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female
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anonymous
writes:Are my expections from a relationship too high? Or maybe too low?What I want is, someone who respects me and accepts me for being who I am- conservative, quiet, shy and reserved at times. Someone who accepts my values of wanting to wait for sex (ideally wait till marriage, however I might be willing to compromise when in a long term serious relationship). Someone who accepts me for not drinking alcohol. Ideally it would be nice to be with someone who doesnt drink too, however I could easily accept being with someone who drinks (as long as they arent a heavy drinker) as long as they dont try to force me into it and accept my choice for not doing so. And finally someone who is understanding, sensitive and caring. Is that too much to ask for?I am 21 years old, and have been in 3 relationships. All of them were the complete opposite of what I want. All 3 of my ex bf's tried forcing/manipulating me into sex, completely disrespected me, were heavy drinkers (one on the verge of being an alcoholic I think), and were always trying to change me to be someone Im not- like trying to get me to drink, to be a loud and overly confident person etc. And none of them were very sensitive to my feelings either. It was always about them and they turned everything around on me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think i am better than anyone, although i do understand where you might get that perception from as alot of people to have that attitude. I dont look down upon people who drink or who have sex. In fact alot of my best friends are the opposite to me and are like that. But when it comes to having a bf, sharing those values is alot more important to make the relationship work. But like i said, i am willing to make some compromises to things that are so important to me. like i said i may consider having sex before marriage if and when in a truly committed relationship. I would date someone who does drink as long as its not to an unhealthy point (and they accept my choice- thats the key point in why i would ideally like someone who doesnt drink because they are more liekly to accept my choice and not try to change me)- and really, who would want to date someone who drinks to an unhealthy/excessive point unless they do it themselves?
I think i have the right to expect those things, and i think its unfair that im being accused of thinking i am better than eveyrone just because i have those values and want to stand up for them.
Of course i have flaws, i dont understand why you think i think that i dont have any of my own? my post was about whether or not my expectations are too high or low, so just because i didnt launch into a big post about all the things wrong with me, doesnt mean i dont realise that. if you were able to read between the lines, you would of seen that i am an incredibly insecure person and have alot of things i hate about myself, and thats why i probably have settled for those who just abuse me in the past.
And i agree not all 'shy' people are nice/good etc...obviously like any stereotype not everyone fits.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I am sorry if this offends you in any manner. I will try not to offend. I am apologizing in advance in case I do.
I agree that drinking and smoking is bad, and lying is worse, and pretending to be someone you're not is even worse. I don't mean you have to like that. But I think I detect a "holier than thou" attitude, and that is bad. Quite often that is the behavior of people who fail to notice that they have flaws, too, and that those flaws could be just as important in a relationship failing. So, in essence, what I mean is: look at yourself and make sure you do your half of the work in any future relationship.
If you're shy, then I don't think those guys were to blame in one thing: in trying to make you "overly confident". That was good, I guess.
By the way, "shy" is not the same as "good". So, be careful with those guys, too. Sometimes "shy" is mistaken for "I-do-stuff-but-I-don't-tell". You need to give yourself more time to get to know the people.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew- I am confused as to how exactly you think I am defining myself as 'good' and them 'bad'. I wont apologise by being absolutly disgusted by some of the things they did which are immorral and pretty much illegal, like sexual abuse.
I dont think drinkers are bad, but just because I choose not to drink one doesnt mean i think that. Its because i have never found somoene who does drink and can respect me, even though i respect their choice and never try to change them.
Yes I know I made the decision to be with these guys, but they were all good at pretending to share my values in the beguining. They all said they didnt drink much at all, only rarely. They all said they agree waiting for sex until im ready. But as soon as I fell for them, suddenly all of that changed. And by then i had all my feelings involved etc, it was hard to leave straight away, but i did eventually.
softtouchmale2003- You made alot of sense.
I guess thats part of the problem, I am shy and if Im going to meet someone simialr who can be quiet and so on, well then its unlikely to happen because both of us would be too shy to make the first move. I do find guys like that attractive, but I just feel to shy. Its funny because even though im shy, if someone else is shy, it makes me have doubts about what they think of me. Instead of being bale to jsut think 'ok they are shy, nothing personal' i start thinking they must not like me etc because they arent making a move. I guess I need to change that part of my thinking.
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reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (7 September 2009):
 There is a great deal going on in your question so let me see if I can break this down.
1. You have clear and definite boundaries. That is what you are and are not willing to do and you know when you will determine those stages of a relationship, and how to react to them when you reach those points.
2. You seem to have an idea of the type of man you want in your life. You want someone who will respect you, respect your boundaries and care for you in a loving way.
Here's a suggestion, you've made it to the first two steps in finding the right man, but what I think you need to do next is focus on your qualities. What you have to offer to a man like that.
Then you have to try moving towards interacting with more people who are varied in their occupations and their lifestyles than where you've been looking.
The problem is that you say you're conservative, quiet, shy and reserved. Its hard to attract someone if they don't know you're there. Which means the men you are attracting are more or less acting predatory towards you.
The best thing to do is start working on your self-image a little bit. You need to be out there mingling in circles as sexlessintheuk put it, but you also want to meet people who are a closer match to your own personality.
The best thing to do is try and screen through your prospects more carefully. If someone drinks, possibly too much, just tell them you don't like alcohol and you prefer to see someone who doesn't touch the stuff. If you want someone similar to you, reserved and maybe a little shy, then you're going to have to start talking to men who are closer to what you're like.
That's hard to do because well they're shy. If two shy people are standing in a room full of people, one of them is going to have to make the first move. Be prepared. If you see a man who looks and acts the way that is attractive to you, then talk to him. Talking isn't hard to do. It starts things going. Maybe he's right for you, maybe not. But this is the case where you may have to choose your mate, not wait for the contrary to happen.
Like I said, its just a matter of screening your prospects. How you do that is up to the rules you've laid out for yourself. It sounds to me you know what they are.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 September 2009):
I agree with Baby Duck, but have one thing to say myself.
You define your relationships as "good you" and "bad them". I am sure these guys had some redeeming value, or they wouldn't have been of any interest to you. I think you're not looking at relationships correctly. You feel that you've done everything right and they have done everything wrong. That is very rarely the case. You have some thinking to do, as well.
You attract the guys, but you also say "yes" to them. it is always the woman who decides whether the relationship will go ahead or not. So, you made a decision to be with these guys. Think about that, too.
Finally, you don't want a VERY religious guy. They all think that, in the end, women are not their equals. I will be happy if someone PROVES me wrong, instead of just saying I am wrong. Maybe it's best if you find yourself a pagan philosopher, a la Marcus Aurelius, someone who won't mess with religion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice :)
And I have tried not to judge my exs. I never asked them to change at all, even though they were always trying to change me.
As for me attracting the wrong guys- that is def true. But I am still clueless as to how i am doing that.
Your reply sounded like you think i go for the stereotypical good looking bad boy...but thats not right. In fact, my first bf, he was a artist (sensitive to himself, but not to anyone else!), and my 2nd, i met him at church, he claimed to be a strict catholic, but really was not. And the last, well i met him online.
But yes i do realise I do have responsibility in the situation i am in. but i am honestly jsut so unsure of how i am attracting the wrong guys. and i dont seem to be able to see they are wrong at the start. usualy they pretend to share the same values as me. the ysay im perfect how i am and would never wnat ot change me. then once i have fallen for them so much, thats when they change and its too late because i am so involved with them, its too late.
Anymore advice would be great :)
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