A
female
age
30-35,
*issesConfused
writes:All my friends, guys and girls alike, have participated in sex of some sort. So I can't help but feel like a pariah when they begin to talk about their sexual encounters when they go on about, "Such and such made me a woman/man the other day." I know they don't rub it in on purpose, but it seems like sex is all they talk about. About how it feels, how great it is, etc. Now I have a boyfriend who is not a virgin, looks at other girls, and might be expecting for me to give him something. I've confronted him about it and told him that I would prefer to wait to have sex until marriage, or at least until I fall in love. He said he was totally cool with it, but I don't know if I can be so sure.So, then about a month later he says that he's in love with me. My friends thinks it's great, but I don't know if I'm in love with him yet. But then his ex-girlfriend comes up to me and goes on and on about when they had sex, and says that if I don't do physically fast, that I'm going to lose him. Thing is, while I know he looks at other girls and acts like a jerk sometimes, he does care about me and I really really like him. So I decided that we should take our relationship to the next level. At first, he just frenching me, which was the first time I had ever been kissed like that. But before anything ever really happened, I started crying. After that, it's really kinda fuzzy, and I don't really remember what I was feeling. Maybe I was just scared.While I'm grateful to him for stopping, things have been awkward and I don't know what to do. So thanks to anyone who will answer these questions.1. How did you know when you were ready to have sex?2. Am I freak for crying when all we did was kiss when all my friends have had sex, but I'm still a virgin?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): im a 17 year old virgin.
so what.
im constantly talking about sex,
nobody has ever called me a freak for being a virgin.
infact they respect me more for being the way i am i dont want to wait untill marrage however just untill i love someone and im sure that he loves me in return.
good luck head high x
A
female
reader, MissesConfused +, writes (5 August 2009):
MissesConfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I just wanted to say thank you for everyone for giving out their good advice and it really helped me a lot. If I could hand out some sort of pastry treat I would, so I guess my gratitude will have to be enough.Anyway, here's a bit of an update for anyone who wants to read it.My boyfriend reassures me on a daily basis nowadays that he will wait until I'm ready to have sex, because he does love me. I'm going to go ahead and trust him on that since he's never really given me a reason to think he would ever lie to me. So, I'm still a virgin and still not ready to have sex.However, now I am now a bit more scared since I'm going to entering high school where I will have to deal with more of these situations. But I've been doing a whole lot of research on the subject and I'm studying how to deflect this form of peer pressure than I'm not comfortable with.So thanks again!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): im kinda with the first guy. why do you think your a freak its just that you arnt ready yet. its not that your not ready you just need to feel confident
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): NO,NO,NO,you're not a freak at all.There's a right and a wrong, and you're not wrong or a freak.Save it for marriage. You know, one out of 100 marry their first. The body and MIND are not ready for sex at such an early age, and that comes from Dr. Drew himself. Your friends,how many of them are realy doing it and how many of them are just talking about it? You know, once you cross that line, there's no going back, and how many of them will catch something or have a kid to screw up their lives and cut them short of being the person they realy be in life? you're too young, and just because your friends SAY they're doing it, does that make it right? I wonder that out of them that are REALLY having sex, how many regret it? I'd say it's quite a few. There's no rush on it
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reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (24 July 2009):
I'll keep this short - NO!At 15, no way... what you'll be at 17 is one of the few gals who's darn happy she waited unitl she was a bit older and ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): wait to have sex you will know when the right person comes along. later on in life guys prefer girls who have held on to the v card. i know people who have had sex and completely regretted it after. wait until you are ready because if you are not ready you will regret it. wait till someone you truly love comes along. and if your boyfriend says he's ok with it it normally means that he's ok with it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): The fact that everyone is doing it, does not mean that everyone won't be regretting it later.
And everyone is probably NOT doing it, either. Most studies show that when kids are sure "everyone" is doing some bad thing, it is probably being done by about half the students. Often less than half. This is true for smoking, sex, drugs, etc.
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female
reader, busy04 +, writes (24 July 2009):
 No sweetheart you are NOT a freak! You are very, very smart & courageous!
You have a case of peer pressure going on...
First of all, regardless of who's doing it around you & no matter how much you feel different...you are doing yourself a wonderful thing by not waiting to have sex, you should be very proud of yourself. And you're not the only one in the world taking that stand. Your friends seem very ignorant about sex. You don't have sex because others are doing it & it DOES NOT make you a woman/man! What makes you a woman/man are the responsibilities, choices, roads you take in your life, your mindset & self growth. Sex comes with pleasure (sometimes:), but it also comes with great, great consequence. You have to think about safety,STDs, HIV, AIDS, pregnancy, physical changes, more emotions and the list goes on & on. There is a lot to consider about sex, because some people (especially young people) are very promiscuous these days & go from one to the next without thought to themselves or others.
How do you know you're ready to have sex?
When you know that the time is RIGHT FOR YOU: and only you. No one can be the judge of that. You're ready when you don't let other people influence into doing it because they are You're ready when you feel as if the person you give yourself to, really wants you for more than just sex. You're ready when you understand all the things that go along with sex, the feelings & everything else that it brings. You should know certain things: does the person I'm with really love me? Do I love them? You'll know that you're ready when you don't doubt yourself. Of course you'll always wonder about the actual act, but you won't have that doubt in the back of your mind (you understand?:) And if you've decided that you want to wait until marriage, then you can be ready then: when marriage has taken place, when that special someone has come into your life & made a true commitment to you & you to him. A lot of people make immature & unstable decisions about sex. They get talked into it by friends, by boyfriends, seeing things on TV and so on, and they do it & soon regret it right after! Sometimes the person they slept with left them after they got what they wanted, or they didn't love the person like they thought. You don't want to be one of those people. So please, please don't listen to everyone else, you've made a choice...stick to it, don't be easily persuaded. And you are young, very young, so what's the rush? There is no law in the world that requires you to have sex now, you have a long life ahead of you, you aren't a on sex clock. You have an education to attain, a career to have...and plenty of time for sex.
And when you are fully ready, deep inside YOU WILL KNOW.
Are you a freak for crying because of kissing?
No...that's understandable, you were going through a lot of different feelings at the time.
Stay strong in your stand! Tell your friends to leave you alone about it. If they ask why you haven't had it, ask them why have they already done it? :)
Oh and the ex girlfriend...it is absolutely none of her business what goes on with you & your boyfriend. And for her to tell you about your boyfriend "acts" with her was out of her place! People will come up with all kinds of things to get your mind racing..."if you don't he'll leave you", she may be jealous of you...but if he leaves you because of sex, then he was never meant to be with you! Pay that hussy no mind! Don't pay anyone any mind...you know what YOU want to do :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): Wow, when I read the title to your question, I assumed you'd be at least 20 to be saying that...You said you feel strongly that you want to wait till you're married or in love. If he actually loves you like he says, he will be happy to wait to have sex with you. Personally I think it's quite a coincidence that you said you wanted to be in love to have sex, and only a month later he says he's in love with you. It might sound like everyone's had sex, but half of them are probably exaggerating or making things up to fit in with everyone else who's talking about it!Ok, now to try and answer your questions.1. I thought I was ready at 17, but I'd only been dating the guy for 6 months and after we slept together, I felt really self conscious around him, sort of (it's hard to explain) but we fell apart soon after that, so obviously I wasn't actually ready. You're right to want to be in love first, I learnt from experience that you need to feel a real, strong connection with him to have sex make your relationship stronger rather than weaker. If you're more nervous than excited at the idea of having sex with him, I think you're not ready. Also I think it would be good to explore each other's bodies first, over a few months, and get into hand/blow jobs and foreplay before you try sex. Just so you'll be more comfortable. 2. You're not a freak for crying. It sounds like all the pressure of what everyone else is doing just got to you while you were kissing. Especially since you'd just decided to take the relationship to the next level. Since that made you cry, it doesn't sound like you're ready yet. I suggest you wait and if he doesn't respect that, then I'm sorry but he's not worth you. How long have you been together? I'm 23 and I still don't sleep with a guy for 4-5 months usually because then you can tell if he wants you for you, not for sex.
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reader, Burns231 +, writes (24 July 2009):
Honestly I cant answer the first one accurately because i have not had sex before but I would think that its different for everyone (some wait until marriage, some wait for love, some on the first date, etc.) Only you will know when you are ready. Just listen to what is going on inside of your head next time you are in that situation and depending on how you feel you will know when you are ready. If you started crying when just kissing I would guess that you are not ready for this. Also if your age is accurate (13-15) I would say wait a little to see what you like in guys before you take that step with them. As for the second question I think I can answer that one accurately. I dont think you are a "freak" or anything like that. With the society we live in its only natural to want to have sex at an early age because it is the "cool" thing to do. After all its everywhere on TV, movies, music, advertisements, the internet, etc. But what they dont always show you on TV is what happens if you get pregnant, they only show you the fun side of it. I always looked at it like "who really cares?" So what if they have had sex before you, thats their lives and their choice. I would rather wait for the right person to come along rather than the first opportunity taht is presented to me. I think the wait would be worth more to me then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): to answer your questions:1) you do not start to cry before you are about to have sex.2)you are not a freak. your emotions reflected your level or readiness. to try to assimilate to shifting cultural standards will break your spirit, so be true to yourself and what you want for your deepest self, not to what other people think is 'normal.' 'normal' is an idea that changes all the time, like fashion. don't compromise yourself, your life, and your deepest happiness for something so trivial and transient.furthermore, what's the point of having sex so early? i know some people do, but, honestly, do you think he's going to be with you for a really long time? if not, then don't have sex with him. get the level of experience with him that you feel comfortable with (if it ends with just kissing, then that is fine!!!). if he leaves you because you don't have sex with him, then he's not right for you anyways. relationships usually (but not always) that lead to something more and bigger seem to happen once you've gotten out of high school anyways. you are still so young. give yourself alot of time to discover who you are and what you truly, on the deepest level, want to do with your life, before you put yourself at the risk of getting pregnant, stds, a seriously broken heart, or all of the three. you say he already has one ex who he had sex with...um...if he had sex with her and they broke up, what makes you think he will have sex with you and then the relationship will somehow last forever? he's a teenage boy! male sex hormones rage and rage until the mid twenties. sexual peaks for women happen in their mid their mid thirties. even if he loves you, he probably loves sex even more than you at this point in his life!!!! seriously!!!! sex isn't the only most important part of a lasting relationship anyways, and all of the break ups and failed marriages post coitus should be proof of that. sometimes the sex itself is what leads to the breakup because someone (like your boyfriend) has gotten what they want, the chase is over... so follow your heart and go with what feels the best for you-not in terms of fitting in, but what works most for you as a person-eventually, i guarantee you will be in a situation where you feel truly ready, and there will be no tears involved unless they are from happiness. from what you've written, i don't think this is the time for you to move it to the next level.
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