A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel really insecure about how attracted my boyfriend is to me. We were having an conversation about how women r sexually attracted to men when they love who they are and men r sexually aroused more when the woman is "hot". This was in the context of his younger mate who is a virgin feeling sad because he hasnt had sex. I said don't worry hes a lovely guy and girls are more interested in the person, than how he looks(he's a big guy, but good looking and a lovely person). My boyfriend was saying he's really wanting to have loads of sex, because he hasnt had it yet, whereas I'm on the other end coz I dont want sex anymore. Then he was talking about how men get turned on by "hot" women, and I just felt like he doesn't find me "hot" because he doesn't get really turned on by me anymore(we've been together 2 years). It just hurt me the way he was talking about how men r only sexually attracted to hot women and I know I do not fall in that category, of what western society and lads mags/the porn industry deem to be "hot". I'm overweight, which eliminates any other attractivness I have. I am not hot and it hurts that he must not find me hot. My weight is a constant battle, and I believe, if you love someone, you love them and find them sexy no matter what, if not, find someone you do. This insecurity stems from his lack of sex drive. I feel really hurt to the core by this. I feel rejected and that he doesn't really find me sexually attractive, but that he's with me because Im a nice person and he likes my company. I know what he was saying was just joking around and being "one of the lads" but I felt really insecure after our conversation. i just get this feeling that because he has slept with lots of women who were much "hotter" than me(he has told me he's been with "Superhot" women but they were high maintenance) that hes not really bothered about making love to me, because he's been with sexy women, I'm not that much of an allure to him. The women he comments on being attractive are all really slim, modelesque types, and he comments negativly on larger ladies. Now I firmly believe each to their own, there is someone for everyone and I used to be confident in my sexyness. Sometimes Im heavier than other times, but Ive never been skinny, but been comfortable with that. I have a small waist, big hips and boobs and Im fairly pretty and used to feel confident about this. i get enough male attention to know that I am sexy and hot to some guys.He used to be really into in the 1st 6 months but for the last 20 months he just doesn seems to want sex with me, and no matter how many times we have the same conversation about how he does find me attractive etc and that he has just lost his sex drive, I just can't hep feling that it's me. If I was someone else he would be more into me.When he jokes about hating sex and that he cant be bothered, it hurts me personally. I just feel soooo insecure right now. I dont even want to face having sex with him when it will eventually happen, I just feel really awkward. He's been with beautiful women, I can't compete.We love each other, or we wouldnt have stayed together this long when Ive been going backwards and forwards to college. We get on so well sometimes, he feels like my family. Do you think I'm just being insecure or do you think hes being insensitive? When i mention that I feel insecure or upset about lack of sex, he assures me that I'm beautiful, attractive and he loves me, I'm never gonnna be a supermodel as I'm a normal person, as he is etc etc. I just wish I got the feeling that he can't wait to rip my clothes off and really fancied me, like he used to. It's as if that side of things has just vanished. I could walk round butt nakid and he would point and go oooh boobs, or not notice but he would never jump on me.I feel like he has a power over me and I hate this feeling. I love him so much but I'm just hurting so much and I dont know whos fault it is :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I think!
The thing is, whenever I ask him if the lack of desire is due to him being unattracted to me, he fervently denies this and insists that I am very attractive to him. But from the same mouth he has said that even when he's been with "superhot" women he's lost the desire to have sex with them so much after 6 months. Now I know he was just being honest, but this clearly shows that I am not in his "superhot" category. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, ok he was using this to try and assure me that his diminished sex drive is absolutly not because of my attractiveness, but he has inadvertently made me feel 10x worse about the situation, by telling me I am not "superhot" to him.
Now I have no delusions that I look like Pamela Aderson, but I'm not a beast either! I have a strong sense of my sexual alure. I am 3 and a half stone over the governments' guidelines of weight that I "should" be, and of course I do intend to lose this for my health and general wellbeing. But the point is, I believe when you are in a relationship with someone, you should give your whole self to them. They should be the only one in your eyes, or why bother being with them? If you've chosen to love someone, you should love them as you wish to be loved, as the one and only, single most beautiful, attractive person in your eyes. I know we can all apreciate a physically attractive person, but if you love someone, you think they're the single most beautiful and sexy person in the world. Well, I do. Maybe I'm just a fool. Upon reflection over my past relationships, some of them have been very attractive, and others less so(to other people/society's standards of make attractiveness) But in my eyes, when I was with and in love with that person, they were the single most attractive person to me. I saw the beauty and sexyness in each one. And I do in my current boyfriend.
It just upsets me to think he doesn't, or that he still thinks of other women as superhot, and I'm just plain old me.
As for the sex thing, I can understand his reasons for not having so much of a sex drive now. There's age, blood pressure tablets and psychological issues. But I can't help feeling hurt. Believe me I've considered leaving and I have every confidence that i could find someone who would adore my curves and want to have sex as much as I do, once or twice a day(as opposed to once or twice a fortnight).
But I love this guy. We have an emotional connection, and there are reasons I can't put into words. I just can't. I'm not that heartless. I'm extrememly loyal. When I love someone I love them and give my whole self.
I guess I just needed to vent. I will ride this out to the end reguardless.
A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (20 October 2010):
Well.............to go to your last sentence I don't think it's anyone's 'fault' but it's a situation which has arisen which you and maybe he have to deal with.He may be insensitive in the way he expresses himself but at least he seems to be being honest. And I think there is something in the idea that men get turned on by physical attractiveness whereas women can also be turned on by a man's personality / humor / intelligence.I suppose where I'm getting to is that I can't see how he can force himself to want sex with you : if he doesn't feel that attraction then he just doesn't. But there are some men who are attracted to larger ladies - you maybe just need to find one by going out more / using websites etc etc..I suggest you tell him you are going to do that - look for a man who finds you attractive and who can satisfy your sex needs. Then go and do it. It may even be that if you find a decent man who is turned on by you that the weight problem will take care of itself : you'll be too busy in the bedroom to spend so much time in the kitchen and dining room !Good luck !
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A
female
reader, marymomnwife +, writes (20 October 2010):
over time a relationship hits a snag in the sex dept. one or both r tired or there are kids or relatives up ur rear end. on my end my husband had actually got bored with sex so i got a dirty movie and offered to give him a bj. if u do that take ur time on him you 2 r the only ones in the whole world and sex was invented just so u 2 can please each other. i know that sounds corny but it worked for me.
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