A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey All, SOME CONTEXT: My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half now. We have been long distance almost all of that time, the worst was when we were both in different countries for five months and temporarily opened our relationship (now closed). She's a college student taking a full class-load and working as a stage-manager on a play that has her working crazy hours. She spends most of her time with her two assistants, and very often they will wind up drunk after work and crashing at each others apartments.THE PROBLEM: Recently one of my girlfriend's assistants told her that he/she had a crush on her. My girlfriend shared this with me, and so I asked her what she did. She apparently told her assistant that while she did find him/her attractive and that it might work it couldn't happen because she was currently in a relationship with me. She then reassured me that she loved me very much and wanted to be with me.I called my girlfriend one morning not too long after this. She was hung over, apparently she and her assistants had been drinking after work (not uncommon) and the assistant with the crush had stayed the night in her bed. My gf has friends sleep in her bed pretty frequently, and I'm okay with this as she's done it all her life. However, the thought of her assistant getting to sleep next to her while I hundreds of miles away really upset me.After trying to cool down for a day, I told my girlfriend "I really would rather your assistant not sleep in your bed with you. I know that you wouldn't do anything with him/her, but I don't like the thought of them getting to sleep next to you while I can't. You've got a couch, maybe he/she could sleep there."My girlfriend got upset about me trying to control her, and told me that I was "asking too much."THE QUESTION: Am I being overly jealous in this situation? Am I in fact asking too much?If I'm in the right, any suggestions on how to broach the subject?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it wasn't necessarily this issue in particular, but my girlfriend and I broke up. A lot of this weirdness was caused by the distance, and that was a factor that wasn't going to change. It's a shame really, we loved each other very much.
A
female
reader, 13AF +, writes (28 March 2009):
Wow. That's pretty complicated. I don't feel you're overstepping your bounds by requesting that your girlfriend not allow this assistant to sleep in the same bed as her, because the two of you are in a committed and closed relationship. However, where it gets interesting is in the fact that you are now asking her to change a habit. Personally, I would make clear to her that this request extends to every friend that sleeps over and assure her that it isn't because you're untrusting but that you would rather be next to her than where you are now and that since you can't be there you'd like her not to fill your spot with someone else. But that's just how I'd handle it. Definitely think it through a lot before you ask anything of her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): You are not being "overly sensitive" and your issues with what happened are completely legitimate. I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for two years (we live in different countries) and if either one of us were to engage in the behavior your girlfriend behaved in, that would be the end of the relationship.
As human beings, we all have our faults and insecurities, but a long-distance relationship requires participants to be on their best behavior and to set down clearly defined borders regarding acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
You deserve a better relationship with a woman who has greater respect for your feelings and your dignity. Why tolerate this kind of nonsense from a person who lives thousands of miles away when there are plenty of attractive, available women who live close by?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): I get the sense that she is taking advantage. You say how fine it is for her to have people sleep in her bed while you are away. I find this starnge. Does this include men? I think about my relationship and I would NEVER be comfortable with that. In my opinion she is pushing you, and I can't think of any reason she would want to have a guy OR girl in her bed on a regular basis unless there was some kind of shenanigans going on!
I think you would have to be really naive to think that. Thing is, whether you are being overly sensitive or not, your girlfriend has already let you know that she doesn't respect that you are uncomfortable, and isn't opne to negotiating with you about this. So what do you do?
I think, if she has a couch and doesn't want to use it, if this person has already confessed to feelings for her, and your girlfriend has already suggested she'd be ok with it in different circumstances, then you have every right to be mad. Tell her this is a deal breaker. I would not continue to let her walk all over me like this. If she won't budge, then I think you are better off without a girl who doesn't respect you enough to keep her distance from potential love interests.
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A
male
reader, matt1993  +, writes (27 March 2009):
hmm, this is very interesting. i can see your point of being concerned about what could happen, however i also see her point.
i personally dont think it is asking too much, you arfe concerned and have placed your faith in the relationship by explaining your concerns. if this is asking too much then i think you are in the wrong relationship, you both need to find people who you can spend quality time with.
i myself have had problems seeing a partner and spending time together (only about 5 miles, nothing to your hundreds). i now am in a very close relationship with someone that i love extremely and get to see quite regularly (and she live half an hour down the road at a slow walk, rather than getting 2 buses).
just to make my advice clear, find somebody closer to where you are. if will feel bad at first but this way you both can move on an most likely be in a closer relationship.
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