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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone,I have an otherwise good relationship with my partner. We have been together for two years and living together for 18 months of that. He says he loves me and I believe that he does, but he is not very good at articulating his feelings. This leaves be feeling unappreciated and unvalued. He is brilliant at doing things for me, in fact I have my own business and he practically runs the house, takes my son to school, cooks, cleans irons etc. He says this is his way of showing how he feels and showing his affection for me, as he knows that he is not very good at communicationg. As such I feel very ungrateful when I say I need more!The real problem is that he never pays me compliments or says anything nice about me. If I dress up when we are going out and say 'how do I look?' he might manage a 'you look nice' but that is the limit. I long to hear words like gorgeous, beautiful, sexy etc. and to hear him say that he cannot wait to take me home and make love to me because he fancies me so much, but this never happens. We have talked about it and he says he knows it is a problem and that he has had similar comments from previous girlfriends and from his ex-wife, but that its 'just the way he is' and he cannot change.I really want to make our relatioship work but this is becoming a bigger issue for me all the time. I'm not the most confident person about my looks, although friends and previous partners all say/have said that I am very attractive and I know that many clients, industry collesgaues etc. find me attractive, so why can't my partner say these things to me? I came out of a previous relationship four years ago with a man who gave me everything I wanted in this respect but did not/could not love me - he said I was the closest he had ever come but he just did not think he was the 'being in love' type - so I got out before being hurt too badly. This meant that when I was first with my current partner, I thought that as I had the 'love' bit (which happened very early) then I could manage without the rest - but I know now that I cant'.We nearly split up very recently and he has said he will promised to try to change, but I have no confidence that he will - so I have two questions. 1. Am I asking too much to want to be made to feel special and sexy (lack of this is affecting our sex life!)?and 2. What can I do to help him change - if indeed I am right to ask that?Many thanks!
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confidence, ex-wife, his ex, sex life, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (21 December 2005):
 Some really good ideas here from the Aunts. Just keep reminding yourself that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Virginiaac +, writes (21 December 2005):
Your answer to this problem has to come from yourself. You need to sort out your own lack of confidence. Your partner is loyal and loving although unable to articulate his feelings. Stick with him, any guy who does the ironing sounds great - you know you look sexy and that's his way of keeping you.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (21 December 2005):
 Dearie, u are right everyone wants compliment from their partners whether they are a male or female. I agree with others here there are alot of people that arent verbal. You have to encourage him, i see him as the type that really wants to improve things between the two of u. I know its hard but try to be abit more patient with him.
Also, u say u lack abit of confidence.Confidence should come from within and you alone can build on that. A partner can tell one a hundred times that they are beautiful but if they dont feel that way it wouldnt help. perhaps u can go for a new makeover or join a gymn that helps to build both your mind and body.
Try not to worry too much, have fun this season u deserve it.
Merry xmas and a happy new.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): First of all, you need to KNOW implicitly all of these things about yourself. Then you say to him, "Wow, don't I look sexy". If he says yes, tell him softly that you want him to tell you. Wrap your legs around him and tell him again, softly. Tell him how much you enjoy. Tell him how his words and compliments turn you on. Tell him how you feel when you hear those words. It may be uncomfortable for him at first, but keep trying, a little each time. Don't bring it up when you are upset, just when it will be received well. Some men and women are just not verbal, and they don't understand how verbal/auditory people perceive their environment. Don't give up, he just needs a little practice with his communication.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (21 December 2005):
 You aren't asking too much to want to be made to feel special, wanted, sexy, attractive, etc, etc. However, women do not always receive such compliments and expressions from their partners. This is pretty common and it is all to do with the difference between men and women. Women are good, or at least, better than men at expressing how they feel. Some men can be pretty hopeless I'm afraid and do tend to show it in different ways. This is what your partner is doing. He demonstrates his love for you in the things that he does. He also tells you that he does love you which is great as not all men are able to do this sincerely.
Of course you want him to tell him how gorgeous you are and that he would love to take you to bed. There are some men out there who are like that and able to articulate how they feel in this way but they are few and far between I'm afraid. I don't mean to be cynical, it really is a case of some men just simply being unable to explain themselves in this way. I believe they become embarrassed and awkward and can't find the right words to say.
It could be a case whereby you may have to accept your partner for the way that he is. Tell him how gorgeous and sexy you think he is, tell him you love him. That way you are showing that it is easy to say what you feel. Ask him how he does feel about you. Does he think you are sexy, attractive, etc but just can't say it when it needs to be said? Try to gain an insight into how he feels by what he manages to say.
Don't try to change him as this may be a fruitless task. Look at what he does to express how he feels for you. Consider whether you can accept that he does love you by these actions and the words that he does speak. Tell him that you would love it if he did tell you what he felt but that you accept that he finds it difficult to do so. Cut him a little bit of slack as he may surprise you one day!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (21 December 2005):
 Well this is going to be interesting because I've been waiting for this question. I in my current relationship, tell her everyday 3 things that helped me. One is that I love her Two is how special she is and Three how beautiful or pretty she is. I sincerely mean each of these three things however, I've had to work my ass of to teach her that I open the doors and I Get up in the middle of the night to check noises and I am responsible for her safety. I only told her a couple of exceptions. If you argue with me I will let you rant and rave with high tolerance. But when your wrong I will definately put you in your place. With all that said, SHE does not shower me with compliments and or affection. I KNOW she loves me because I look for the little things she does not the words. She couldn't be romantic if princess charming bit her on the butt. However, this is NOT a reason to ever think that she has a problem. I joined this relationship (and a great one at that) for compassion/honesty/loyalty and sex. I didn't purposely seek out miss sweep me off my feet. She was looking for that and that's who I was (because I am a hopeless romantic)so she wanted me. I realize now that I wished she say those things once in awhile instead of me asking her. But, alas i'm just fooling myself. So to me I look for the signs which are there if you look very hard. The signs of the eyes. Like when she's across the room she looks at me with adoring eyes or when she does tell me she loves me is it sincere or is it a statement. Those signs reassure me that she is always there where she has been and I'm who I am. As for being Sexy sure even my co-workers tell me that I am but, they just want to kid around or get into my jeans. I want the one who sleeps with me to say it too. She does not; she only shows me that she wants me. So as for your dilemma I don't know how old he is but It doesn't sound like he's going to change and your making something out of a little thing. Most people would love to have someone who cooks and cleans and honestly takes care of their children without complaining. So maybe you struck out on the compliment side if that's truly what you want then you could leave. But, the next guy may compliment you and never show you, or be the laziest slob you ever met. It's so hard to find the perfect person that we all THINK we need. I think personaly he sounds like a great guy. As for YOUR confidence I always think that I need reassurance too; I say to you. Try this on one. I don't care what others might think of me I only care what the person I'm with thinks. Then have him describe it too you and go for a look he will want. When I met my fiancee I thought I dressed fine and my hair was perfect. Now I think I look like Jude Law and I shop at the GAP. I'm almost 40 for crying out loud. But, I resolved that in my mind who really cares except her. So now she's proud of me when we go out because she explained what she wanted. I even shave different and I mean alot different. So the point of all this is that She wasn't perfect to my imagination but she is perfect for me. I'm sure your beautiful but He probably wouldn't be with you if he wasn't attracted to you. If your sex life is going down hill then there are a thousand ways to spice it up. I don't think you need to blame it on his inability to give compliments. Good Luck. Ed
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