A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Recently I figured I really need to break up with my boyfriend. We've been in a long distance relationship from the start, and although I've been able to handle it quite well so far, lately it's really been getting into me. We have been together for over 4 months, and I've been coming to see him as much as possible. Everything was really great at the start, I was actually feeling like I was in love, but everytime I got back I felt quite miserable and not able to enjoy life as much as I should. Then my feelings for him kept changing and in the end I just didn't know what it was that I was feeling for him.To sum things up, he's a really great caring and loving guy, but I just don't feel happy in this relationship anymore. I blame myself for that, because he has done nothing wrong and has always been there for me but I really can't be in a long distance relationship right now. I can't handle feeling miserable each time I'm away and even fail at my studies. I've talked to him about it before, but he kept looking down and I even noticed him crying at some point. It killed me to see him like this, as I really care about him. He says he doesn't want to lose me and doesn't know if he'll ever get over me. He's very sensitive and I'm his first girlfriend, but I feel like the right thing to do is to break up, otherwise I'll just be feeling miserable all the time.Is there any way I can break it off with him without hurting his feelings so much? How should I do this? Please help, it's the first time I'm breaking up with someone and I have no idea what I could do..
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 January 2010):
I know he's not like that now, my point was that my ex BECAME like that because he thought it was the best way to stop me from dumping him once he knew I was unhappy.
As for your boyfriend, You don't say how old you are but it says 18 to 21 so I'll assume he's the same.
He's a big boy now, and yes his parents moved house but he can can go and have a weekend at one of their houses, he can look after himself. He's not going to go through his whole life never being dumped, and it's not your job to protect him from it.
It's SO hard to break up with someone for the first time, but it's like the feeling of patting down that wax strip on your bikini line. It's gooey and it's not nice when you know what's coming next, but you just have to take a breath and rip it off.
Phone him and tell him that you have been giving it so much thought but you just can't go on like this and you need to end it now before it gets too much. Tell him you are sorry and it's not anything he's done, but you can't stay with him just to stop him from being upset for a week.
He will get over you. You are not his one true love. There are going to be a hundred other women in his life, and you are just the first. Set him free so he can find a nice girl near where he lives.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers.
Emilysanswers, I know I should talk to him honestly, it's just that, never having done the break up thing before, it seems way too hard to deal with.
Thing is, he hasn't been forbidding him from going out or anything while I'm away. I always tell him when I'm about to go out, because I don't like hiding things for him, and he says that I'm free to go out without him since he trusts me. So that's another reason why I feel terribly guilty for wanting to break up with him...I mean, he has been nothing but a great boyfriend, but I just can't deal with this right now.
He also is a bit of a loner, he doesn't really have many friends. He lost his friends when he and his family moved. So I'm also afraid he might break down completely if I break up with him...
Any more help when it comes to this, please..?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 January 2010):
I'm a bit of a long distance expert. Not through choice! It's a horrible horrible place to be.
My first boyfriend was just like yours. So I stayed with him, and stayed miserable, and tried to tell him how I felt but that just made things worse as he then knew I wasn't happy and became really possessive and insecure and wanted to tell me (from 100 miles away) that I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends and had to stay in my room alone for a night, and he would call me at random to check.
In the end I felt so trapped and miserable and resented him so much that when a nice guy DID start being nice to me I get all mental about it, assumed I was really in love with him instead and then got all high and mighty and made myself out to be a complete victim in the whole thing and told everyone how mean my boyfriend was being to try and justify wanting to cheat with new guy. New guy thought I was a massive drama queen and stopped calling. To be fair he was right.
What I should have done is what I'm going to tell you to do.
Do the adult thing. Tell your boyfriend that you are really sorry and it's not his fault but it's just too much. It's not your fault that you can't cope with this. Distance is enough to end marriages so there is no shame in ending things in a nice way while you are still on good terms.
Yes it will hurt him. Yes he will cry. But after you've hung up and he's been out with his mates and had a bit of a mope about he will get over it and move on.
So will you.
Just be calm and factual and stick to your decision. It's too much to handle and it's affecting your life and you are sorry but this is it.
DO NOT give into his pleas and stay with him because you'll both suffer and it will still end, just in a horrible way in a months time.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 whatever and however you break up with this man he will be hurt and there is no right or wrong way to do it, just do it sooner rather than later, be honest without being hurtful, just let him know that your feelings have changed and that you wish him well, and then leave him alone.
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