A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Six years ago I left my husband for another man. I have never been able to quite forgive myself because I know it hurt me children very much. I had been married for 21 years and had suffered badly. My husband took our first child from me in hospital and gave him to his mother to look after. I was not allowed to hold him or feed him and when he was 3 months old my husband moved to another country, taking me with him, promising that his mum and our son would follow. They never did. I didn't see my son for 1 year. I missed his first steps, his first birthday. To date, he has never been able to call me 'mum'. Eventually we all lived in the same house, but it was terrible. I was little more than a slave. often beaten, always ignored, only allowed out to work, gave all my wages to my husband, so that when my own mother got ill I had to borrow money from a friend to get a ticket to visit her. I was still not allowed to hug or kiss my son. He was 7 before my parents were allowed to see him. I accepted all this, got stronger and finally threatened to leave if things didn't change. Finally I was allowed to take my son to visit my family for 2 weeks every year. However, in order to get hold of his passport I would have to lie on the floor and kiss my mother-in-laws feet and beg her for days on end to allow me to go. When my son was 12 I got pregant again. This turned out to be a good thing, because we finally moved into our own place, leaving my mother-in-law behind but my oldest son had to stay with her. I felt awful. I had my new home and new son, but wanted both my children with me and worried about the mental problems my eldest would suffer, knowing I had abandoned him for my own sanity. In the end he started coming to us for weekends. Then I had another child. I had become stronger over the years and eventually persuaded my husband to move back to England. We did, with all 3 children. My eldest was 19 by that time, the other 2 were 6 and 3. We had a lovely home, fancy cars, lots of holidays and a lot of new friends but underneath I wasn't happy...Then I met this wonderful, almost penniless, guy who swept me off my feet. Although I didn't want to leave my husband because of the children, he persuaded me it was for the best. I listened to him and finally left. The 2 younger children came with me and they saw their father every weekend. Finances were a nightmare because I got no money from my husband and my new partner didn't have a very good job. My husband did nothing but threaten me and tried to turn the children against me. He managed with the elder one, who to date does not like talking to me or spending time with me. He said that, after finally becoming a family, I then broke it all up. Both him and my husband continually go on about how selfish I am and that I only thought of myself. I know I hurt my children badly but I always show them love and effection and never talk bad about their dad to them but now my middle son, who is almost 15, is beginning to show signs of dislike to me and this is killing me. In the end I even left my wonderful partner because my kids hated him (they were taught to by their dad, who always ridiculed him) and yet my eldest still won't talk to me, my 14 year old still only tolerates me and now my daughter, who is 12, is showing signs of mental stress and needs therapy... and to top it all her dad keeps telling her it is because I walked out on him 6 years ago and she will never get better.After 6 years I am now finally applying for a divorce. I tried before but my husband refused to sign the papers and threatened to take my younger children away to his home country of Greece so I got scared, knowing what happened with our first child, and let it go but now I really want out. Now the children hate me even more because it means selling the family home, which they all want to hold on to and their dad has said that, if we have to sell it to satisfy my selfishness, then he will move to Greece and the kids will only see him once a year! and he calls me selfish!!!??? The children agree with him. what have I done wrong? My husband said that, regardless of our bad history, I should have stuck with him for the children. Is he right? I am riddled with guilt and spend most days crying and in despair and hating myself for what I have done. I can't afford a therapist. I even left the man I love to please them all, yet every one still seems to hate me. Am I bad? Have I done such a bad thing? help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): You strike me as a very submisive person. You basically put no fight, when your husband took your son away from you and moved you to another country. Sounds like story from few centuries ago when women had no rights.I don't understand why your husband alienated the oldest son from you. What was his purpose? Makes no sense to me. Were you suffering from some mental sickness? Otherwise I don't understand why a father would do a sensless act like that. He didn't do it with the other children. Not that I don't believe you. There are a lot of crazy people out there that act like your husband.It's a very sad situation for you. It was very brave of you to leave your husband and live with a man you loved. Money of course is a serious issue, lack of it can create hardship that destroy relationships.You didn't have to stay in a bad relationship. I wish you could do it earlier, not after all these years. About your kids:14-year old is a teen, they all terrible at that age. I remember hearing from my daughter: "I hate you" several times a day. You are not bad, you want to be happy like all of us. A person can sacrifice herself so much. I wish you all the luck. Sad story though.
A
female
reader, shortstuff4789  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 no you are not bad. he is an evil abusive mamas boy who doesnt have the balls to admit how wrong he was to you all those years. and not only has he abused you but now he is emotionally abusing the children i dont think anyone whould say you were wrong. i think that after the first child was born you should have left him and his mother. what he did just goes to show he is really married to his mother first you second. im not married yet but i plan to be in the near future and if he ever did that to me i would take him to court because when you tell them everything he made you do and how controlling he was they will stop him . and while your children may dislike you right now, someday they will realize how despicable their rat of a father is . i know i did, as soon as the veil was lifted from in front of my eyes. you tried to leave now you must finish it. for your own mental health and your childrens. it will be so much better. and you will be free
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