A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize for the long rant. I'm overwhelmed right now with feelings of insecurity and jealousy. My boyfriend of 1 year is a very charming man with good looks and great sense of humor. He is flirtatious, he is very out going and meets new girls all the time, and he hangs out with girls one on one constantly. I find that the deeper I am into this relationship, the harder it is for me to accept his relationships with other girls. I think I am not being overly jealous and insecure here am I? I mean any girl would not like her man going out with other attractive women on a one on one date. Sometimes I hint to him that I do not like him hanging out with other girls, and he would say to me that they are only friends. I know men. Men don't see girls as just friends, especially when the girls are attractive. Right now, I feel like I have two options. Either I stay with him and accept him for who he is, that is to accept his flirtatious behaviour and his dates with other girl friends, or break up with him because this jealousy issue will always be in between us. What should I do? I feel like I'm breaking down. I am constantly being bombarded with this feeling of jealousy and it is driving me insane. I cannot concentrate and I would always imagine him having sex with other girls. I realize that it is me who has jealousy issues to deal with. But given someone like him, I think any girl would be prone to being jealous and suspicious, right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I have a similar problem. I've never been cheated on or felt remotely insecure until I met the guy I date now. i know he loves me and we live together but he's just got in touch with a girl he was friends with at school and theyve been texting calling most days to arrange something.
Shes just split up with her boyfriend and although he knew that he deliberately lied about it because he knew i'd get the 'wrong idea'. He's a very sensitive guy and there isnt one girl in his life who he hasn't loved or fancied at some stage during their friendship.
She's coming round to ours tomorrow as I demanded to meet her before they started going out one on one. my concern stems from the fact that he lied, that hes told me before he had feelings for this girl, she's gorgeous (although I'm pretty ok myself) and that its all about him and her. he didnt even suggest she meet me until I did.
Now he's started deleting her messages from his phone after I foufn the one about the boyfriend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): The bottom line is you are cheating yourself and your partner out of the kind of relationship you want. It is obligatory that you share your thoughts and feelings about his flirtatious behavior and going out alone with other friends that are girls. You may not get the results you want, he may not change his ways, but you may be able to better understand each other. You may also come to the realization that this is not the relationship for you. You cannot change him if he doesn't want to change, but you can change the situation that makes you unhappy by talking about it or making your exit....he can't address your concerns and bad feelings if you don't express them to him; do this in a nonaccusatory way. Speak from the heart and speak in terms of I think this, what do you think? Try not to get too emotional or he may tune you out, and wait for a time when you think he is being quiet and open to hearing you out.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 I kind of agree with Danielepew. Certainly agree that if you need to tell a guy something, hints are completely useless - has to be straight out - but not sure if you should confess how jealous you feel, especially as you yourself acknowledge that you're being very possessive and you need to stop it, because these girls are just friends. It's hard to say without seeing him and them and you, but I think you need to be damn careful you don't blow up about something which is genuinely just him having other friends. He could feel v trapped by that, and you don't want to indulge that possessive side of yourself.
Hmm. I know how I would try and get him to do what I want. I would do it in bed and I would take the cajoling/appealing approach rather than the confrontational one ...
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A
female
reader, SouthernBelle  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 In my opinion it sounds like you don't trust him and you are insecure with yourself, so when he really is going out to whatever with these girls on a friendly basis you start to get all down on yourself and the relationship because you are insecure. The biggest problem in your relationship is that you don't trust him. You can't have a relationship with no trust. I am a female but I do have to agree on this subject a womans sense of judgement is warped. We are always assuming our man is cheating for talking to a female when they are simply friends. When we talk to a guy friend and our man gets mad we get all bent out of shape because he is mad we talk to guys even if on a friendly basis. What makes him talking to girls in a friendly manner any diffrent than us talking to our guy friends? I think you need to stop worrying so much about him meeting other girls on a friendly basis and stop thinking he is running around on you until he gives you a positive reason to think so. He may see other girls as friends or whatever but at the end of the day who is he coming home to, who is dating and telling he loves?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 I would like to add a little opinion here, which, I hope, you will find useful in this particular problem and in all problems related to men. No matter what, never drop hints. We never get them. Communication is essential for any relationship, and it just doesn't make sense at all to send messages that the recipient very likely won't understand. Shoot from the hip, and we'll get the message. Tell him that you hate that he goes out one on one with girls, ask him whether he would like you to do that, and I bet he will understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone. I have only dropped subtle hints here and there that I am jealous, and he would just reassure me that the ones he hangs out with are merely friends. I have thought about talking it over with him, but I am afraid that would drive him away as I would come across as someone who is possessive and overly sensitive and extremely jealous and insecure, which is exactly what I am, but I've been trying to suppress this side of myself.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Hi
I know what you are going through. The reason that is simply because my bf is also good looking but remeber they are with us and they chose to be so we can take this as a compliment.Im sure you are going say that you trust your bf but you are only human to have these feelings of jealousy. y bf doesnt hang out with other females so that is your first issue that you should sort out. Tell him that you are not happy with his outings and ask him if you were to behave as he did would he like it? You need to let your bf know that even though he is good lookinbg he cant take advantage of you and think that you are always going to be there. Let him know that he should also feel as though you are special to hiom.Communication is important speak to you bf only he can change his ways to make you happy.
Regards,if you wanna chat mail me.
Sexi
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 March 2008):
ps a good way to stop the jealous feelings immediately is to picture YOURSELF in bed with him - which is a true picture of what happens all the time. He's sleeping with you, remember. He's yours.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 March 2008):
Do you trust him? It sounds like you don't, but it would be a real pity to break up with him because of your own insecurities if he actually isn't being unfaithful.
This is something you need to sort out.
I know what you mean. All of my men seem to have been like that. (All of my men!!! I mean 1 husband, 1 boyfriend in my teens, and my partner now.) They are all the sort who can walk into a room and look around and immediately women are swooning at their feet. They can turn on the charm in a second, and any woman (usually the prettiest in the room) will be eating out of their hands. It makes me feel like a squashed worm. BUT, I reason, if such a guy is actually happy to be with me, present me as his, to the world, then what am I worrying about? I too can turn on the charm - I know that I can do a similar thing with guys if I want to. I'm not some amazing model type, but there's something in me that seems to both relax and attract men at the same time. I know my men have found that tricky at times. And the thing is, I don't do it on purpose - it just happens. It's a chemical effect, it seems.
OK. But no, I don't go on single meetings with guys - although if I wanted to, I would feel it was my right, and was OK, because I would know my partner had nothing to worry about.
Part of your guy's makeup is that he is charming and sexy. He feels confident in himself and in his relationship with you, and he likes being himself and exercising his charm. That is hard, real hard, for you, because you don't feel so confident in yourself - I totally understand. The one relationship where I felt OK with a guy like that was where I got 100% reassurance from him, and where I could just say 'don't do that' and he wouldn't. Unfortunately, charmers by nature don't usually like their style cramped.
This is the deal: I think you should forgive him for being sexy and outgoing - that's part of why you like him, and whatever you feel about it, he ain't going to suddenly change. I think you should establish once and for all how much he loves you and if you can trust him. If you get clear answers that you can trust him, you need either to give him the space and switch off the jealousy, or leave him. Does he realise how serious this is for you? And if you asked him not to go out with the girls, would he?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 March 2008):
If he's "charming, with great looks and a great sense of humor", you can bet that he will stay that way for long. You can count on other women feeling attracted to him, just as you were. Even if he were an angry man, he would still be interesting to women. So, I'm sorry, but, when all is said and done, you can either stay with him as he is or leave him.
Maybe he should cut the flirting. I think that's something we should all do when we're in a relationship. But you can bet that women will flirt with him. And gays, too.
I need to point out that you're doubting him. You suppose that eventually he will have something with these girls. What kind of a relationship do you have, and what kind of a person he is? If he is a faithful guy, you don't have reason to worry. Once I met this wonderful woman everyone drooled over (rumour has it that I did that, too), but she was always faithful to her husband. When you met her, you knew you had no chance at all. Yep, her husband was a bastard and didn't appreciate the woman he had, et cetera, but he was a DARNED LUCKY bastard, because he had her and she was absolutely faithful. You know the worse part? She was unhappy in her marriage, but stepping out was simply not her way.
Do you think you can talk to him about this, and see how he reacts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I also have a boyfriend and he goes to a diffrent school from me and that makes it harder . I don't get to see theses girl, (if there are any ...)or if he's being faithful, if he's a flirt or is true to me .....I know how you feel but I trust him and I know he loves me . If it bothers you ask him not to go out with those girls as much but don't cut him off completely because he won't like that at all. And maybe ( if you can stand it) ask to hang out with him and the girl all together .....Idk I'm just throwing options out there .I hope I helped in some way I hope everything works out for you :)*~VG~*
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