A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having to ask advice for the first time in a while, a few years ago I got a divorce. It wasn't a good marriage and we would offen argue and both got physical once or twice.There have been few problems and the settlement was fairly amicable.I have had no contact with my ex whatsoever or her with me. Life has changed and I have a lovely girlfriend now. I have no hard feelings about the past and I have been happy that my ex and I have never had any run-ins, until now!I was sitting in a bar reading the paper waiting for a friend and a man stopped along side me and said you are ,and then he said my name! I didn't recognise him, I told him this but was suprised he knew my name!He then said I used to teach you Karate! I replied I have never done Karate!He said my name again and held his hand out to shake it! I obliged and then began to realise that he was squuezing my hand very very tightly!He then said" by the way I am your ex-wive's boyfriend!"To which I replied "pleased to meet you!"It was only after the event I thought that this sounded sarcastic!He was with a male friend and for a moment my heart raced as I had visions of him using his karate skills!This has left me feeling quite worried. He had a very aggresive manner and he seemed the sort of person who might relieve some against, on me! I am also worried for any reprocussions this will have on my present relationship as my girlfriend gets a bit jealous when the past is mentioned. Had my ex exagerated tales of creulty? I am starting to think about how secure my house is and ways of defending myself and others if i need to!Should I tell anyone, or will this be like fanning the flames if word gets around?Am I a coward?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 October 2008):
 Under the circumstances I think you behaved admirably. You weren't to know who he was and when you found out you gave a mature and courteous answer so well done there. He probably would never have spoke with you if he was on his own, he needed a "mate" beside him so if anyone's the coward here I'd say he was!
Rise above this, mention it to your girlfriend in casual conversation then carry on with your life. There are two sides to every story and I have no doubt that your ex has exaggerated to him the negative points in your relationship but that's only natural to make her look better. And of course HE will no doubt tell your ex he met you and exaggerate to the extreme what really happened at your meeting. Don't let this unpleasant experience unnerve you, forget all about it.
If you are worried about ways of defending yourself with anyone (not just this creep), then why don't you and your girlfriend sign up for a self defence class. Do it together! It's fun and it keeps you fit and of course you'll both learn ways to defend yourselves if the need ever arises.
~Eve~
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (4 October 2008):
 No you're not a coward, you're just not into throwing your weight around like an immature thug!
I would let it go for now though, but tell your girlfriend about that incident. Then if anything happens in the future, atleast she cant say you didn't tell her. It wasn't like you asked for it, he approached you, so to be honest if your girlfriend kicks off about it, you can be sure its her with a problem there not you!
Your ex possibly has exagerated the past, people tend to, we probably all do to a certain extent. Whats she gonna say..yes me and my ex used to get a bit physical with each other. I doubt it! She will of painted herself in a better light than that! But thats no reason for him to kick off at you. And its really not in his interest to drag up the past is it. And its blatant that if you and her hadn't split, he wouldn't of ended up with her, so yours twos past isn't gonna be of all that much interest to him as long as he has her.
It almost sounds like he thinks he's something special man wise, big rough n tough guy, and its all a kinda warning to tell you to stay away from her. Which i'm sure you are happy to do anyway! Its a shame you didn't have your girlfriend with you, that would of put his mind at rest a bit more. Take it as a compliment too though! She must talk about you a lot for him to be uneasy about you!
Just play it by ear for now.
C xxxxxx
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