A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 2 years. I don’t know if this is emotional abuse or if there is something I can do to fix the problem. This morning I had gone to make a shake for him and when I poured the material inside the blender the shake spilled on the kitchen counter. I got scared immediately knowing that if he came he would be furious with me for spilling the shake. I felt my shoulders crouch inward and palpitations forming in my heart telling myself “oh no I hope he does not come before I clean this up or else he will be so angry” I quickly tried to clean it up and then he appeared and I told him immediately “sorry I apologize it was an accident and I didn’t mean to spill the shake all over the place.” And he turned around and put his hands on his head and looked as if he was about to explode. He then proceeded to yell at me at the top of his lungs and said ‘you can never do anything right, even a simple thing like this’ and I kept on saying I apologize it was an honest mistake I just filled it a little too high like you had last time. And he said in anger “I don’t need your apology I need you to start cleaning up, hurry! CLEAN UP!” Shaken up I started cleaning while I was feeling so much anxiety and as he angrily paced the kitchen and said “forget the damn shake, I am late for work, clean this mess up!” So I started just crying as I cleaned and then he looked at me and said goodbye then said “and why are you crying, then he tried to kiss me on the cheek.” He called me five minutes later but I was so shaken up I could not pick up. Then later in the day he text me and called to say that he had a low blood sugar moment and that he was sorry about it. It is not the first time this has happened he has yelled at me in outrage and anger and told me to “shut the fuck up” over simple things like not doing the laundry the way he wants it done, or accidentally pulling the blinds off because they were already broken. He tells me to "shove things up my ass" or that I am "stupid" "bitch" and calls me disrespectful to him even when I have barely said a thing to him. But whenever he makes a mistake or says something wrong to me just laughs about it and I am expected to move on with it and just not make a big deal and deal with it. And if I do make a big deal of his mistakes he just turns it around on me and gets angry with me about getting angry with him. He has so much anger but whenever I tell him he does, he says no either he blames his blood sugar being low claiming that not having eaten breakfast makes him grumpy or most of the time he says that it is my fault if I did not act in stupid ways or disrespectfully to him then he would not have to yell at me or call me names. I don’t know what to do my family and friends tell me to leave this relationship and my mom has even cried about it but I feel stuck in it because all of a sudden he will have days where he is really nice to me and I get so confused. On the days he is really nice I feel like I need him and even when he yells at me afterwards I still feel like I need him. Even though I know I should leave, physically I feel like I can't or else I will sink into major depression. His yelling has developed anxiety in me over the last two years that I never felt before in my life, and I feel depressed on many days not even knowing why. I feel so many insecurities and fear and when I confront him about this he says I need to go to therapy and deal with it.
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female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (23 October 2016):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your feedback, I really appreciate it. He is not a diabetic and has no pressing health issues, but he claims he is a different person when he is hungry. He has recently told me that he needs to also date other women because he has been going through a divorce while seeing me for two years (of which I am not sure how much of it he has been faithful) and feels that he needs to be free to date around and get it out of his system. He says if I can accept this then we can be together but he does not want me to date others or if I do then he asks that I not tell him about it or mention it to him. He yells at me if I tell him that I am going through a painful time with all he is putting me through and says that I need to be more understanding or else I will lose him. I know that this is not the right situation for me to be in but I feel helpless without him. I don't know why I feel this way. I want so deeply to listen to all of your advice and leave him but I don't know if I can do it without feeling like my life will never be whole without him. I know this sounds insane but I am going through a lot of pain.
A
female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (23 October 2016):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your feedback, I really appreciate it. He is not a diabetic and has no pressing health issues, but he claims he is a different person when he is hungry. He has recently told me that he needs to also date other women because he has been going through a divorce while seeing me for two years (of which I am not sure how much of it he has been faithful) and feels that he needs to be free to date around and get it out of his system. He says if I can accept this then we can be together but he does not want me to date others or if I do then he asks that I not tell him about it or mention it to him. He yells at me if I tell him that I am going through a painful time with all he is putting me through and says th
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2016): This is abuse pure and simple. He KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING. he isn't sorry at all. he is doing all of this on purpose to make you scared, quiet, compliant, unconfident, unhappy etc etc. Hard to believe I know because if he loves you why would he want to make you feel this way? He does and it is calculated. Please read a book called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft, an expert on the tactics of abusive men. It is a real eye opener and it will explain to you exactly what is going on in his head. Get away from him as soon and as safely as you can. Go somewhere where you will be with people who love you and will look out for you. Some abusive men get very nasty when you leave because they don't like the control being taken away from them. If he turns on the tears and appears very sorry, don't believe it for one second. It's all part of it and he will return to his horrible ways as soon as you agree to stay. Good luck and please read the book....it will empower you to understand what is going on. And also, re read your post and imagine your best friend or sister had written it. What would you say to her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2016): Definitely emotional abuse. It will turn physical. Dont wait to find out. Get away and live a normal life again. Get YOU back.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 Yes, this is most definitely abuse. You don't need to tell us this has happened many, many times already because, I'm sure, every on of us gleaned that from your reaction to the first event you described.
Think of sadistic serial killers who enjoyed torturing and killing women. If they screamed insults and obscenities at every woman they encountered, they wouldn't be able to get close enough to hurt any woman. Who'd go near them? They have to seem nice and harmless, or even helpful SOME of the time.
Your boyfriend is running the same con game. He seems nice, cheerful helpful some of the time, enough of the time to keep you second guessing yourself.
My advice, STRONG advice, speak to your mother about moving in with her for a time. Then quietly gather up your valuables while he's away at work and leave. Do not hesitate to speak to the police if you ever feel threatened. Abuse doesn't have to be physical for it to be illegal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2016): If he can act normal at work, then his health isn't an excuse. When you really can't control a reaction, that goes for where ever you are, not only certain people or places!
I think you should be cruel to him, and if he loses it and it gets physical have him arrested.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2016):
 Yes this is abuse. You are so afraid of him yelling that it's causing your body to react.
This is not healthy for you.
The pattern of abusers is that after they abuse they are nice and even apologize or give you gifts and get you to drop your guard and then POOF back to abuse.
Since your family is supportive of you leaving, go to them and ask for help. Yes it will be hard. But in the long run it will be better for you and make you stronger.
I have been both emotionally abused and physically abused (different men) and I will tell you that IMO emotional abuse is worse. You question whether it is abuse or not, you really think it's your fault (it's not) and there are no bruises or broken bones to show you that you are being abused and you wonder if it's really abuse. IT IS.
IF he hit you, would you leave? The issue is that eventually emotional abuse can (and often does) lead to physical abuse.
I strongly urge you to bite the bullet, and leave this relationship. You should seek medical and psychological support when you do.
and go NO contact with him as he will turn on the charm and try to convince you to come back. Do not fall for it.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 Hun, you need to value yourself more - get out of this abusive relationship.
Low blood sugar?? I suspect he is using this as an excuse to treat you badly.
Could you imagine yourself in say, 10 or 15 years from now? It wont get better in fact it is going to get a lot worse as time goes on.
(((hugs)))
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2016): He is not only abusing you he is bullying you too. He is an abusive person and a bully. He has found in you the perfect punch bag. Listen to your mum and friends. They want the best for you.If he is sick let him hire a nurse to look after him and charge him a packet.You deserve much better life than this and there are plenty other decent men out there who can value and appreciate you. To be honest I cant understand why you are putting up with this behavour from him
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2016): He is not only abusing you he is bullying you too. He is an abusive person and a bully. He has found in you the perfect punch bag. Listen to your mum and friends. They want the best for you.If he is sick let him find a nurse to look after him and charge him a packet.You deserve much better
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 October 2016):
 If you are walking around afraid of your partner's reaction to thing you do or do not do, then yes, it is emotional abuse. It won't get better and many times it will get worse leading to physical abuse. I lived this life. He has anger issues! He is trying to use low blood sugar as an excuse. Oh honey, don't fall for that. My advice? Get out while you can before he hurts you. No way should you be walking around in fear. Please do it before emotional abuse turns into physical abuse. Listen to your friends and family.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 October 2016):
 I don't care if he HAS a medical "excuse" this is not OK, you are walking on eggshells around him, your body acts like that of someone who is about to get his and the anxiety? OVERALL it sounds toxic and unhealthy for you.
I think if you don't leave it will only get worse. Right now you KNOW what he is doing is wrong, down the line his behavior will become the norm.
HE is not going to change and you are not going to be the "perfect" little GF who never makes mistakes.
YOU are selling your soul, piece by piece. And he is taking every little piece and stomping on it. He will eventually isolate you from your family and friends as well. Can you live happily without them?
Your family and friend LOVE you. They see what this is doing to you. They know they can't "make" you leave, YOU have to do that yourself, FOR yourself.
DO you really think you deserve the treatment he is fishing out? SO you really feel it's OK for him to do this? Low blood sugar or not? I can tell you this, it's not.
You are already depressed OP. You really think if you move out and STOP taking his shit you will become MORE depressed?
Move out, go see your doctor and deal with the depression and consider finding a therapist who can help you see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that YOU deserve better than this. YOU are in charge of how others treat you, in the sense that YOU can say, NO THAT IS NOT OK! and then walk away. By staying you are emphasising to HIM, that his behavior is OK.
YOU know what to do OP. Do it for you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2016): I suffer low blood sugar, it makes me a bit snippy. It does not make me abusive. He is abusive. Calling you names, and yelling at you are choices, he even later blames it on you, this is definitely abuse. Please call your family and get them to help you to leave and to stay way if he tries to get you back.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 Sorry for the two replies, my dog walked across my lap top
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (11 October 2016):
I take it he is perhaps diabetic? This kind of behaviour can be a result as he says low blood sugar levels. My understanding is these mood swings and bouts of anger are symptoms of the disease. How much is the disease and how much is the personality? While I empathise with his situation, given it is disease related, your health is suffering and not something worth risking. I'm no doctor but surely there is something out there available for him but until he is willing my advice is to put yourself first by leaving till he sorts it out. If at all. In the meantime sort yourself out by trying to restore to your prior self. This is no way for anyone to live. He either gets that or he doesn't. I wish you well
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (11 October 2016):
I take it he is perhaps diabetic? This kind of behaviour can be a result as he says low blood sugar levels. My understanding is these mood swings and bouts of anger are symptoms of the disease. How much is the disease and how much is the personality? Living like this would be tuff for anyone.,
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