A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi to the people of Dear Cupid,I have been seeing a guy for the past 4 years. We are really serious about each other. Around 6 months ago, he moved some 300 miles away for a new job. This was really important for him, as he was unemployed for ages, so to get a job offer in his field was really great for him. It left us long distance, but we always write every day, he calls me regularly and we share photos and stuff about our day too. And at some point, I plan to move to where he is.When my boyfriend was unemployed for ages, I paid for a few holidays for us. I thought nothing of it, and he still paid for what he could, although obviously it wasn't much. I even gave him money now and then if he was stuck. So now he is working full time, and we have discussed both of us really needing a break next year, he has offered to pay for a holiday for me. We decided to go for April 2016 and to stay with his relatives who live in the south of Spain and get a bit of sun. He said he would pay for my return flight and for everything I need and food etc. when I am out there (which is nothing less than what I did for him on several trips). He has now saved up a few thousand pounds so I felt ok agreeing to this, as I knew he could afford it and it felt as if he wanted to treat me back for all the times I helped him before. We agreed on dates and I agreed them with my work. He was still waiting on his work to confirm his request, but he "thought" as he hadn't heard anything to the contrary, that meant it would be ok. However, I advised him to wait, out of respect for his new job.Last week he emailed me to say he wanted to book our flights very soon before the price goes up any more than it already is. I said ok cool, it's perfect for me and my job so please go for it and he said ok, let's talk about it later this evening when I am on my break from work.So later on he emailed again and told me the price of the flights, which were a couple of hundred pounds more than he had initially told me, the reason being, he wants to use a different airline to fit in with his shifts. So it would have originally cost £300 for both our flights, but now would cost £550. I said well ok, the dates are still fine for me, but it seems expensive. But at the end of the day, I have spent over £1,000 on his flights and holidays etc. so I thought it would be ok. He said how about I book MY flight and then you can decide what you want to do and if the dates are ok when you come see me for New Year? Or I book your flight out there and you can think about when you want to come back?I said well the dates are absolutely fine and you can go ahead and book them for me. It was late and I was tired when we were discussing it and it really felt as if he was trying to get out of paying it all somehow.The next day I emailed him and said please don't book flights for me, it feels as if you don't want to, otherwise why did you point out the price to me? I have told you the dates are fine. That I felt unhappy that he was telling me to wait and decide when I had already said those dates are perfect. Why couldn't he just book it if he already had the dates? And that he really ought to wait for his own employer to confirm. That I felt unsure of how he valued me by stalling on the booking, and that love would not name the price. He chose the airline, he should get on with it. I also reminded him of the MANY occasions I paid for his trips when he had no work and never expected the money back. That I felt as if he did not value me by stalling. That I was no longer sure about where the relationship was headed if he would stall on this when in the past, I had helped him financially without question.The following day I received an abusive email from him, telling me I was overreacting, obsessed with money and a stupid idiot, that he planned to pay for me "all along". But if that was the case, why didn't he just get on with it and sort out my flights without asking me to wait?He also pointed out in his reply that he had already booked HIS flights.I feel gutted and insulted. I really don't know what to do.The relationship had its little niggles and issues, I guess all relationships do though. But did I overreact? I just don't understand why he asked me to wait, to think about it, when I had specifically said yes those dates are fine.Also, as an aside, he has always had a bit of a "wandering eye", staring at other women when we are together. This was really bad when I last drove to see him in September, and I felt hurt by him doing the head swivel move a LOT, even though we hadn't seen each other in ages. He did it a lot more than usual, and I had to ask myself, was he just being a "typical insensitive bloke" or even doing it on purpose to make me feel insecure?After what has happened with these flights, it feels as if there is no relationship and I have heard nothing from him since his angry response.What should I do?
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a break, insecure, long distance, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 December 2015):
 What a f**king cheapskate. You can do better than this cretin....
Good luck..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): I see why you are feeling the way you do. I also tend to wonder about hidden motives. In the end, however, yes, I do think you overreacted in your email the next day. Trust me I've learned this the hard way, but you should have just been more emphatic with the actions (that the dates are good and have him book it) rather than second guess yourself.Afterwards you can discuss with him how you felt, emphasis on "felt" without putting your assumptions about the hidden motives on him. He can explain then.I also believe that he also overreacted in his email. He should not be abusing you or calling you names. That was wrong of him. Especially since you had legitimate concerns.If you're going to stay together (big IF) then practically speaking you both need to work on communication skills. The thing about swiveling heads... All guys look (unfortunately). Some more obviously than others. Some more obnoxiously or rudely. Can't change that in a man, period. If your guy is the obnoxious rude looker and you don't like it, then you may need to get out of there. Trust me, there are guys who are more respectful and care about your feelings.But only you know what you want in a relationship and whether this incident is the deal breaker. If you stay, you have to work on communication and have a heart to heart about the relationship, expectations and boundaries. If he continues to be rude and abusive in language, then I'd say leave him if he can't work on it and it's not worth it to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): Well. When I read your post I felt I could have almost (almost) written something similar myself. I bent over backwards to help a guy I was very emotionally involved with - we were also long distance. I travelled (and obviously paid the cost of that) to see him as he was in debt and was trying to dig himself out of it. It was debt he had created - i.e. it was not as a result of being unemployed. However being kind hearted I did everything I could. I lent him money. Gave him money. Paid for meals out and a mini break (as otherwise we would not go anywhere or do anything). During this time he too had his head on a swivel. Oh yes. I even paid for a meal and the cinema and he spent the whole meal time looking up at every blonde that went past the table. To add insult to injury he couldn't drive and didn't own a car - so again it was up to me to drive him to places. What I learned from all this was that actually the problem was mine. It was a hard hard lesson in the end. I was kind to a fault and I 'loved him too much' in that I was overlooking the issues in a bid to keep the relationship alive. He didn't treat me right and I was making up the shortfall. In your case, his true colours have magnificently shown themselves in an abusive email. The minute you have called him on his poor attitude he has spat his dummy out. Actually he is being abusive. Look at the reality. You supported him. It was one way. He moves with a job and you are second place. He ogles women in your company and yet gives you crumbs of attention in between visits that you make to see him. You were generous in paying for things for him (which he quickly accepted) but the minute he has to make an effort with you?... not so good. I am sorry to be harsh but I personally think you have had a lucky escape. Better to find this out about him now than uproot yourself to go and live with him - where it suits him. Give up your own stability to make his life easier. Please don't. Take a step back and see how he has been the focus of your attention for too long. It is time you spent time on yourself. When I get bitter about the money I spent on my previous relationship I say to myself - you learned that you are a kind person but now you know you will never allow someone to take advantage of that better nature again. He is being abusive now to try and put you in your place - calling you names is unacceptable. He wants you to weaken. Be strong and walk away from this mess.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (23 December 2015):
Sorry but I think you’re being a bit dramatic. I don’t know why he asked you to wait and think about the flights, but he hadn’t indicated at any point that he did not wish to pay. Perhaps you both go about organising things in a different way. Perhaps he should have just asked if you were absolutely sure, but this was his courteous way of giving you some time because perhaps he felt he’d rushed you in to a decision by changing the plans. It’s certainly something you could have asked him about rather than losing it like that. As for the staring, why have you lumped this grievance in to a gripe about money?
It seems to me that your communication with this guy is not good. Perhaps long-distance doesn’t work for you, but I would certainly call him and acknowledge that you did overreact, apologise and explain that you were confused by his delaying your flight booking when you had said yes. Listen to his side of the story. I would also think about what is driving your insecurity and oversensitivity. You say that you feel there is no relationship because you’ve not heard from him since he responded to your email, but then you were the one who was out of order. Maybe he’s waiting for you to make the first move. Either you want to make this work or you don’t, but if you do I’d start with a call to apologise.
I wish you all the very best.
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