Find out what is really going on and once you have proof, then confront him. NOT BEFORE. He will just lie and get better at hiding his cheating ways if he is cheating. Hire a P.I if you can afford it. If not, just keep an eye out. You know your husband better than anyone. So you will know when you need to follow him and when you feel he is going to be up to no good.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (16 June 2016):
For you and your husband to be separated, things must not be great between you. Is he cheating or done so in the past? None of us can say for sure. He may or may not have. My advice is this, if there is a chance you can work on your marriage then do it. Try therapy or whatever you feel will help. Before you start working on anything you two need to have a face to face serious conversation. Open your hearts up to each other. Also unless you have solid proof he's cheating, stop bringing it up with him. Innocent until proven guilty. Not only will you likely push him away, you'll drive yourself nuts worrying and suspecting. I know you're worried and probably overwhelmed with the separation etc but be kind to yourself. 25yrs of marriage is a long time and worth fighting for. You probably know him really well after so many years so use past experiences to guide you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 None of the things that you mention is evidence that he is cheating. Maybe she was seductive to all married men and maybe she did dislike women, it does happen, unfortunately there are woman like this in the world. As for the phone call well who knows what it might have been, it could have been 1001 thing. Also the long black hair, could it have been the children maybe combing a dolls hair ect?
You say you are separated at the moment. Do you feel you want to get back in to this marriage or is it over for you? If it is over then the best thing you can do is put these accusations to bed and live your life to the fullest. Forget about the past and focus on the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): I'm the original writer of the question. Response to Garbo - I never mentioned "tone of voice" as evidence of cheating. In fact, didn't mention that at all....If you were referring to the co-workers tone of voice - it wasn't tone that got my suspicions up - it was the fact that she was very rude to me. And the phone call incident shows that my husband was definitely trying to cover up something or else he would have told me what the call was about. Also, swearing at your wife and kids is just not acceptable behavior. Either is deceptiveness about a phone call. And my husband has been caught lying about other things before and since this, so everything he does now is suspect. That's his fault for lying in the first place.The hairs were found in my brush years ago, before we had kids. No one was in our apartment while we were at work, unless my husband left work at lunch time and went home....or as he told me maybe someone broke in while we were at work and used my brush, lol. So the only way the hairs could have got there is someone using my brush or they were transferred on my hair. The problem with the transfer theory is is seems impossible for several hairs to be transferred this way, also, I didn't think I even used the brush before noticing the hairs....but then I wondered if maybe I used the brush while on auto-pilot and couldn't remember?? Or did I just not want to see the truth at that time?Yes, I agree that the story of the seductive coworker is lame and not very believable. How many women hit on all the married men in their office? And do they phone their homes to ask them constant questions? He worked there for many years and no one else ever acted like that.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 June 2016):
 Nothing that you list here rises up to the level of evidence that he is cheating. Tone of voice is not evidence of him cheating; that she is hitting on him is not cheating because people get hit on all the time; unusual phone calls and unwillingness to talk about them isn't evidence of cheating and... the fact that he has no memory of those calls implies that they were all meaningless to him but meaningful to you due to presumption.
Zero of what you have listed amounts to any evidence.
Also, people sometimes react weirdly when accused of wrongdoing when no wrongdoing actually exists. So if your "questioning" such that it implies to him that he is cheating - either by your body language, emotional language, language of your voice tone - then how do you answer to a maliciously construed statement? Basically, you can never answer a negative if you construe a negative out of fictitious circumstance.
Are you paranoid? Idk, but one thing for sure, having baseless accusations does not deepen the health of your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): 1. You said you have kids. Could one of your kid's friends ( a girl with long black hair of course) have come home and used the comb? - If not, then there's reason for you to suspect. Does this rude lady have long black hair, since you are suspecting there's something between them?
The phone call- A man could be upset over many things. A relationship is one of them. It could have been something to do with work, or money, or something that went wrong basically, which he did not want to share with you as you might be upset with him, or something that would make you think lesser of him. He might not want to share with you if his boss scolded him or someone else got promoted or if he underwent a loss in investment.
I wouldn't rule out cheating. It's not a good sign if a partner acts strange and pulls himself away from you. How about your sex life? Any changes? This cooking up of a colleague being seductive towards men and rude towards women sounds lame. Why would such a woman make it so obvious in a workplace? It sounds like he's keeping you posted with half truth abt the lady early on so that it is easier for him to tell lies or build stories on this in the future.
When people lie, they want to sound realistic, so very often they try too hard to sound realistic by cooking up stuff. Adding to that, their innocence. He wants to show you that she's all over him and he's clean. If so, why is he having so much to do with her?
I think you can give him the benefit of doubt until there's concrete proof or signs that he's in this marriage for something other than love.
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