A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been having an affair with a much younger, beautiful and sexy woman for over three years.I am in a fairly good marriage and we've been married for 22 years. My wife and I are on the same wave length. We've been through a lot together and are still very good friends. I love her but it is more like a caring love based on shared history and not so much a romantic and passionate love. We have a blended family. She has two daughters from a previous marriage and I have two sons from a previous marriage as well. My wife is no longer having sex with me. In fact, we hadn't been having sex for at least 10 years. I was not seeking out another woman. Until I met her.Everything changed from that moment onward.It was this instant chemistry and attraction. It was undeniable. When I first saw her, I was hooked. I just had to know her. I noticed her first but she did not notice me. I thought she was totally out of my league because she is so young and beautiful and that she would never even give me a second glance. I tried to keep my distance but one day, I made sure I caught her attention and locked eyes with her, for what seemed like an eternity. That was where the fire was ignited. Eventually she began to smile more at me, look for reasons to talk to me or be in my company. It led to a full blown pursuit on her part as we got to know each other better as I gave her many signals and green lights of encouragement. You can say I let her catch me. Finally, one night it happened. We consummated our passion for one another. Frankly, it was a dream come true for this old guy. The passion I share with her is like no other. We are made for each other sexually. But she is more than that. She is a beautiful and intelligent and caring woman.Despite that, the guilt of what I am doing to my wife and family and to my girlfriend sometimes consumes me. I feel stuck. I still love my wife but the passion and spark has long since faded from our marriage. My girlfriend makes me feel alive, needed, vital, like I am walking on a cloud. She looks at me like I am the best thing that ever happened to her. I think she is in love with me. I have told her I cannot give her the future she deserves and cannot leave my wife. And she sticks with me. No matter what, this girl has stuck by me. She is too good for me. I try to distance myself and not admit I have any emotions for my girlfriend in order to protect my marriage. I mean, I don't want my life to change. I have an amazing wife and an amazing girlfriend. I do not want to leave my wife based on shared history and friendship. But I could not live without my girlfriend. My life would never be the same without her. I would feel dead and like a broken man.I just feel like I am losing control sometimes. I worry it will all come crashing down. I worry about losing my wife and family. I worry about losing my girlfriend.I will never admit if I am in love with my girlfriend. She is always on my mind and I worry that I do love her. But I suppress it. I am not sure if it is even possible to deny love itself.How do I deal with this without losing my sanity?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2016): OP, I will now play the devil's advocate for a change. Because yes, what you are doing is wrong on so many levels... but you already know it!
Nobody could understand you better than me when you say you're on the verge of losing your mind!
I'm a woman, younger than you, in my thirties, married for 15 years and madly in love with a married man. I should say that, although he also loves me, we do not have a relationship and never had. It's just passion, tension, the fact that I take him the way he is, that I don't judge him, that I accept him in a way his wife doesn't. On the other hand, he is the perfect partner for me, he cares for me, he respects me and we are extremely sexually attracted to each other. Exactly your story....
But we decided not to cheat on our partners!
I don't know what will be. I only know I've been in love with him for the last year - and I've been in hell and still am! Living every day apart from the man I dream of every second...
Would I leave my husband for him? Definitely! Not as his mistress, but as his official partner. Would he leave his wife for me? Probably not, I can imagine he thinks exactly the way you do. No sex, no passion but respect and friendship - why give that away?
Bottom line - do what you have to do to be happy. Life is short and your happiness should be your main concern. Right now you are miserable, NOT happy! End this affair or leave your wife. But please stop playing this dirty game. It only hurts YOU!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2016): I will bet you that you will happily continue living the rest of your life with a mistress and a wife. Stress? Guilt? This hasn't stopped you for 3 years. I suspect it isn't going to stop you over the next 3 years either.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 Your submittal reads like a passage from a "Harlequin" dime-store novel. Oooodles of us guys could have written it.... and it does a good job justifying all that has happened amongst you, wifey and mistress.
Problem is.... life is NOT a dime-store novel!! Some day you (and wifey and mistress) are all going to be there when this blows up.... Usually, none of the three ends up "winning"..... instead the three of you (all) get to share varying degrees of "losing"....
Choose when you want to start that process... and start revealing....
Good luck..... it's often gut-wrenching...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): You are just happy with the comfort of your life as you know it. Surely the last thing you would want to do at your age is start over by hitching your wagon to a young woman who is in an entirely different place in life. I think it's a love affair like none other in your life. You are not the first old guy to be wowed by a gorgeous young thing. She has sent your life into a tailspin. She has awakened you and it is hard to let that go. She is like a sweet poison. Highly addictive. You can go with it for however long it lasts but in the end, a lot of people will be hurt. Your wife, your girlfriend, your family, AND YOU.In a perfect world, you should be with your girlfriend. I don't believe your wife makes you happy. And I don't believe you love her. I think you might love your girlfriend but are too afraid to take the leap of faith. Too much of a gamble for a man who has built a life with his wife. Too much to lose. But make no mistake, that is NOT love for your wife. Just the safest bet on the table for a non gambling man like yourself.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 You need to come clean with everyone - especially yourself. Some facts:- she's not your girlfriend; she's your mistress, "the *other* woman"; a girlfriend is someone you commit to and you're not committing at all- you're being *incredibly* selfish, your wife deserves better and your girlfriend does too, but not while she's "stealing" someone else's husband- you don't love your wife; you're betraying her and have been for 3 years- you're also betraying your familyThe reason I needed to tell you the above is because you're refusing to leave your place of denial. Please leave your wife. Staying with her does nothing but hurt her because you're still cheating on her. If you stay with her, at least tell her the truth - stop covering for yourself. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions.As for your other woman, stay with her, if you want, but she shouldn't trust you - if you can cheat on your *wife*, what's protecting her? You may find that problem arises; paranoia that stems from your dishonesty and infidelity.Personally, I think you should leave your wife because she deserves *much* better and you owe her that. I also think you should leave your mistress and be single for 6+ months. Think about what you want in a relationship with *one* person, not two (unless you want to look into polyamory), and what you can offer someone else. So far, everything you're offering both women is based on lies and adultery - that's not healthy and it's certainly not fair. Your other woman knew what she was getting into, but your wife has no idea and that needs to change now.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 Come on...what do you do? You make a decision and stop being so self absorbed and selfish. Still, after 22 years of marriage you put this OW before your wife. How have you done this? By giving her a CHOICE. You were up front and honest by telling her that you have no intention of leaving your wife yet she CHOSE to stay. Why she chose is probably more to do with the challenge of getting you to change your mind. Does your wife not deserve the same? That is to CHOOSE if she can live with turning a blind eye or to CHOOSE to leave and find someone else that gives her the same excitement and attention as you get from this OW? There is a little bit too much I, I, I and My, My ,My for this to be something you wish to sort out for the consideration of anyone else but yourself.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 June 2016):
I'm surprised at how much this post has upset me. All you are interested in is yourself OP! Your desires, your feelings, what these women do for you. What about the two women who's lives you are messing up by behaving this way? You say you love them but the only person you love based on your post is yourself. If you felt love you wouldn't dream of hurting your wife like that or of robbing your girlfriend of a real future with someone who can give her a proper relationship, not just a few rolls in the hay behind your wife's back. I'm sorry dude but it's time to stop the 'I can't help it' pity party and grow up. Make your choice and own it.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (16 June 2016):
Firstly, lets get something straight. You are not showing love for either of these women. You are not being true to them or honest with them...especially your wife. Your behaviour is appalling towards her. Three years of deception? Purposefully lying, for that is what you are doing and continuing to do, about being true and happy with her...because you are not. If you were, if your relationship with your wife satisfied you, completes you, fulfilled you, you would not be having an affair for three years. You are not happy with yourself, and you are not happy with either of these women. The woman who you are having the affair with- what is she expecting? I suspect despite what you say she expects you entirely at some point. If she denies this, then I think she is fooling either herself or you, or maybe both. At some point she's going to want a real man who is there for her to fulfill all her needs...you don't do that, and have no intention of doing so. As you do not do this, and your set up that you have, my guess is she will find someone who does- she's no reason to be faithful because it is not a faithful relationship...you ate not being faithful are you? Just because you aren't having sex with your wife doesn't change that, you must know that.And so to your wife. Don't pretend that what you ate doing is in any way loving her. It isn't. All those years together, memories, dreams shared, the trust she has for you...and what you are doing to her ? You are betraying all you had with her. What would it do to her to find out? My guess is it would devastate her, such betrayal always does.You need to make a choice. You have three as I see it. 1- goodbye great sex and stay forever more faithful and loving to your wife, ending all contact with your mistress- for that is what she is.she is not your girlfriend. You cant have a wife and a girlfriend.2- end your marriage and be with your mistress. 3- and I think this is actually what you should do to clear your head and come to terms with what you are doing and the excuses you are making for it in order to continue- leave your wife and finish things with your mistress...at least temporarily to think and discover what you want, then if it is still available, choose and stick to it.Your feelings of guilt and insanity I suspect include ruminating etc...you don't describe happiness within, more moments and times. You are behaving very badly, you are insincere, deceitful and lying. That isn't going to go away if you continue with your current choices.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): "How do I deal with this without losing my sanity?"
By recognizing the harsh reality of the situation. As a guy in your age group I suggest it is much more likely than not that you are simply enamored by the idea that having a young and beautiful mistress (married men don't have girlfriends) proves to the world (and yourself) that you're still handsome and attractive and virile and studly.
My first question would be what is she getting out of this backstreet affair, with the two standard answers being she's a gold digger and/or has daddy issues.
My second question would be what would you say to your sons if you discovered they were engaging in similar behavior? Is this really the example you want to set for them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): If your wife was so "amazing" you wouldn't have needed to look for any other woman.
Are you being really honest with yourself?
I mean, sure you can SAY you love your wife? But who are you trying to convince?
What are you afraid of?
The truth?
What is the truth?
That you might really love your girlfriend? But no way in a million years could that ever happen because falling in love was never in your plans.
News for you: Nothing ever turns out as planned. And life throws us curveballs.
You can keep on with your wife and have your comfort and security and safe life. But you might just realize after you lose your girlfriend that you really did LOVE her. Something you fought hard to deny all along.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 All I can see from this post is you worrying about yourself, it sounds like you are very selfish, I don't see any sympathy for your wife or the woman you are stringing along I just see you talking about you you you.
You need to stop being selfish and make a choice. You cannot have your cake and eat it as well. Off course you don't want to lose either you are having the best of both worlds. But you need to see that this is not fair on either woman, it is time to be a man and make a choice, either you stick with your wife and quit the cheating, or you are honest with her and be with the other woman. Either way I feel sorry for your wife, it is terrible being cheated on especially for three years, that can cause serious mental damage and you are worrying about your sanity? Stop being selfish.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 June 2016):
 You do not love your GF. If you did, you would leave your wife and build a future with her. You love your GFs sex and nothing more, otherwise you would never see future only with your wife. Those whom you love are those whom you want to build the future. You see your future with your wife, not the GF, so be a gentlemen and stop playing with your GFs life. It is utterly selfish to string up a human being for purposes that have nothing to do with you being there for them always. Your GF is living in a false hope that you will leave your wife and be with her, but you have no intention of doing that otherwise why would you sob here about it. And stringing someone along in false promises is evil, because every evil is, first and foremost, a deception.
Stop being a deceiver.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (15 June 2016):
 You're cheating, its wrong because your wife and kids believe you to be this honest, trustworthy, loving father. That said, many many many people unbeknownst to their family often lead double lives, they may have wives/husbands and a lover or many many lovers on the side and not feel a single drop of guilt. Many many people cheat, its wrong but it would be stupid to say that youre a bad man or a criminal. That said, I think its not about what we think you should or shouldnt do but what kind of man do you want to be. Youre plagued by guilt. I think you should look into your reflection and questions what you would rather lose: passion or years of familiarity and comfort and love? At your age I think you can love passion but also know that she is really young and deserves to be with someone who can commit to her. Eventually the gf will start wanting a family or a commitment and she will feel restless/unhappy and want more. If you love her, let her goJust to reflect Ive been that young woman to an older gentleman but he was only almost 10 years older but had no family (he was single). he was just married to his career and even though we spent many many nights full of passion, made love with so much raw passion, me giving him those glowy eyes of love and adoration, it was undeniable we were in love but in the end he chosed his career and left overseas (he also denied telling me he loved me and kept us casual). I cried my heart out but after a year I picked myself up and started dating, got a job I cared about, adopted kittens, made great friends, kissed and was able to develop feelings for other man. by him leaving me, he allowed me to grow in ways I never knew I could so see it as a gift to her by breaking it off...just like I was to my him, she is a gift to you but you have to let her go now so she can find that fullfillment you will never be able to give her, dont be selfish.I also dont think you can afford to lose the comfort of the love of your family and its safety/stability at your age tbh, good luck
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