A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I recently got engaged to a man that I love so dearly, and I know that he loves me too..Here's the background: it took us around 7 or 8 months before he actually committed, once he did, we were very serious and he has "never looked back"...but during those 7 or 8 months, I know that he was in contact with three girls that he had not yet made a clean break with. I don't want this to sound as though he was dating four people at the same time, him and I were literally NOTHING..not even a kiss, I just basically refused to give up. Anyways, we are engaged, and in love, and I love him dearly. I feel really insecure though, because all of those girls were really "earthy", no make up, etc. He has told me before that he wishes I didn't wear any make up, that he really prefers it..and this is what really hurts my feelings..when he says he likes it when my hair is "tangly". The reason it hurts me is because I know that two of those girls have some of that serious big curly manes. Am I being insane, or is he comparing me to an ideal that I will never be? Should I bring up that I feel compared to these other girls, or do I just sound like an insecure psycho? Thanks for your answers in advance, some days this just really gets me down.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 September 2009):
 It sounds like you're feeling insecure because he likes you exactly as you are, without having to try. I know it's a strange concept, but it means your man loves you for you, and not for your hours and hours spent on hair and makeup. You know how I know he's not comparing you actively to the other women? Because he was seeing them, but even with them available he chose YOU! Why not just try wearing no makeup and such? Don't worry about who has tanglier hair, know that he finds yours attractive. If he is making negative comments that make you feel bad though, just tell him. You're engaged now. When you're married, things will change and without active and open communication you will encounter some serious problems.
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Maybe the reason the other girls looked like that is because that is what he likes so then those are the girls he's attracted to, so if that is what he likes, then instead of worrying, just have a natural look. It's so much easier upkeep anyway! I have a "natural look" out of sheer laziness, and most of the time don't realize there is actually a name for it, but I like it this way because it is easier, and inside I feel that when someone looks at me they are seeing the real physical me, imperfections and everything. It makes me feel better to know that whatever that person is seeing is who I really am instead of something I am painting over the real me. I don't know why, but it makes me uneasy to wear make up. For some reason wearing make up reminds me of my insecurity, as if the act of putting it on is a confirmation that I am not good looking on my own... So, instead I chose not to put it on and let life unfold as is... Anyway, rambling I am... but yeah, basically I think you should try the natural look, apparently he likes it and would like to see it on you... that can't be that bad of a thing....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): If you want to have a good, sincere, honest and open relationship with him, then you can't hide behind your insecurities. You can't choose not to talk to him about an issue because you don't want to look like the person you are. If you never talk to him about it, then you will never feel ok.
YOu don't have to wear makeup and keep your hair perfect all the time. You can primp when you need to and avoid it when you don't. It would be a little materialistic to upkeep yourself constantly even when you have a man who doens't want you to.
If he likes you natural, then enjoy the fact you don't have to retouch your makeup all day. Relax. And if he still likes those other women, he would be with them and not you.
~Sy.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 He may not be aware that he's making you feel this way when he offers these types of suggestions to you. Most men don't have a clue how competitive women really are with each other, so they don't know the bells and sirens that go off when they innocently say, "I wish you're hair was more red...." or, "Have you ever thought of cutting your hair in some outrageous way?"....They are especially oblivious to the fact that we know their last girlfriend had red hair, or had a punk haircut so they're oblivious to the way we connect the dots and end up feeling bad about ourselves. You should tell him how it makes you feel. And while we're on that subject, most men really do like women with less makeup. We tend to lose sight of the whole natural thing because we grew up trying to hide that part of our face, but on some women it really is pretty sexy. You might try it now and then and see how you feel. You can always throw on a little Bare minerals, and one of the dewy blushes ever so slightly, so he just thinks you're into the natural thing. And okay, you could put away your rollers and your flat iron and let your hair air dry some week-end when you're hanging out at home watching movies. You may discover your inner bohemian and love her. Best wishes. xoxo
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