A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hey all i really need advice. this is quite long so forgive me and hopefully you may help me.last year i split with my long term boyfriend-we were dating for 7 years and during that time he was emotionally and on 2 occasions physically abusive. by the end of my relationship i was financially and emotionally at rock bottom. he had drained me of any self worth and i had to enrol on a debt programme which has made me feel worthless. i used to give this guy practically everything and even at the end when he knew i was on the verge of bankruptcy wouldnt help. so we split and because i was in such a bad way i even kept paying his rent for all of last year and when i finally gathered the confidence to stop then came the flood of abusive texts etc. i know im well rid of him.so comes last november and this guy started my job. i cant explain it but from day one i was seriously attracted to him. after everything i wasnt looking for anyone but it was like an explosion i had such powerful feelings for him and couldnt explain why. so we had some coffees after work etc and gradually became good friends. hes confided in me loads-he knows nothiing about my situation at all. he told me his wife cheated on him last year he told me he has 4 kids etc. he told me some other stuff which could well be true but for some reason doesnt sound right like he has lots of savings and he owns 3 properties. at the moment hes living with his first ex's sister (theyre still friends) and hes just sold his last housewith his current ex but says the moneys being held by his solicitor-this has been for 4 months ? the only reason i mention it is because the other week i could tell he was short of cash and offered him 50 quid til payday which i never asked for back. the properties he owns are abroad so i cant even prove he owns them. i know i sound weird but i suppose im panicking that im being lied to. when im with him we really get on well-ive got him throgh all of his work exams-he says he owes me a lot and he says he trusts me a lot-why is he saying all this. we have very intense conversations but he still knows nothing of my feelings towards him. he knows i adore him and always will but i cant help thinking hes hiding stuff from me. he says he has a big place for me in his heart but i remember when we first met he was in bits and fragile. the difference in him now is amazing. im worried about the future i do have major feeling for him but theres a lot of red flags and he knows nothing of my situation so that would worry me him finding out. so whats going to happen ? does he have feelings for me-am i just a guillable fool can anyone please advice me thankyou
View related questions:
bankrupt, confidence, debt, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): You have already answered your own question.
A
female
reader, rainbowmaker +, writes (8 May 2010):
 First of all, i really feel for you. i was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. Congratulations for finally finding the courage and strength to leave that part of your life behind.
Second, your not a fool but i do think there is something odd about this guy. Please do me a favour....stop throwing your money at people! Your not a bank so stop acting like one. Some of the things you say about this guy sound really dodgy. I know you are really attracted to him but there are plenty of other guys out there. Can you not just carry on being his friend, at least until you suss out if you can trust him or not?
The other thing is i dont understand why him knowing about your past would be a problem other than if he IS a liar he may see you as an easy target. On the other hand if he is being honest with you then i dont see why your past should bother him, your not damaged goods you know.
Personally i would stop thinking about this guy so much romantically and focus on you for a while. You owe to yourself, dont ya think? All the best love!
...............................
A
female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 You have already answered your own question with your comment "there are lots of red flags." Trust your gut. You already know that you are prone to these sorts of guys from your last 7 year relationship - step away from this one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Xtina356 +, writes (8 May 2010):
You are just getting out of a long relationship in which the man you were with not only emotionally and physically abused you, he used you like a personal savings account for a year after you broke up.
A relationship should be give and take, but you should never give more than you have to someone else. You always have to think of yourself first when it comes to finances. You can love someone without footing the bill for someone. So now it's recovery time. Both financially and emotionally. This starts by breaking the cycle.
I know you say you have feelings for this man that you just met. But you really don't know him that well and his story does sound a little fishy. That's not to say it's untrue. It just sounds really fishy. For example, if he is so well off and owns all of these properties, why does he need to live with his ex's sister? Friends? His ex's sister thinks higher of him than her own sister? If he has all this money, why is he asking to borrow from you and not even bother to pay you back? That is really showing poor character.
He has 4 kids. That is a lot of baggage. Do you really want that? Remember, you date the dad, the kids are part of the package even if they don't live with him. His money is going to them and with 4, a lot of money is going to them.
Given your current financial situation, you are in no position to lend anyone money or take care of anyone else. You need to put yourself first and believe that you don't need to pay for a relationship. Your payment to your partner is with your time and company. Not with money.
If others get defensive and verbally abusive to you for not paying their way, then guess what...they are jerks. Say no! Put yourself first and protect yourself and your interests. I know the heart wants what the heart wants, but it shouldn't be at your personal expense. A good, healthy relationship will make you better not drag you down.
...............................
|
