A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm looking for some objective advice. I am in my third year at university and I was living at home with my mum and sister. I had a boyfriend who used to stay over a lot but my mum didn't really like it, partly because he was unemployed. I now have another boyfriend and I think he should be able to stay over as well but my mum now says No! So I arranged my own flat but it's expensive and now i'm broke and I have gone into my overdraft and my mobile phone bill got so high O2 cut me off.My new boyfriend doesn't work much but is going to try and go to college this year and my mum thinks he should try harder to get a job. The problem is that my mum has recently become unwell and the doctor thinks she has multiple scleroris and she has lost her job but is trying to go back to work so she is on a lower income now. She is a single parent and she brought us up on he own after my dad was violent to her.I have been staying at home the last few days and she has put a bar on the phone because the bill was too high and she found my boyfriend's number on there so I had to pay for some of the calls. The calls to landlines in London are free and this morning I went into her room and woke her up to take the bar off the phone so I could call my boyfriend and she got angry and said I was being selfish and inconsiderate. I am sooooo mad .. I sent her a text later saying 'well done, you have just driven away your daughter now who do you have?'. Why is she being like this? I don't see why my new boyfriend can't stay over? She says it is not good example for my younger sister who is 18. My Grandad lent me £300 so I could have some extra money over Christmas but they are now all asking why my boyfriend doesn't help out. My mum said she is trying her best and she bought me a kettle for my flat and gave me some money when she could and she got me a pay as you go mobile and put some credit on it so I could have a phone whilst my other phone is cut off. I have a saturday job and I get a student loan and my grandparents give me £35 a week now they are all saying that cos I'm 22 I should be more independent and work more because I reduced my college hours to part time.I feel got at. Why are they being like this? My mum says I have to respect her house and she can't have guys staying over there and also she gets annoyed cos she says when I come in late I make noise and wake her up and she is not getting sleep and it is making her headaches worse. I am sooooo furious with my mum. She wanted me to be here at Christmas then got annoyed cos I was out all the time with my boyfriend and she cooked Christmas dinner for us all and she is usually a generous supportive person. She says I am welcome to be at home but I have to observe some rules otherwise I should go back to my flat and then come home when I am ready to spend quality time with her. She has worked hard all her life and she studied for a degree when we were small too so she is not a bad person but I think she is being selfish. Can anyone think why she might be being so horrible to me? Cheers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Out of curiosity, why did you cut back your university course to part time, if not to work more hours? Friends that attend university part time are generally on one day release- thus working four day weeks.On the one hand you say you have received some coursework back at 70% and above, whilst on the other hand you are heading towards dropping out of uni as well as getting yourself a very poor credit rating!What is it that you want out of life? -and does your current partner share your ideals?Unfortunately the grades received for your coursework /exams do no alleviate your from the obligation to treat your mother like another human being. Quite the opposite, good grades insinuate that YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.Please read the posts again. You may want to rethink your behaviour with a little more urgency and to show a smidge more remorse. Your behaviour was bad enough to lead people to doubt whether your post could even be genuine.And that was only your version of the events.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (10 January 2010):
 Well I am glad you are going to spend some time in introspection - hopefully you will gain a clearer picture of yourself by doing so.
However, you also need to stop blaming your mum for now not setting boundaries. If she did not before, she has set them now - so abide by them - end of story. Irrespective, at 22, you should be mature enough to set your own boundaries on your own behavior without requiring someone else to monitor and pull you up on your short comings. It is called beng an adult!
That is one of the things about becoming an adult too, ... you get to decide regardless of all influence who YOU want to be. It is up to you now to CHOOSE to do the right thing by others, to make you own way in the world, to show gratitude for those who help you in your journey.
So now you are gunna be a 'big person', ... How about breakfast and a cuppa in bed for mum huh? Wont kill ya, wont cost ya, but will be a good initial step in showing some consideration for another, and appreciation for a mother who you know has been big enough and strong enough to look after you and our siblings all by herself. Your mum is not well now, cherish your time together, and start by repaying some of the love and compassion she has shown to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): Hello. This is the poster here. Why do some of you think this is a joke. It's not a joke. It's a true post. I take on board some of your comments but I just think my mum can be too rigid but I just want to say she IS a good person and I agree that some of the things I have done have been inconsiderate, like letting my BF call the housephone at midnight and stuff. I spoke to my sister today and she said she agrees with a lot of the stuff our mum says and my nan says I am being influenced by my BF but my grandad says I am 22 and should be able to think for myself. I can see their point about some things. I have a first class degree so far from london university in english and I do want to finish it. My mum did a degree and a masters while she was bringing me up and she got a good job as a result so she wants my sister and me to be educated as well because she thinks it will give us more opportunities. I do well at my studies but she says my weak area is boyfriends. I just think my mum didn't set boundaries because she let me ex BF stay and now she is saying no more. Thank you for your answers I will have to go away and think about myself now I suppose. Maybe I have been a bit selfish and unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (9 January 2010):
 I am guessing this is a joke, as there's no way someone of 22 would be so ungrateful and worse have no shame in publicly admitting it?! If it isn't a joke, my advise is get some perspective. i'm in a similar position, I used to live with my boyfriend. We split up and in my final year of uni i've just had to move back home into a small house with my mum who says the exact things yours does. The difference? At 23 I'm grateful I've been given a roof over my head and in spite of the fact my mum's skint she does her best. At the end of the day love it's her house, you are an adult and your loan is there to support you. My mum isn't even ill and I would hate myself if I treated her the way you treat your mum. I get annoyed living at home but it's called life. Bite your tongue and see stuff from her angle. Grow up.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (9 January 2010):
I think we are being Punk'd. There is no way a person this inconsiderate could exist. It must be a prank.
But in case it isn't, I just hope that you understand just how lucky you are to have a mother as wonderful as this. You must apologise to her for your behaviour and put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if it was YOUR adult daughter and she acted this way? Selfish with a loser boyfriend to match? Poor mother.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (9 January 2010):
 I read this a couple of times, and to be honest it sounds like you are a spoilt brat who needs to grow up!
Your mother has obviously bent over backwards to help you and support you, buying you things, helping you out, even when SHE has lost her job, and is probably facing a really nasty illness. She still puts you first.
All you can do is think about yourself! "Oh woe is me - she wont let my BF stay over" .... well to be honest, if your boyfriend is a lazy sod, and wont get a job she is wary of letting him stay over whilst SHE has to pick up the bill. Obviously you wouldnt offer to chip in with the household bills?
You moan that you got an expensive flat, and now have no money, an overdraft? This is REAL LIFE. Being an adult is not all fun and games. There are bills to pay - woo! Adults dont get to go out every night of the week and on shopping trips at the weekends. We just dont have the money!. Being a uni student is all well and good - I wonder how much money you spend on a night out with your friends? How much do you spend on alcohol? Would that help towards clearing your overdraft? Oh yes - but you dont want to give up having fun do you? No. you just expect your grandparents to loan you money.
As for the mobile phone - im sorry, but that is just plain childish. IF you cannot be mature enough to monitor your own phone use, then at 22, you really shouldnt have a mobile phone at all. Your mother was really lovely and caring in buying you a pay-as-you-go phone - can you not see she was helping you get out of your debt situation?? No., all you can see is her being selfish. You had your phone cut off, then proceed to go and run up large bills on HER landline. Would you have offered to pay for those, or just expect dear old mummy to pick up the bill???
As for working and part time study. You need to stop being lazy and get into the real world. YOu moan about having no money, so go and get another job and work more hours. Its very very simple. But you cant be bothered right? You would prefer to spend it with your boyfriend and get mum and the grandparents to bail you out?
I am 26, I live at home with my mum. I accept that I have to live by certain rules, and whilst I may not like them sometimes, I respect them. I am also a postgraduate student working part time towards a PhD - BUT I also work the rest of the week and weekends to bring in money. I work my backside off in order to help pay the bills, I buy food, I contribute to the household. I am very lucky that my mum is there to support me while I study, and I am very grateful to her for that. If I had to fund a flat of my own and bills, I couldnt afford to be learning and furthering my career opportunities at the same time. Its very simple - its about working together.
As I see it, you are being exceptionally selfish, and you really cannot see how lucky you are. You want everything to be given to you on a plate, money, work, a good lifestyle.
What do you actually do with your time?
How much Uni work do you actually do?
If you carry on like you are then you wont finish University, because you wont have put the work in. You will be too concerned about hanging out with your boyfriend.
Get a grip and grow up.
At the moment you are acting like a spoilt teenager.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (9 January 2010):
Are you for real?
Your 22, your grandparents give you money, your mum gives you money, gets you a pre paid phone and household items, you blow your family off for X mas dinner, and you are dirty because your mum is trying to keep a lid on the phone bill, does not want your latest boyfriend also using her place as a crash pad, and does not want the symptoms of her medical condition exacerbated by you being inconsiderate when coming home.
Grow up, stop being so selfish and immature, take responsibility for your own life, start working more, stop sponging of others, and have some consideration for the mother that has raised and supported you. You should be trying to help her, not exploit her.
I cant believe anyone can be so unaware of themselves. Everything you think about your mother, is what you should be thinking about yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Did I understand correctly that your mum cooked you xmas dinner and you didn't even bother to stay around for it because you were out with your boyfriend?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): I'm glad the other aunts are echoing what I feel. It really upset me to read this post as it made me so cross that you actually think it's acceptable to behave like this. I feel so sorry for your mother. She is ill, she is trying to run the house, she even cooked xmas lunch and you did nothing to help? You just seem to use her as and when it's ok for you. If you can't afford your flat do something about it. Don't make your mum's life a misery. She needs support not a temperamental teenager.....oh hold on, you're 22.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): From an outsider's view, I do not think she is being selfish at all, and what you perceive as being horrible is simply that she is telling you things that you don't want to hear.
I'm not sure where to start really, because actually reading your post made me really angry at your attitude towards your mum. You don't seem to want to take responsibility for anything and then blame her when she doesn't let you have things the way you want them.
Firstly, you don't seem to care if your mother is ill. You seem more bothered about being able to phone your boyfriend on your mother's phone. Fine, your mobile is cut off because your bills got too high. Then it is up to you to find an alternative. Go the library and use skype or something. They have free computers there. Knowing that your mother may have multiple sclerosis, which, incase you don't know, is a serious condition, you nevertheless seem completely oblivious to what she has to deal with and are more bothered about your own social life. This attitude really upsets me. You yourself say she is not a bad person. So why do you treat her like some sort of accessory who you are not bothered about unless she can do something for you?
If you are only a part time student, why do you only have a weekend job? I know plenty of people who study part-time and work almost full time. How do you expect things are going to be paid for if you don't work? I expect you think that someone will bail you out. Well at your age you need to take responsibility. And getting your own flat so that your bf can stay over seems really quite childish and churlish to me. Did you actually think through how you were going to pay for it before you took it on? At your age that is just ridiculous. You need to take responsibility and not just maek excuses and rely on other people.
The bit that made me almost laught because it was just so petty, spiteful and immature, was that, at the age of 22 you texted your mother saying 'well done, you have just driven away your daughter now who do you have?'At 22 years old! And because she called you selfish after you woke her up to call your bf after she had to bar the phone because of your calls. That is what a 13 yeaold- and a very childish one at that- might do. Do you not think it was selfish of you? You actually think you have a right to treat your mother like that.
If I were you, I would ask myself why would your mother not want to drive you away. From your post you sound like all you do is take, take, take and then have a temper tantrum when you don't get your own way. Why on earth would your mother want you around if you behave like this? She would probably be better off without you not draining her resources financially and emotionally. Do you ever do anythingto help her out? Do you ever sit back and appreciate what she's done for you over the years? Or is it all about you, you, you, because that's what comes across here.
You need to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions. If you don't like the way you mum behaves towards you get a job and move out. You are 22 not 12. You should be independent. She is right. If you want to live in her house, you need to respect her rules, especially at your age. What's wrong with that? "I'm sooooo furious with my mum." Why? Because she doesn't want you to treat her house like a hotel and wants to be able to sleep at night without getting woken up? Have a good look at yourself. And try and realise that the whole world doesn't revolve around you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): your either a child or a adult you cant be both.
If you want to move out and live on your own, then yes your boyfriend should get a job and help out. Its only fair if he is staying there and eating your food and water and electric.
If you want to stay at home, then you must respect your mums decisions. I am 21 and i still havent had my boyfriend stay over. I asked once and my mum said she was uncomfortable with it and i havent asked since.
As for going out all the time over christmas to spend it with your boyfriend i think thats selfish. as you said your mum is ill, and you let her cook the christmas dinner, my mums fine had a week of work over christmas but i still helped cook dinner!
I think you need to have a good long think about how you treat your mother.
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