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female
,
anonymous
writes: Am I abusive, is my fiance, or are we both? Yesterday I broke up with my fiance for the 50th time, and he just sat there and booked a trip online and said he loved me but that he wasn't going to try to stop me anymore. We argue so much that I just haven't been feeling love toward him for awhile, but I still love him. Anyway, it made me mad that I wasn't getting a reaction out of him (I know that sounds immature), so I crumpled up a picture of us and tried to rip up another picture of us and he tried to stop me so he had his arms around me and was using physical force to stop me, and I was fighting to get a hold of it too. We didn't punch each other or anything, I was just crying the whole time. I said I wouldn't rip any pictures and he let me go. Then, he said he would help me pack my car but just threw my suitcase in the trunk damaging a part of the inside of my car. Then, he threw my shoes (many pairs) into the bushes that are about 16 feet high and they got stuck. I never ended up leaving him because I do love him and I want us to break up only when something really big happens. The only reason I break up with him now is because I can't accept that he goes on long trips (business and for fun) without me. I guess I need to just accept him for who he is. Well, today I had a little bruise on my arm probably from the dispute yesterday, and I was just wondering if I am abusive or he is? He said him stopping me from ripping up his picture wasn't abusive and that I was being abusive by ripping it up or trying to. First of all, it was our picture. He said it's illegal for someone to even destroy their own property.
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male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (6 October 2007):
You were the initial agressor and he was defending the property, which maybe he shouldn't have. You both need to get some anger management training.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 October 2007):
 I would have to say in your case both of you are abusive. Doing something negative to induce a reaction is a form of abuse. Now is your situation by the events you listed, I'm not going to use the word abuse. Him holding you and you tearing the picture qualifies both of you for "domestic violence." That is a crime, and yes it is against the law to destruct your own property during the course of an argument with someone who you have an intimate relationship with.
Both of you need to control your anger and really work on finding non destructive solutions to solving your problems.
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