A
female
age
41-50,
*manahole
writes:Here is my agony. I was in a long-term relationship with my partner for six years, when I met a girl online that I developed a great friendship with, after about 15 months of corresponding daily we started developing feelings for one another. These feelings developed to the point where I didn't feel comfortable in my current relationship anymore and broke it off. When I asked her about it, she says she is in love with me and wants to be with me. The object on my affection was also in a long-term relationship, which she always said she wanted out of. So after I broke up with my partner, she started the breakup process with her partner. The problem is that the breakup is still going on 8 weeks later. They are still sharing a home and a bed (there is a guest room in their house). They are going to counseling to split on amicable terms. I am very uncomfortable with their sleeping situation, and I have made this known. But the object of my affection says that her therapist said "if it doesn't make you really uncomfortable, it is something that you can offer to her for comfort". I have never heard of a therapist recommending that exes share a bed. Does anyone thing this is an acceptable situation?My second gripe is about contact with me. Her therapist says that she shouldn't rub her contact with me in the exes face. So her solution is to not talk or text me when the exes is home. Which is every night and all weekend. I have asked for her to take a 30-minute walk to check in with me on the weekends, to which her reply was: "she will know. I never leave the house on my own". Is it too much to ask to ask for an hour a weekend to touch base with the person that you say you are in love with?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2011):
 something is not right... even when I was married and seeing my current partner I made time for him even if was private emails from work..
IF they have children together or own property together or have co-mingled funds etc... it could be a bit of time to extract... but if not.. it should be over and done...
I have a marriage that is ending due to another relationship and he moved out in March... we are not divorced but we are not a couple anymore either.
IF the partner you want is NOT making time for you... rethink this. have you MET the online girl?
A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Hello, I have read your situation and my impression is that she is having an affair with you. I don't know why, but I just get the feeling that she has no intention of breaking up with her partner Nor, that her partner has any idea that their relationship is over or finishing. This explains why she doesn't text or talk and the 30 minute. Also, sharing the bed is a nightmare. It is a cruel way of breaking up with someone. Awful. No, I'm sorry, I do not believe this lady has any intention of leaving her partner for you and I believe she is playing out an affair with you which she will keep stringing along. She has a golden excuse because she can always refer back to what this "therapist" says. So, to sum up I think you are in a very worrying position and that you may get hurt here. Hope i helped a little.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Something does not sound right about this situation. I am not sure exactly what, and I don't want to plant any seeds of doubt where none should be, but I feel there are red flags here.
First of all, I have NEVER heard of going to counseling to figure out how to amicably end a relationship. A marriage? Sure. But not a regular relationship.
Also, I live by the rule that actions speak louder than words. To me, that is not just some cliche that you throw out. It means everything. And his actions do not match up with his words.
One question I have is what proof do you have that he is telling you the whole truth about the status of their relationship, living situation, and supposed counseling? Without any concrete proof (and that means something more than just his words) you must prepare yourself for the possibility that he has simply lied to you about his situation.
Again, my main reason for saying this is that I just don't understand any aspect of counseling for a separation. When you realize a relationship is not going to work out, you break up. Now that may take time and even be messy, but going to counseling for this is just absurd. And to me seems very fishy.
I can say from experience that starting a relationship with someone who still lives with their ex is like laying in a pit of vipers. You are asking to get bit. I have been there, and know that it is unhealthy at the least, and often does not end how you thought it would.
When you break up with someone, you are choosing to end certain natural aspects of a relationship. You should no longer be looking to that person for comforting. There should be a clear separation of personal business, especially if either person is actually beginning a relationship with someone else.
These are all warning signs that you should take heed of. And I don't think discussing these things with him will necessarily help, as you are not likely to get helpful or completely truthful answers given his situation.
Take this as a chance to guard yourself from possibly getting hurt. You don't have to give him any ultimatum, but you can step back a bit in your emotional attachment. It would only help as you attempt to sort out what is really happening.
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