A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if I'm being completely pathetic or not about this situation so I think you in advance for any views on this matterI'm married to a man and we have 1 child together we both have 2 older children from previous marriages, my hb was the one to leave his wife (not for me but an affair with someone) and he has felt bad ever since.... He has a fantastic job earning lots of money but despite this we have virtually none left after the bills are paid... The reason being is he pays his wife child maintenance (set by the CSA) spousal maintenance set by a court order and pay for half the children's school fees (his choice as he said there school work shouldn't suffer because he's selfish) I whole heartily agree (mine go to normal state school) but I have to be honest it's really at the determent of me and my kids because despite me working full time we only just keep our heads above water... Earlier this year we took a break to Spain to see my mum, I hadn't seen her for a while.. We drove down there as we couldn't afford to fly, my hb offered to take his kids too but the ex said no as she didn't want them to miss any schooling... So my hb decided he'd take them on holiday now, they flew there and are staying with my mum (we are all at home) I spoke to my mum today and she's said he's taken them out for lunch and dinner every night despite my mum being more than happy to cook for them or him cook.... We've been there together before and I've seen him help himself and cook for the kids so it's not cause he's not wanting to seem rude.... I checked our credit card and in just 5 days he's run up nearly £500 , I'm so upset... I've taken 3 weeks off work to be with the children but we literally can't afford to so anything aside from parks and long walks, he's been to a water park and go karting... This week I had to sell stuff on eBay to buy the kids some swimwear! My mum says to let it go over my head and don't ruin his holiday but I feel so angry with him... I did briefly say something on Skype and he shut me down saying I'm with my children on holiday would you like to see us sat in watching telly?? Right now I feel like telling him to f-off my and my kid life's be more easier and I'd be less poor being a single parent! I know many of you will say he's just being a good parent and he is but is he being a good parent or husband because he's feeling entirely guilty about putting himself first for years and sitting up there family. His ex doesn't work and got to keep a £400k house the 90k in savings they had together so my husband could get off the mortgage and again she would leave his pensions... He validates this by saying she may have the money but I have him (and our daughter gets to see her dad every day unlike the other kids) and a happy family... Starting to feel like she's got the best end of the stick!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 Female anon, if the OP was a single mum on benefits, for the equivalent of 550 euros monthly, she could not / would not even DREAM of flying to Spain, trips to Asia, theme parks, private schools, or anything else which she - very naturally - aspires to , for herself and her children . She would call herself lucky to provide semi-decently for the very basics : bills, food, a very spare wardrobe .
She is obviously talking about a whole different standard of living, and level of consumption. Not the lifestyle of the rich and the famous , obviously, yet a comfortable middle class standard of living, which of course is outside the reach of single moms on benefits, ... or of anybody who can only count on 600 £ a month to get by.
In UK things may be different ( although I strongly doubt it, since the cost of living is HIGHER than in my country - and sensibly higher than the UE average ), but here the poverty line is calculated at around 8500 euros yearly, something like that, so yes, no way that a person can live decorously, forget comfortably, on 550 euros a month. Particularly if
it had to include rent or mortgage !
Anyway, as I suggested earlier, the OP could always make an experiment, - even if only for one month. She could try to live on her earnings only, providing completely for herself and HER 2.5 children, and her share of mortgage - and see if after all she really likes it better and finds it more convenient then the current husband- subsidized arrangement ....
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (7 August 2014):
I think a lot of people will disagree with this, but why don't you just start doing the same as he is? Speaking to him about it obviously doesn't work, since he's over in Spain spending money you can't afford. So why don't you do the same? I'm not suggesting you go mad and run up loads of debts or anything, but use the credit card to treat your own kids for once and let him worry about the practicalities of it for a change?
It seems that he's happy for you to sit at home on your holiday but he's not willing to do the same. A taste of his own medicine might make him realise how you feel. For what it's worth as well, you'll need to be careful that this doesn't lead to resentment between the children. It would be hard for any child not to take it personally that their Dad pays thousands of pounds for their siblings to go to a private school but not for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): I don't know what Cindy's talking about that "1800 is not enough"? If you were a single mum that's roughly what you'd be getting if you were on benefits (depending where you live) if you total up all your tax credits. and "550 euros, isn't enough for each child"? but that's roughly what our government deems enough through tax credits whether you get csa or not. Like you said, you would be better off, if you separated your finances, you're the expert here, so do what you feel is best for you and your kids.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 August 2014):
Of course there's a problem with you paying for your step children... but you aren't. Or, only nominally.
Now , OP, either I have totally misunderstood what you say ( which is quite possible ! It's a hot summer here, it may have affected my mental processes, in which case please set me straight ) or, you are a bit stuck into victim mode.
If I got it right, you say that you bring home 1962 £ monthly, of which 1800 go toward your husband 's CSA and alimony.
So, are you telling me that you are feeding clothing shodding transporting etc.etc. 3 and a half people ( yourself, your two kids, and half of the cost of the third child ) on 162 £ a month ?!... Obviously not.
Who's paying for ALL the rest ?.... Your husband.
And this probably costs him way more than just the 1800 you pay.
You sort of criss- crossed the payments for reasons of yours, so that your contribution to the general expenses comes out as you paying for his kids ..WHILE he pays for yours, and for yourself.....so how you can say you are short shrifted, I don't get it.
Suppose that the overall upkeep for each of you just costed just the measly 600 £ monthly each which has been allotted to his other family members ( which is impossible, I am sure it is WAY more ) 600 X 3.5 = 2100 £ . And without counting mortgage of course. If you had to count just on your own income , OP, you'd be hard pressed just to take care of the very basic needs of your children, and yourself - forget any fancy extras ! De facto, your husband is already helping you out with YOUR first two kids- maybe not as generously as it could be wished, of course - but, once again, since legally he would not have to take on any financial obligations toward these kids - anything he does , it is not to be scoffed at, no matter how little ( (in your eyes ).
As for splitting the costs , sure- if the current finacial set up does not work for you, and you feel it's punitive, then it 's only sensible to change it ( as I said in my previous post ).
But, keep in mind that you can custom- taylor only up to a point , if you want your husband to accept and be on board. I am sure he does not want to be punished either.
I think that basically there are only two ways- either, like now, you pool together all available resources, without looking at who earns more who earns less... all in one cauldron. But then,it makes sense that in this cauldron should go ALL : assets and liabilities, credits and debts, pluses and minuses....his much bigger than yours income, but also the repayment of his debts, and the obligation he had alreday contracted by the time of his second marriage... which is how it is now, and you don't like it.
Or, you keep your accountancy separated. He pays his alimony and CSA from his salary,- and you rigidly split costs of your household. That makes sense too - but in this case, why splitting 50/50 ? You are responsible for more people under your roof than he is, more food , more electricity, more heating. You have 3,5 people to support, he only 1,5. So you should pay 70% of all costs, it would be just fair.. In this case too... make your calculations well, and see if it's convenient for you... or if ( more probably ) that does not leave you just where you at right now.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 I think splitting the cost of running the house, mortgage, food, utilities, is fair and your retaining your earnings for your children is only fair.
I hope your husband can see that it is the only fair way as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Thanks for your responses, I do appreciate you all taking time from your day to think about my problem
Mrs ex wife does also get tax credits and all the maintenance is not means tested which means she receives roughly £1200 a month and other benefits also, that's the way it is In the uk so she's earning around £3000 she has no mortgage so she's fine, again I don't bear any malice toward her because if she were one of my friends I'd be encouraging her to get what she could considering the mistress he had for 10 years of there marriage
The reason we are in this mess is again mainly him... He had a few secret credit cards when he left her and he managed to run up £20k on them (spent them on the mistress) and didn't want a paper trail leading to his new secret life, add that to a car on finance and a huge mortgage, but the biggest thing is his fuel costs as he commutes to London every day
I do earn a reasonable amount but by London city standards it's nothing but I'm on the average end of the spectrum for community pharmacy wages, I think the advice is right and one I'm going to not only take is no more money from my wages, I'm serious on this point I'm going to open a joint account and go halls on all bills mortgage food etc and I'll have the rest for me and my children....as one aunt said its human nature to provide for your own so that's exactly what I'm going to do.... The person who said why should he pay for his stepchild..... But you see no problem in me paying for my stepchildren???? The fees yearly are £28k add to that the music lesions and horse riding club that also has to be paid for monthly and school lunches it's way over 30k I work full time (30 hours) and as I say after that going out I'm left with virtually nothing ...well no more they need to sort it out between them and if it means them having to go to a normal school then so be it... My 3 children do and I' think they've turned out fine and yes she needs to get a job and stop expecting me and the public to pay for her life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 August 2014):
All costs have gone through the roof in the last ten years ? ( not really,btw. UK inflation has always been between 0.95 % and 2 % in the last ten years , and the total makes for roughly an increase of cost of living of about 17 % )
Don't say it too loud, OP ! Or the ex wife might hear you, realize that this applies to her too, and petition the Court for review and adjustment of her alimony and the kids's CSA.
She might even get it, considering that the amount that sound so monstruous to you ( 1800 £ ) - makes about the salary of an experienced bus driver, to share in 3 . Not exactly living in the lap of luxury , when there's a dad with a fantastic job who makes lots of money .... Of course the Court would take into account that he has to support ONE more child ( one, OP, just one- although it's hard for you to realize it, he is not supposed to spend one penny on YOUR kids from your previous marriage ), but still...
I'd say he has been fortunate , or at least not too unfortunate. In my country he would have had it worse. 600 £ for each dependent make 755 euros at the current exchange rate , but considering that the cost of living in UK is
maybe 20% or 25 % more, that would be, in real purchase power ,like being granted 550 euros . Who can live , or raise a child, on that ? That's not even half the salary of an entry level factory worker here ( which notoriously don't have it that good at all ). In other European countries, he'd never got away with JUST that ...
Meager comfort, and you could not care less, I imagie, but I bring this up to encourage you to keep things in perspective. And to keep them real !, not as they "should " be in a perfect world :
the ex wife should go to work ? What for ?... To lose her alimony, so that the money can go toward her ex husband's stepdaughter's trip to Asia ?.. So that he can have more money to spend on kids that aren't eevn his ?...
Yeah, I SO see this happening ! she would be an idiot . You want her to be an out of this world saint... But, would YOU take a second job, ... so that the extra money can go toward buying motorbykes , or new Smartphones, for HER kids ?...
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 August 2014):
 Yes he is going a little overboard with this I think. I mean you had to sell some of your stuff on ebay to buy something that most people can just pull cash out of their pockets for. He should have spoken to you about it all (the spending) because you two are married and because of that, all bills (whatever they may be) that aren't paid because of the money he spent will be both of you guys problem so he should have spoken to you. He may feel guilty for leaving his ex and thus sees now as a time to make up for it. At least he isn't neglecting his kids but as I've said, he should have consulted you. Perhaps you two should split bills evenly and with what's left see to whom each of your kids may be since it's what he is doing currently. Maybe you should seek financial advice to help the two of you manage your finances because although the family is quite large, it's honestly ridiculous for the two of you to be so broke and it all boils down to the mismanagement of funds in certain areas (every penny counts). It sounds like the two of you need to have a good long discussion about everything. It's time for you to put your foot down with regards to your finance because I see that a lot of your money may go to the ex wife which I don't really see as your responsibility but obviously you fully understand the concept of marriage that everything is shared while he doesn't. He expects you to offer up your finances on his behalf am I right? While he goes out spoiling the kids while you're broke? Am I right again? He honestly needs to make a cut somewhere, in fact it's something that the two of you are in desperate need of. You can't go on like this much longer. He needs to be schooled on how a marriage works. You guys can't possibly go on with the way things have been going if you want the marriage to work. Something has got to give! Sit hubby down and have a good chat with him and if things don't change then you may be staring down the end of your journey as a married couple. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): The ideal situation for you would be him not being married before, and with all the money he makes you would have a beatifull worry free life. He would be a father to your children, all of them. But in fact it is not. My father married a woman with a child. And what that child had and I didn't was absolutely unspeakable. There was 7 years difference between me and him, I am older. Her child had every year vacations in tropics, while I spent all my summers in city camps. Her child went to private schools and then my father had no money to pay for my college, while her son went to the best university. I forgave my father long ago, and we are actually now pretty close, but I never forget how I was financially neglected because of her child who was not even his child. My father also made very good money. All I can say, that the children from previous marriage have nothing to do with their fathers faults, and yes, he should be feeling guilty. How he takes careof them is natural and honorable. However with all that said, he knew heis marrying a woman with 2 children, and he couldn't expect not to carefor these children at all. He can't keep his children in luxury, and your kids are left with nothing. He is already paying for their school and child support, and spousal support, if vacation are taken its extra, and extras should be divided equally between all children. Especially when it's not enough money for all of this. He can't play a rich kind and generous man to his kids, and keep the rest of his family in scrutiny. Kids see and understand everything, and though he DOESN'T HAVE to take care of your children, it will fire back at him in later years.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 August 2014):
OP, I feel awkward following up to your update, I don't what you to think that for some mysterious reason of mine I WANT to lunge at you and chew you up,... but, although on a simply human-to-human level I am sorry that you feel distressed and under mental and financial pressure, I must say that your update ( except for one detail ) just confirms my thought. I think you are letting your frustration get the best of you which does not allow you an impassionate objectivity ( which of course you could not have, being so personally involved in the matter ).
So, you accept that this man has no allegiances or obligations to your first two kids, they are pretty much all your responsibility. " But ", you say, when he married you he KNEW you were a woman with two kids who had taken a hit financially due to becoming widowed. Ok, but... when you married him, did not you KNOW too that he was a divorced with two kids who had taken a hit financially due to having been ( deservedly !) been taken to the cleaners by an ex- wife ? Of course you knew, you cooperated and have been kept updated about the whole process in details ! . So why should he be more considerate toward your financial and psychological position than you to his ?. What's good for the gander is good for the goose, and viceversa.
The truth , probably , is that you fell in love and thought " Amor vincit omnia " when alas in fact , it does not exactly wins absolutely " omnia ", in the course of time .... you want to buy new shoes and you can't, it becomes omnia less 1% , you want to go in vacation and you can't , it becomes omnia less 2%....
I also , forgive the indelicacy, find interesting that you have chosen to pool all your resources and sort of ladle them out on " as needed " basis. This is a common arrangement for many married couplea- but by no means the only possible one . Particularly in the case of extended families like yours. Nothing would have prevented you ( or , is preventing you now ) from telling him " Dear husband, I don't like the idea that my hard earned cash may go toward your ex wife 's dental bleaching, so let's do this way : you earn mroe so you'll take care of more people with more expensive needs ( private schools ) : i.e. yourself, your ex - wife , your two kids, and half of our daughter. I'll take care of myself, my two kids, and half of our daughter ". ( Or some similar arrangement ). Why did you accept the current set up ? Because you wanted it to be symbolic of your union, connection and togetherness, at all levels- because in theory , what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine- but maybe... maybe... pardon me for thinking that you also realized that a pharmacist's income is not quite enough for the needs of one adult and two and a half growing kids. ( It depends of course, if you are the OWNER of a pharmacy in London, then you are rolling in money - otherwise , if you are an employee.... OP, I lived in UK too, I know that being a pharmacist is more lucrative than other jobs, but I would not exactly say that it is enough for living large if you have two ( and a half ) kids to support ). Now , please do not think that I am implying that you were gold digging or wanted to scrounge off him. I just think that maybe you thought that you'd been able to tweak some "superfluous " , in your eyes, expenses, to curb some excessive consumptions , to sort of re-distribute evenly the available resources. As you have seen, it's not working. I think you have been a bit too optimistic thinking it would work. He has no interest or intention to make it work, and asking him that, is , as I said before , fighting against human nature. His kids come first- which is very normal, as I am sure yours come first for you,- and if he used to give them certain stuff, or just CARES tabout giving them certain stuff, he WILL. And good luck to you in making him change his mind, frankly I do not see it happening.
On one point you are absolutely right, that the daughter you've got together SHOULD ideally have the same chances and the same treatment as her older siblings. She should go to private school, so perhaps your husband would be wiser in curbing other expenses and saving toward that goal ( which, although , I guess would not make your liquidity any better ).
Then again, as I have to say to my son, sort of grown in the lap of luxury and now finding himself in more restrained financial circumstances , when he complains ( seldom- he's a good sport ) about what he could have easily and now can't .... SHIT HAPPENS. Things change, and people learn to adjust. When the two older boys started private school, I guess, dad was still married to their mom, who had not yet taken dad to the cleaners.
Your daughter was born AFTER a big change in her father 's life, and a change instigated and caused by her father , so there's no point in not taking this into account. At least, as your husband says, she can see dad every day , while her half brothers can't.
It sounds to me like you are saying that you are paying too high a price for giving an always present dad to your daughter... and only you can decide if at the end of the day, it was a good investment, or a bad investment. But anyway, it was an investment you went in with full disclosure and full data at your dispoasal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Yes you did read that correctly, I pay for that and his money pays the mortgage and bills etc and of course all the maintenance My daughter was recently invited by the government of an Asian country to attend a laungage summer camp down to her passing her GCSE 2 years early there was her and the rest of her class invited we only had to pay for her air fare, at the same time his daughter had a skiing hoilday in California and he decided that because most of the children in my daughters class weren't going but all of his daughters class were going she could go and he paid half of it... That was the day I started getting shirty about it...My girlfriends always say she should work and he wouldn't have to pay her spousal maintance which is £600 a month alone as well as the CSA money which is double that, (she still has the 90k in savings too) when he left the kids were young but now there teenagers and she could work... Like I say I get on with her she's actually a nice person and he was a royal tosspot to her in there marriage so I don't blame her getting all she can but it is affecting my kids and that's not fair... And with regards to "I should have known" how could I have known that fuel costs, food costs bills costs would go threw the roof?? Our bills have double over 10 years but our wages haven't!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): I believe your husband is trying to settle his conscience by being a martyr. He is almost going broke trying to prove to his ex and kids, he's not a jerk.
Oh, he has a valid reason that keeps you quiet. Anyway you look at it, he is over-doing it. He has a moral obligation to pay child-support for his children. He might be stretching it with sending them to schools that keep him broke; and leaving his present family short of what they need.
Yes, the ex-wife is getting the long end of the stick. While he might be heading for another divorce. That's what ex-wives do, who were cheated on by their husbands.
Since it is so important for him that his children with his first wife get a first-class education; it follows that he may want to take on additional part-time employment to make ends meet. It appears you are now becoming resentful, and that resentment is going to become only more toxic over-time. You can't hold a marriage together feeling resentful.
You both need to seek professional financial-planning and credit-counselling, to get your finances and budgeting under control. Sometimes that's all it takes. Learning how to make your money go further, without cutting out the important things you need. If state schooling is good enough for your children; it's good enough for his.
All he should be doing is paying the CSA ordered support; and let his ex-wife figure out a way to pay for fancy schooling for the children. Being a visible father and a part of their lives is more important, than how much money he throws at them to make them feel privileged. It wouldn't hurt for his ex to get off her fanny and find a job.
You and your children should not be feeling the sting of his taking better care of his ex, and his other children; while you settle for so much less. Even if you're exaggerating out of jealousy, the children are the innocent by-standers in this situation. None of them should have to be making any sacrifice, while the others flourish.
All the children should be receiving equal treatment, equal schooling, and your families should not run short of anything.
So, I guess you have to turn your bitterness into something positive and more proactive. You have to re-arrange your finances; before considering any drastic measures toward your marriage. How are you and your children treated otherwise? Is he good to all of you? If he is, then he will not have a problem getting professional help with your financial situation. If money is the problem, then focus on that. Not resenting his children and his ex-wife for what they should be receiving.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 August 2014):
Did I read your response correctly, in that most of YOUR wages go to his ex wife to pay for his and her children's private schooling?
I am gobsmacked!!
How dare he!
Phone him and tell him to stop using the credit card and that as from the beginning of next term not one red cent of your earnings are leaving your household. He can either accept that or not bother coming back!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 August 2014):
Leave him, or ask him to leave, which ever is better for you, make sure you apply for support for the child you share through CSA.
He is married to you, he has made a commitment to you, and I assume, the child you share. If he is choosing to pay for his children's schooling over and above what he is legally required to pay, that means you, and the child you share, are missing out.
When he asked you if you expected him to watch television on holidays did you tell him that was what you were doing?
He has no clue. His ex wife has got the better bargain. As for his comment regards his ex wife might have got money but you have got him and a happy family, well have you? Are you happy?
I wouldn't be!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Thanks for that advice, most appreciated and processed
Can I add that I do work full time and I earn as a pharmacist a lot more than most people and it is indeed all of my wages bar £162 that goes via dd straight to the wife's account to pay the monthly school fees....he was separated when I met him and all the deals with the ex actually went threw me and there solicitor as her and I get on & she hates my hb for being a scumbag to her in the marriage (I agree with her on that point) i have whole heartily been a supporter of things shouldn't change for the kids.... And yes I agree he doesn't have any allgencies to my kids but he did marry me knowing that due to my first husband passing away many years ago he would be a father figure to them.... He does very much have a duty of care to my daughter...I would have like her to attend private school but that's never going to happen.. I'm just feeling it's all lob sided and I'm the one that's going to be having to pay for half of that credit card also!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (6 August 2014):
 I have read your entire story & without getting into every single specific detail regarding all you've typed, i am going to keep it as simple as i possibly can.
Whenever two people enter into a new relationship & there have been others from the past & by that i mean ex partners, wives, husbands, children etc;, there will always be some type of issue that will arise within the new/current relationship unfortunately.
What is most important, especially as in your case, whereby you are his wife & there are your respective children & your children involved, is to talk to your husband in a completely private setting, away from ALL the children.
You must tell him everything that you are feeling, about everything! Hold nothing back, but do remember, it is not WHAT you say that is the deal breaker here, it is going to be HOW you say it to him.
Do not come across as overbearing, angry, snappy, jealous, irrational, immmature, nor irratable.
Rather, be as mature, calm, open & honest as you can be, but remember to be nice & maintain your level of respect toward your husband, no matter how angry or hurt you may be currently feeling.
Is this, not what brought you two together in the first place?? :-)
Why must we change, just because we are in a place of comfort. Maintain the love & the peace, it works wonders.
Good, open & honest communication are absolutely crucial within any union, especially if we wish to preserve what we have built to date.
Don't allow your marriage to go down into a dark pit, simply because you have these feelings.
You must do what is right for YOU here ok, don't worry too much about how we will react or take the news.
If you are unhappy, then talking will make a huge world of difference & believe me when i say, that either way, you will find out where you stand exactly with your husband & if he does turn out to be angry, furious with you, well @ least you will see his true colours, based on your genuine concerns regarding your finances, as a married couple.
Money is the root of all evil & yes, it causes more rifts within marriages, than most other issues, so you are right, it must be discussed.
As i mentioned before, do remember to be rational, calm & mature about this, as getting angry will not help anybody & realistically, this will only lead to more & more issues.
If your husband starts getting angry, defensive or even loud, please take a step back, take a deep breath & let him know that you are happy to continue talking, but only when he has calmed down & is ready to be completely upfront with you, regarding his feelings on the subject of finances.
If you do not deal with this by face to face discussion, this will continue & yes, it will get much worse unfortunately, because your husband will assume that he can continue to get away with it & if you say nothing, he may assume that you are ok with what he is doing.
(Not that he is aware, that he is doing anything wrong, i am assuming here.)
Your husband should always consider you, before making big financial decisions, as you have a right to know within your marriage. He chose to marry you & you are his wife.
I love the saying, we should not spend more than we earn.
Stick within your means basically.
If you both have a joint account, then he should not be spending from that account without telling you first.
If you both have respective accounts, whereby you both save independently, then i guess he has the right to do with that lot of money as he pleases, especially if he works & has good income.
Even then though, if he is very responsible, he should, so too yourself, pay all bills first & foremost, then you can both enjoy whatever money is left over & how you guys spend yr money is obviously a personal choice/decision.
I would also advise that you both see a financial advisor or consultant together, if you are both struggling with saving &/or money matters.
I wish you all the best & please let us know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Separate your finances.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 August 2014):
Sorry if I can't be very sympathetic to your predicament, but... I can't.
When you met this man, he was already divorced, already had two kids , his child support and alimony payments had already been established, his house had already been left to the ex wife, and his kids were already going to private schiil ( and he's right, their edication should not suffer just because he was a bad husband ). If not all of this had happened already,- nonetheless you saw it happening in the course of your relationship and before marrying him. He had bagage, heavy financial baggage too. But you decided , open eyed, to take him anyway. Now ,basically, you complain that it was not such a great bargain. Too bad. Or, did you really expect that he was going to curb his kids 's usual lifestyle... to spoil YOUR kids ?...
He is the guy who's making the big money, although, with such a large household, apparently it is not big enough money. And I am sure he is not , and will not let your child ( the one whom you had together ) want for anything or have sensibly less than his siblings . You... you can go out there , and make big money too , if you want to take your chuldren to parks and restaurants. ( At least that's what HE could tell you, if you nag about that ). Not fair ?... Life it is not fair , moneywise. There's people who earns more, people who earns less. After all, if you look at this from his point of view- he married a woman who does not earn a lot ; if he had married a heiress :) or some high powered lady , she could have contributed more and shared more of his financial weights than you , perhaps, and his life could have been easier,who knows.
I have no doubts that other posters will tell you : oh no, this is wrong, this is bad, now you are all one family, all children must be equal...
Pardon me, it would be nice if it were so, but this is just politically correct BS : he has absolutely no LEGAL obligations toward your children , if they want vacations and extras and private schools, they have to ask their biological dad for that. As for the MORAL obligations... no, personally I don't think he's got those either, but anyway , regardless of what I feel personally, that's just NOT how things go in every day life. Such is human nature that one first takes care of his own blood and flesh, THEN if there's anything left, of other's. Try and change that to any RELEVANT extent - yeah, good luck.
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