A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:After waiting a fair amount of time, the guy I'm dating and I decided to have sex. I had needed to take it slow, and he had respected that, then last night we took things further. It got to the point where he was about to go inside me, but he tried to without a condom. I had to tell him no, and he stopped looking almost shocked like "really?". Why would he try without protection? We are both 21, it's not like he is young and immature - at least he shouldn't be! I just feel kind of annoyed about it. We ended up not having sex because we didn't have any condoms at the time. Now I'm questioning whether I want to at all if that's the type of person he is. Am I being over-sensitive or was he being selfish? I just don't understand why he has a complete lack of concern for consequences.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Geez…no regards for consequences!I think some men also assume that their partner will have an abortion if they get pregnant.I was very clear with my ex that if I ever got pregnant (which never happened because we were VERY careful) that I would NOT have an abortion.It is important for you to decide how you feel about abortions and to have a "what-if" conversation with your partner. Which will probably have the added bonus of making him a little more concerned with contraception!!In the meantime…definitely choose a method that works for you. I was on the pill for a while, but it made me really sick, and then I switched to the fertility awareness/symptothermal method, which I LOVE. But every couple is different and needs to determine what will work for them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): I am amazed how standards have changed since my younger years. In our time it was man's duty to get the condoms ready and it was sold only in men's barber shops.Only prostitutes kept condoms in their bags as a tool of their trade. I might be old fashioned but I think your bf is either extremely irresponsable in that he wants to put you on the family way then leave you or at best he likes you very much and he wants to trap you by getting you on the family way.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 November 2013):
 IF you had not discussed it with him prior to the act, I can see him assuming you wanted him to go "bareback".
Usually adults will discuss the birth control and disease issues before consummating the relationship.
When my now husband and I got together we both had blood work done... we showed it to each other... 6 months after we were monogamous we had it done again.
OUR doctor insisted on doing STD blood work at every check up until we were married.
Sadly in this day and age two things must be discussed before sexual activity begins...
1. birth control (pills, implant, IUD, etc)
and disease control which is LATEX condoms... sheepskin will hold back sperm but NOT all STDS...
WHY was it HIS total responsibility to bring the condoms?
Since you discussed it and it was planned... he knew... you should have asked him.. do you need me to buy the condoms... (that's a nice way to tell him that you are demanding a condom)
since you did not discuss it with him prior to the act, I think you should discuss it
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 November 2013):
 Me again.
OP, why not suggest you both go along for STD testing together? It's free and they'll also give you a supply of condoms.
You can find your nearest clinic here:
http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Sexual%20health%20information%20and%20support/LocationSearch/734
You can also discuss birth control pills/ depo injection if you're not already covered. I wouldn't rely on condoms alone, and they don't give complete protection from STDs either hence good idea for both of you to be checked out.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (18 November 2013):
 Most men will have sex without condoms unless the woman suggests it/pushes for it. Maybe they assume the woman is on contraception or maybe they are only thinking about sex at that point in time... Sounds crazy but that's men's minds. You might think this is immature at 21, wait till he is doing it at 41... Men are immature full stop lol!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Risking pregnancy and STD's isn't being over-sensitive. If he penetrated without protection, there is still danger of passing on infections; or pre-ejaculate, which can still get you pregnant.If he is so stupid as to not take precautions with you, remember he is exposing you to every other person he has had unprotected sex with in his past. Some STD's lie dormant without detection for years, and you don't know if you're pregnant until you miss a period.Don't leave using condoms up to any guy. Bring your own, or don't have unprotected sex until he gets his own. Testing positive for HIV or herpes is permanent. Becoming a parent is a huge responsibility. Most guys who don't use condoms, don't mind dumping and leaving you pregnant. That's how irresponsible they are.Depend on your own intelligence and good judgement. Never place your fate in any guy's hands. Insist on safe-sex, or no sex.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (18 November 2013):
Some guys don't care, I know it's horrible. One of my exes tried to get out of using protection, I stood my ground. He cheated and guess what he didn't use any with her either!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 Well, maybe you should have answered him, " What, do you mean you don't have condoms with you ? REALLY ? "
I mean, makes you think he's too slapdash and happy-go-lucky with his sexual life. He knew it was going to happen, maybe it was not planned for that night precisely but sooner or later it was going to happen, so , how come he does not carry condoms ? ( Although, we could say the same for you. Maybe traditionally buying condoms is/was a male thing, but , forget tradition, you are the one who could get pregnant so, make yours the boyscouts' motto and... be prepared ).
I would not be terribly hard on him, nevertheless . 21... young and horny... probably caught up in the moment, and we all know , I suppose, how at times in certain moments our mental lucidity may go AWOL and hormons try to take massively over prudence and common sense... he tried his luck. Good for you that you kept a cool head- well done.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 November 2013):
I think that the reality is that most people have sex without condoms when they know the other person. No, it doesn't make sense but it's common.
It doesn't take long to realize that condoms make sex a lot less enjoyable, and your boyfriend probably figures it's okay, he trusts you, no stds, and he'll pull out, no pregnancy.
Also, when you have a partner with her legs spread right in front of you, you often only think with your penis.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 He is not being selfish its a natural thing to want to go without the condomIs amazing and it brings to together in a more bondful moment (a condomIs there to seperate you ) However you guys are only fresh in dating the guy was just chancing his arm and ur being responsible so cudoos to you for holding out !! Are you on birth control? This is something you guys should discuss if you want to make this a long term relationship Suggest to your partner that you both get tested for stis and so you your not getting into any mess ( make sure to test for every not just a standardised one) suggest the both of you do it together so younare not hurting his feelings ( and also so you can be 100% sure he did go through the testing ) and also talk to ur doctor about a more protective birth control so you can both have sex stress free ( thats what its all about after all) DO NOT have sex with this boy without a condomUnless you are ok with the idea its your body and your health is your wealth !! If he does not want to co operate with you suggestion then henwasnt worth it anyway ! I dont see why he wouldnt be open to the idea anyway !!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2013):
 Oh! Honeypie, you say so many things I agree with that it's not funny! I also don't like the term "unwanted pregnancy", so I use the term "unexpected" or "surprise" pregnancy.
:)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2013):
I see fault in both of you here. Yes, he should have had protection. However, why did you wait until he was about to enter you before bringing it up?? You said that you slowed things down and he respected you. How many conversations could you have had about protection before last night? Easily, you could have told him during the "go it slow" conversation and the beginning of last night before any touching happened that you won't do a thing without condoms.
If you did talk to him prior and made it clear that no glove=no love and he tried it anyways, then that's a big red flag that he tried something. If you haven't brought up the subject and merely assumed that he'd use it himself when the time came, then you are as irresponsible as he is.
In a relationship, it's a big error to put responsibility for protection on someone else. We are responsible for our own, and that's that. You can't enter into it with no protection of your own and then get upset when he doesn't. You protect yourself, and he protects himself. Telling him from word go that you use condoms, no exceptions is your burden, and if you waited to bring that subject up in this relationship until the moment he was to enter you, you waited much too late. The conversation needs to be had well before the lights turn off and the breathing gets heavy and the blood rushes to the unmentionables. Period. Anything less is mutual irresponsibility.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2013):
 It can be for several reason.
1. he was caught up in the moment (however I'm not really sure that is it, since he asked you "really"?)
2. He just simply doesn't care.
3. He expects YOU to be the one taking precaution about pregnancy.
4. He's had unprotected sex before and gotten "lucky". (with that I mean not knocking up the girl)
I think you are right to question if he is someone for you. Considering how easy STD's can spread even WITH a condom, using one can seriously prevent multitudes of them. And the big plus prevent PREGNANCY.
Now here is my thing. EVERY girl should own condoms. It's not just the guys "job" to carry them. That way you know they aren't too old or full of holes (because his mate thought that was funny - or his ex was a cow) etc. Also I think EVERY girl should consider being on birth-control as well AS have their BF use a condom, because there are so many unwanted (yes, unwanted and I hate that word) children born every year because young (and some older) people just DO NOT think.
EVEN if you were on BC I would WITHOUT a doubt expect a BF to use a condom EVERY time and get tested.
You are NOT being overly sensitive.
I would however talk to him and simply ask him what the thinks about it and go from there. Could be he was in pre-coital mode (which means not thinking about anything but getting down with you).
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 November 2013):
No you're not being overly concerned.
I assume he's not a virgin? Nor you? So, really, it's obvious that he should have worn a condom. The only circumstance in which it would have been ok not to use one is if you'd both gone for STD checks beforehand and discussed birth control.
If he's happy to have unprotected sex with you, it begs the question who else he's had unprotected sex with.
But also, you should BOTH be carrying condoms if sex is on the cards. It's amazing how some men can 'forget' (because they prefer not to wear them).
Talk to him about this.
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