A
male
age
36-40,
*eer
writes:This is an update to an earlier question."Jill" and I have been dating for the past three months, and things really took off for us. Before that, we had been friends for several years. It feels like we have such good chemistry, and we just fit together in a way that I've never fit emotionally, mentally, physically, or romantically with a woman. As soon as I wrote her a basic letter saying that she was becoming an important part of my life, she started to seem distant and I had the sensation that she was avoiding me. I assumed that meant that she didn't feel the same way I do, so I asked her about it today.Me: "So, what is going on with "us?"Her: "I dunno. Thats a good question. What do you think?"Me: "Well I think we are dating. How do things look from your point of view?"Her: "Well, from my point of view, we go ON dates, but we are still available to date other people."Me: "Well, that is why I asked. To clear that up."Her: "It takes me a while before I can really feel good about dating someone exclusively."So then we hung out together for a while as she continued to do her usual flirty thing with me. Since it was the answer I had expected, I was able to play it cool, but since it was not what I had hoped, I was hurt pretty bad, and definitely kept my distance. I hugged her before I left, but I didn't offer a kiss.I feel somewhat used--played. When she kisses me, it is so tender and loving, but she says she doesn't want to be exclusive yet. That makes my heart ache with the thought that she could be out kissing other guys the same way she kisses me. My jealousy could screw the whole thing up.I want to do what I can to develop the relationship further. She really means a lot to me. But I'm not sure what else I can do to win her heart after all that we've already been through. Right now, it feels like I'm just not good enough, so my defense mechanism is anger and concealment of my real emotions--but I'm resisting the urge to flip out and hurt her feelings back in revenge or anything, because I really don't want that.My question is this: Wait it out, or move on? Will hanging in there show that I really do care, or should I take the hint and give it up? I'm not one to just lay down and die. I'm a fighter, but I can't tell if this is a battle I can win. She never said that it couldn't or wouldn't go anywhere... but should I have read that between the lines?I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that our connection isn't what it feels like. I know she has a tattered past with her parents divorced (multiple times) and the man she was engaged to suddenly dissapeared on her back in college, and turned out to be gay. I can definitely empathise that she is hesitant to invest herself emotionally again, but I am in the same situation. I want her to be happy, even if that means that she isn't with me, and I'm hurt that she seems so happy with me and yet doesn't want to make such a minor commitment. Am I just beating my head against a brick wall?
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male
reader, Leer +, writes (3 May 2009):
Leer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter a good night of getting stupid drunk to make sense of things, I have decided to stick it out, and take things slow. I have been able to sever my deeper feelings of attatchment and can think and act rationally. I really see that we were just moving too fast for each other--she physically, and me emotionally. (Usually it seems like it is vica-versa between guys and gals, eh?) I myself went through a period with her where I was becoming panicked that I was getting too deep into a relationship that I didn't know for sure if I really wanted, but with time and space, I found what I wanted.
I'll take the advice given here, which is also the same conclusion that I came to last night. Give her space, and take it slow. If she comes around, she comes around. If not, then too bad, but life goes on. I've never had anything that was worth getting that came easily or too quickly.
A
male
reader, Love4Life +, writes (3 May 2009):
 You answered your own question. You have a choice to make. Right now she seems to not know what she wants. It sounds like she finds comfort in hanging out with you. I would try and stick it out but be weary cause she might decide your not the one. Love is a risk and unfortunately without taking the a leap of faith we won't know the out come until it's joyous or heartbreaking. Now you know her better than me so you should already know if she is worth taking that leap for. Right now though it sounds like she wants a friend not a boyfriend or maybee she's confused to and scared of committing. Hence the brick wall I see. I would probably be her friend for now and see where that leads. I'm just afraid for you if you come on too strong you might push her away. Especially if shes already confused. I know this isn't a huge help but I hope it helps you make the right choice...
Miah
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