A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi dearcupid, I have been dating a pretty nice guy for the last few months. Everything seems pretty good except I'm concerned about something. I'm not sure if I have a right to be concerned. What I'm concerned about is he is still in frequent contact with his previous ex girlfriend. By frequent I mean around 3-4 days out of the week or so. He says they still remain close. Now they broke up maybe 2 months tops before him and I started dating, something I didn't think much of at first but now am iffy about. He actually told me up front he was not ready to date again, but as we got to know each other he's the one who stepped up and made it official. He seems to still go out of his way to text his ex girlfriend back and just the other day, a friend of his mentioned that he saw her at work and my boyfriend seemed genuinely interested in knowing about what she's been up to. And about 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend ran into her and told me they just had a very good, long talk about things and that it made him feel better knowing that she did not hate him? But that he felt bad that she was upset about him dating someone so soon. I understand he may still care for her, but is it a bad sign that he still cares very deeply about her feelings towards things? And that he feels the need to remain close to her and in frequent contact? In my gut and what I've experienced, I think there are unresolved feelings between him and his ex. My brother also told me in a nice way that he thinks I am a 'rebound' and then things started to hit me, that I'm falling for someone who may still want his ex and who got with me so shortly after coming out of a 3 year relationship. What do you guys think about this? Am I over reacting or do you think I have a right to be concerned?
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female
reader, EFM94  +, writes (27 April 2016):
 I think you have a right to feel this way. I do believe there will still be feelings there between these two. It would really bother me if I was in your shoes.
The fact that he still gives his ex a lot of attention is a warning sign in itself. Especially after being together for three years I don't really believe feelings subside in such a short space of time. I don't feel that he is doing this on purpose.. He might just be one of those guys that likes to get on with everyone and not have any hard feelings. But in my opinion you should always go with what you're gut is telling you. If you feel that something isn't right chances are something isn't. Remember to love yourself more than others and don't get your heart broken.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 April 2016):
 Nobody with feelings gets over a 3 year relationship in just a few months of dating someone new; there's always emotional residue (baggage), unresolved issues; hurt, anger, good memories, loneliness to deal with.
He did said, he wasn't ready to date and your brother is so right about him. Luckily you’re smart too! IF he feels the need to remain close to her, then he best leave you alone and get on his bike. Certainly you’d want someone devoted to you, not be some rebound to a guy who texts his ex 3-4 days out of the week?
Be wary of him or any such person trying to convince you, by making it official so soon thereafter and especially when they still communicate with their ex. (Unless there are children involved.) He’s simply trying to sort out his life while keeping the other side of the bed warm?
I believe you need someone who is emotionally available and ready to date you proper… not being somebody’s fill in void of an ex.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2016):
 Yes, rebound. Although from what you describe I do not think he is a mean guy, and I am not sure he's fully aware of what he is doing. But I do believe he is (whether fully aware of it or not) using you to get over her. I don't think he wants to be with her! But I am not sure he wants to be with your either.... I believe he just needs you around in order for him to not fall back into her arms, like a sort of protection or excuse "No, I can't get back with her, I have my new girlfriend now". And the difference between this and if he cared for you would be "No, I can get back with her because I don't care for her that way any longer, I care about my new girlfriend now".
A rebound relationship isn't always doomed though, it might still be that you and him develop a happy and strong relationship, through time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2016): I would request that you both go back to remaining just friends until your bf decides to devote 100% of his time and efforts towards you and your relationship.Trust me, if you keep going on like this, it will only build resentment and lost of trust in the future. You will see and be reminded every time how your bf puts his ex before you and your relationship. You will get to the point where you will be so angry with him that all you do is argue every day.I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. He was the one that dumped her for me, but he remained in constant contact with her. I was OK with it until I found out he was making excuses to see her, lying to me for her, etc. He did indeed want to be with me because he knew I had more to offer than his ex and I can provide much more than she can. Up until today he is still wanting a serious relationship with me. But our relationship is scarred and haunted by all the things he did when he was with me but not over his ex yet. He needs to be 100% over her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2016):
 I agree with the ladies and with Tisha, the fact that HE said he wasn't ready to date, shouldn't have been ignored.
I do think you are the rebound. He might not be aware of himself, but a guy who talks to an EX 3-4 times a week is NOT over the breakup and not over the ex.
It's nice that he is concerned about his ex, but... again, she really shouldn't be his business.
The little comment :"that it made him feel better knowing that she did not hate him" makes me think HE did something that broke them up.. Did he cheat? Otherwise why did he think she hated him?
Sorry, I'd consider that the ex will be a big part of his life and YOU will feel like a 3rd wheel because you don't have so much history as they have.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (23 April 2016):
 Hi,
just to add, where i stated, we decided to remain platonic friends, because we had an "amicable relationship", was meant to read, because we had an "amicable break up".
Sorry abou that.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (23 April 2016):
Hi,
sorry to be brutally blunt, however, i do believe he has dated you on the rebound.
There is no way that a man can suddenly get over a 3 year relationship so quickly.
Your bf dated his ex gf for 3 years, a pretty long time, then only TWO short months after breaking up with her, he is now dating you.
The fact is, he has hardly given himself time to truly find complete closure where she is concerned, he obviously hasn't moved on and he hasn't given himself time to really find himself, so as to be able to re-open his heart to his truest love.
The mere fact, that he is in very regular, weekly contact with his ex and the fact that he is still so interested in her whereabouts, in chatting with her for a long period of time, plus more things that you've stated, are all highly indicative of serious interest in his ex.
He has not gotten over her, nor his ex he and i would highly advise you to guard your heart, because he may break your heart at some point.
You are obviously sincere in your commitment to him, but he isn't to you unfortunately.
He likes you and cares about you, otherwise he wouldn't be dating you, however, his ex is still a huge part of the equation and his life.
You cannot make one new relationship work, when you haven't even completely finished with a previous one.
I think he is a bit selfish, in that he isn't being completely upfront and honest with you, regarding EVERYTHING that's going on between he and his ex.
He tells you that he and his ex still remain close.
This comment in itself isn't great news, because it's not the kind of, we've decided to remain platonic friends, bec we had an amicable relationship and she's moved on, living her life on her own, or with her new beau and i've moved on too. What she does now isn't my problem, nor do i really care.
It isn't like that!
He is upset that she's upset, that you guys are now dating, so soon after their break up.
How weird is that, seriously?!
The fact that they're both upset, clearly stipulates very strong feelings on either side, so please don't ignore these pre-warning signals.
The sad reality is that he may just go back to her in due time and you cannot do one thing about this.
All you can really do for yourself, is to guard your heart and keep it safe.
I don't think you should approach him just yet, but do keep a very close eye on his behaviour every day.
Do this for as long as you need to and when you see or hear something that is a deal breaker for you, then do approach him, but try not to be too upset and angry, if/when you do so, because it's not worth your while.
If you aren't totally his priority at present, then why make him yours?
Also, it's better to have found out earlier that it wasn't working or meant to be, than to remain within a poor union for an even longer period of time, then to have your heart broken.
It'd be ten times harder then.
You will be spared a lot of heartache and future pain, the SOONER you know where his TRUE FEELINGS stand and what his long term intentions are.
All the best and let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2016):
 I’d be concerned. In fact, I’m wondering why you agreed to date him when he’d told you “up front he was not ready to date again.” Red flag.
He’s probably like my sister’s ex, who always had the next girlfriend lined up before he broke up with the current girlfriend.
Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (22 April 2016):
 I think you have reason to be concerned, contact 3-4 a week between exes is a lot. So Id advise you to keep a close watch on things but not say a lot about it to your boyfriend, YET.... Unless something more happens. How long were they together? Sometimes it just takes time to truly get over someone and move on separately. Or he could be secretly wanting her back... Who's idea was it to break up? The truth is he's gonna do what he wants and there isn't much you can do to stop him from doing it. Just protect your heart as much as you can until you truly know you can trust him with it.
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