A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To make a long story short: I regrett my decision on becoming pregnant. It's been four years now and I continue to suffer my regrett. I am a single mother, went through abandonment when my child was six months old...how could he? Went through a divorce, I couldn't support the result of that pregnancy, I saw myself alone with the child, this is not how he told me it was going to be. During that divorce, I went through the fear of an unsupervised court order, I went through the tragic death of my father, I went through the pain, humiliation, mockery and belittling by my ex. I tried to make it work but I ended signing up for more emotional abuse. All this time I've been living with my mother who have helped me on everything. Although he won unsupervised visitations, he often called out, skipped on his days, until to this day disappeared. So why did he made me go through so much pain in court? What was the use? I don't struggle financially because I have a well paying full time job eversince my ex left me (thank god)But now, i think back to the time when I was not in this mess. I wish I never got pregnant. I wish I could turn back time and walked out of that relationship. I have my own apartment but I am unable to live in there alone with my son. He is an unrully child, sometimes disrespectful to me and he is just four years old. Being that he's been practically raised by my mother, all he does is ask for her sometimes rejecting me from helping him. I am sick and tired. It's a struggle when i go out shopping with him. I can't do anything in peace. This is not the life I wanted. I live angry, bitter, hopeless, I AM ANGRY because my ex ran away, leaving everything to me, he can go to sleep at any time he wants, he goes out enjoys his life and I am the one who left fucked! This is not what I wanted. I made a terrible mistake. I say it all the time. Right now I am giving a landlord over nine hundred dollars for an apartment while I am staying at my mother's house. That is senseless but I can't cope alone with my child. When I am at my apartment, it does not feel like home. I get depressed because that is not the way I wanted things to go. I won't give up the apartment just in case something happens. Where will I go with my child? I won't go into a shelter, apartments are difficult to find so that is why I spending my money. Can someone give me ideas on how to unscramble this?
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Sugarbuns said a lot of right things in her post and more kindly than I might have said them.
I would add that your son DOES know he is not wanted. He rebels and is unruly because you constantly seek your mother's help, and he senses your true feelings about him.
You have been raising him in anger and resentment. It's absolutely why he is not behaving as you would like. His grandmother accepts and loves him. He feels safe with her.
You need a lot of support and coping strategies, so regular communication with someone who can provide them in an on-going manner is a good diea.
Your first step is to ACCEPT your son and where you are in life. Accept that you are where you are meant to be. Now take the steps the rest of us adults have to and make that life as happy as it can be, for both you and your son.
Being a mother can be very rewarding. I am also a single mother. Like you, I am blessed to have healthy, beautiful child, well-paying job and family who will assist and support me. This is MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HAVE.
The fact that you are well-employed and have a supportive mother means you are not alone.
You are a grown-up, and unlike your son, have the power and control to shape yur life.
You will be happier when you embrace yourself as a mother and start living your life for your child. This doesn't mean that you have to come second all the time. This DOES mean you have to think of your son's well-being.
He is an innocent. He did not abandon you or ask to be born. He simply exists and is struggling to cope with his unhappy life as best as he can.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 First of all, you have got to stop living with REGRET. It will only paralyze you from moving forward! I was once with a man who did not want want any children. Like you, I contemplated having a child, thinking he would change. We finally agreed together to have a baby, but he was lying to me. When I got pregnant, he was so upset, and withdrew from me completely. I was so distraught, feeling like you -that I'd end up raising that child alone and would not be able to cope -- so I did the unthinkable! I had an abortion! And I have ALWAYS regretted it! But you cannot live with regret forever. It will eat you alive. You have a beautiful child, he may be difficult but he is a living, breathing little creature and even though your husband bailed out on you, you still have someone who is counting on you to pull your shit together. Children are always a bit difficult at this age. It's normal. But your son may already sense he is not wanted, or is unloved. Children are very perceptive from an early age. You have to stop this pattern of bitterness and regret! He will continue to rebell against if he feels unloved by you. Yes it is difficult, but there are so many men out there, who would love to be with you and help you raise your son. My advise is to set aside some time to spend with your friends. Maybe it's time to go out on a few dates. You may find a wonderful, caring man who will love your son like he was his own!! But for now, you must look at life through new eyes. Stop living in the past. Stop dwelling on the things that could have been. This is your life. It's time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and give it everything you got!! Don't give up! Keep your apartment. Fix it up. Decorate it, paint it (if you can); arrange it so it begins to feel like a HOME. Maybe your Mom will help you find some inexpensive things that you love and you can start filling up the space with things that reflect who you are. They say if you see yourself in a certain way, you will become that person. If you see yourself as a hopeless woman who is drowning in a sea of regret, this is how your life will be. But if you see yourself as a SURVIVOR, who is funny, artistic, and loves life, you will become that woman!! If you feel you cannot do it alone, find a good counselor and she will be worth her weight in gold if she is able to help you move past your grief and begin living again. I wish you the best!
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