A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hiI've been on here afew times...but deleted my account for various reasons....I am in a very hard situation that I don't know what to do....Basically, my wife (married for 5.5 years) took an amazing job back in her own country (12hrs flight away distance)in 2006...I only agreed to this by framing a time limit to this job of 2 years as I wanted to start a family after that (she will be 35 this year and I am a few years younger). This is what we agreed between us, but she changed her mind recently and doesn't want to quit her job and come back to this country nor wants any childern until shes 38/39. We have been arguing/discussing/avoiding resolving our situation for 6 months. I have had enough of being dragged along while she enjoys her job and dedicates no time or effort to our marriage (she can't even find time everyday to email me anymore). I have supported her always with her job (helped her with her applications etc) and helped her financially to get started again but I feel used....left alone like an unloved toy. Now with the news that she doesn't want kids (biologically it will be near impossible and certainly dangerous for her, to have kids at 38/39), I have reached the end of my patience....I know I should let her go and start again and have told her this on many occasions...but I love oh so her dearly and I feel totally broken hearted, but torn between giving up on our marriage and accepting her broken promises and trying to adjust my life to suit her needs. I know logically that even if I moved out there with her (not counting that theres little chance of me finding a similar job out there due to language problems), I know she will dedicate little time to me or our marriage...she will work tirelessly all week and certainly some weekends and I will still feel unloved and alone. For example, the last time I went out there to celebrate our 5th anniversary, she decided to go into work for afew hrs instead of spending time with me on my holidays....even with all this, I am reaching out for some hope...She has already told me that she can't quit her job even if it means getting a divorce, even though she says she still loves me...am I a fool for waiting for her for so long already? Any advice? Is there anything I can do to make our marriage work?thanks in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi everyoneI thought I would update u on my situation...finally its ended...she wants a divorce and I have agreed...its clear that she doesn't care about me anymore...shes drifted and just wants to focus on her work and her new life.Its abit shocking...how someone can just forgot/ignore about the life they shared together...all in a matter of weeks...I just wonder if it actually meant anything to her...but its over...and I have to try to move forward....to find someone who actually wants to spend their life with me and appreciate me as a person.my only advice for others who are in or going to be in LDR....always maintain a joint target on what you want from the LDR and always agree an end to the LDR.All the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry to keep going round in circles...but it seems that even though i am trying to move out there with her, shes not sure she wants me anymore.
anytime I tell her something about me being sad/lonely then she reacts angrily, telling me that i shouldn't do these things and that she doesn't want this anymore....the tone of her voice is like that of utter annoyance.
i have nothing else that i can do to save this marriage....i can't even tell her how i feel anymore.
this is tearing me apart inside....i feel like i have been used by her and now she doesn't need me, has discarded me like rubbish.
how can i get over this pain?...any advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): I have to say, after reading your post and follow-up, I'd want a man like you (if it weren't for the fact that you live in the UK and i live in the US and my own boyfriend and whatnot)... my point, however, is that a sweet, caring, supportive guy like you can and wqill find another woman who WILL appreciate you and want to have your babies, so put a period on this part of your life, grieve if you have to, then be done with her... I'm sure you'll find a woman who will be as there for you as you are there for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell here i am again....not sure if anyone is around but i need to put down my thoughts somewhere to relieve some feelings....
...after the good advice you all gave last time, i decided to try again with my wife and started to search for a transfer with my company to move out there with her. But her response has been cold to say the least.....she keeps grumbling at me that she can't promise anything even if i move out there with her...she says she now definitely doesn't want kids anymore (changed her mind again from 38/39)...she says shes even worried about feeling pressure of having to return home from work if i go and live with her again......i'm so sad...my worst fears have surfaced...i am not needed anymore by her...she says she loves me but shes so cold and uncaring its beyond me how inhuman she currently is....
i feel cheap and used by her...when we met she was suffering from ptsd and severe depression....i loved her, stood by her and helped her back on her feet. i wasn't perfect but i always tried my best to help her get her pride and job career back after her ptsd incident...but now i am not needed no more and shes just discarding me away. i can't understand how a person can change their attitude so quickly and act so selfishly.......i feel low
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for everyones views....
even if i want to get out there and live with her again one last time, it wouldn't be that quick to get some exchange out there even in my current company....secondments are slow moving beasts.
to be honest, I think that I have waited around long enough and been let down and hurt enough times by her. There is one big financial situation that we need to sort out before starting the paperwork as it would be very messy to deal with after separating.....but after that is done, I will start the divorce.....
not sure how to break it to my family....my dads has terminal cancer and this will make him even more sad.....it seems like that i will lose 2 people that i love in my life...2009 sucks....but all i can do is look forward to a better 2010 and onwards eh!
thanks again all
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I think you could ask your employer for some extended leave and go there for a holiday or work experience in the form of an exchange within your company. Why upsticks and find there is nothing for you? Actually I think I would do the holiday thing and get out there fast. I am not sure whether she will be pleased to see you...she has a hell of a lot of proof to offer that she is worth it and I think she sounds too selfish. YOu can say you are wiling to give it one last chance, if she sounds like she doesn't care, doesn't really want to go or is not nice to you, just forget it. There is no point in trying if she does not agree before you leave, to make an effort. In fact that would be a stipulation if it were me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I should add, is it really fair to the child or you if your wife has no time for the family???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Yes, I think it's worth one last try to move near her. Then you can say you did all you could to save the marriage:)
You could be a stay home dad too.? It's more common now.
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A
female
reader, steffi666 +, writes (2 February 2009):
Yes your a fool, a sweet caring fool but thats what they tend to be. Any relationship is 50/50 and that doesnt seem to count for your darlin little wife who lives her own life and does what she pleases regardless of you and your feelings . life is short you should live it as you want im shore it wouldnt take you long to find a kind caring women who wants the same things in life as you, and that would treat you with the respect you treat her. The main thing is to be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your kind advice....I just got one more query that I would like your opinions on.
I am thinking of going to live out there (_IF_ I can get a job over there with my current company) and give our marriage one last shot. If I feel that its not going to work (eg. she puts no effort into our marriage) then I will start divorce proceedings.
BUT I am worried that I am just grasping for hope that isn't there.....as some of you have said, I have been too subservient in our marriage and not stood by the words I have said to her.
is it worth it?
(sorry if this sounds like a really stupid question, but it has been going round my head the last few days and I need someone else' perspective)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): No one says on their death bed, "I wish I would've stayed at the office longer" It's the relationships (and kids), we wish we would've spent more time investing.I think your wife will deeply regret this. She's married to her job, and it's not much of a well-rounded life.I'm sorry your going through this...but I think it's time for her to make a choice. You deserve to be loved and any man that's happy to have children SHOULD be a father. There's one more thing I should bring up, is it possible she's involved with a man from her job? To go to the office late at night when you are visiting from miles away just doesn't seem right...I really hope I'm wrong...You'll be o.k. We're supporting you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): I found out that it takes two to make a marriage work you did for her why can't she do for you. I think us men take it so much harder when our marriage is in trouble. Only you know what you and her have but if she doesn't want the same thing as you are you willing to accept that and love her the way she is.? Even if it means that your not happy only her.
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female
reader, Mels  +, writes (2 February 2009):
Is this even close to being a marriage? You are far apart, she has no time to email you and goes to work when you are there for a short amount of time... She doesn't want to give you kids (nothing guarantee you that when she is 38 or 39 she will really want kids) and anyway onceshe had kids she should leave this job and live with you again, right? She even told you quite clearly what her priorities are, that even at the cost of your marriage, her job comes first.
I know it will be extremely painful for you but don't you think you deserve better and that you want to live with your wife?
If I were you, I would tell her that this siuation can't go on forever.
I have been through something similar with my ex hubby, he said he didn't want kids yet (we lived together) and that was only a way to drive me away from him because he no longer loved me but didn't have the guts to admit it.
This may not be your case but your wife has got her priorities and you don't seem to be number 1 on her list.
Don't you think you deserve a lot more? It sounds as if, right now, this marriage is giving you nothing but grief.
Think hard, if you want to stay in it and remember that she might end it if she meets somebody else (you are leading separate lives right now) and you will have wasted your time in her. Just talk to her openly about what you want and expect and see if she is willing to compromise a little and meet some of your needs to, if not I would go. But that is me, only you know what you are prepared to put up with.
Good luck
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male
reader, The old Man?  +, writes (2 February 2009):
 You're in a very bad situation! She has already told you that she would not quit her job, even if it means divorce.
With her putting no effort into your marriage, it's obvious that you are wasting your time!
You are wasting your life waiting for someone who cares about them self, more than they do you! While you're living in misery, she's moved on with her life.
My recommendation is to focus on yourself. I realize that you love her dearly.
You can rip the band aid off now, or continue dragging things along, and end up with the same results.
In essence, you are married to a stranger, and in love with an image.
I wish I could be all full of sunshine and happiness, but her words are far from encouraging.
Having a long distance relationship is just inviting a train wreck!
BOTH people have to be on the same page,have the same goal in mind, and that is to be together, not work their way apart!
Seek happiness elsewhere. You deserve to have someone who is there for you, and you for her. Someone to come home to each night, and share your lives with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): You have the answers you need and frankly deserve better. I would like you to get a book called "Love must be tough" Look it up on line, it springs up straight away on searches.
It is a proper book, noy a whacky self-help one. True guidance and real words from people who know. The key to sorting this situation out is getting back some say and some control in what is happening here.
At the moment what she says goes and she knows if she wanted you, you would roll over and lift up your soft underbelly to be kicked. I know you love her but hanging on won't help you and I strongly feel you have to be tough on your own behalf.
She has no respect for you and seems to take the lead in conducting her own life. It may seem slim chances but just about the only way you will impresss her now is to tell her she is free to go, make her take the decision to divorce and face that hard fact. Tell her you have no faith in her feelings any more and you know you deserve better for your life. The only thing is you have to believe that to be true, saying it once and crumbling will lose you the whole argument.
You can say if she decides that she wants to make it work with you you may not know how you feel anyway. Read the book and have faith. If you stand stong and lose you won't have kept her anyway. Being subservient is a complete guarantee that this won't be won. It HAS to be your terms too or the message you give out shows little self protection or respect. Don't rush this, get the book and take it step by step.
Finally, there are many good women out there who would love the chance of being loved by someone like you and I know you will be happy even if this part of your life is awful. Have faith in what you deserve and reach for that, no compromises.
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