A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I met this girl (we are both 28) when she came to my country on a two month vacation. She was attractive, beautiful and smart (basically the opposite of me ? ) but anyway, we got on well together and things got serious towards the end of her stay (serious in that we were having lots of sex and talking about stuff). So anyway, when she left I was kind of sad, but was ready to just leave it all behind. However, when she arrived in her homeland, she called my mobile phone straight away just to see how I was doing, and asking me to come online to chat later etc. So I did. And I noticed her get a little jealous and desperate that she was there (in her crumby dormitory) and I live in a big beachside mansion with my family (which was probably another reason she liked me).So after a week, I thought I cant let this continue in this fashion, so offered to go over to her country for a month long holiday around Christmas. So in the first of the two months apart, she insisted that we talk every day and was sending me presents in the mail and getting upset if I was busy or something, basically just being a bit clingy which I didn’t really mind. I don’t know what mistake I made, but as soon as I booked all the hotels and plane tickets (after this initial month) the second month she started to become a bit less clingy. Still we talked every day, and she said it was because of her schooling becoming stressful, but I don’t know. But I’d already booked everything so had to go I guess, and she kept telling me she wanted me to come, but I could just sense something. So anyway a week before I went over, we were talking and she told me about this nightclub she went to, so a few days later I checked out this night club and photos of the place, and saw quite a few photos of her and some bloke on that night. They didn’t have their toungues down their throats but my guts told me something. So I arrived in her town, and when I got the chance checked her emails, and found that she brought him back to his room that night. It was just a one-night thing, and he was some young 22 year old. The email stated that they were kissing a lot, but that’s all, and the email was to a friend of hers. The funny thing is I spoke to her on skype 3 hours after all this happened ? when I recollected. So anyway, I staid there for the remainder of the trip, had Christmas with her family, had quite a bit of sex with her (some in public places ? ) and she was really affectionate towards me.Now I didn’t tell her then, cause I thought I may as well make the most of the holiday and then dump her at the end. Well actually she could tell there was something wrong, and I don’t really think it would have mattered if I just dumped her. But I waited a month after I got back home, we were still sending daily emails, and then she sent me a birthday present in the mail. I wanted to have some fun, cause I felt like she really screwed with me. So I set up a fake email account using her name, and sent this guy an email, saying how good that night was and I wanna do it again. Then he replied, and I forwarded the message to her and told her I knew all along blab bla. And I said some pretty horribale things to her. My question is am I a bad person ? and if she contacts me again, wtf should I do, cause I don’t think I love her, but I think she has a few problems and Is in a bad situation and if I can help her as a friend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so months have gone by, and all of the sudden, this bitch sends someone in my family a birthday card!! Seriously what the heck is wrong with some people??
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i know im not an idiot :) thanks. Like i said I'll leave it at that. I've found out quite a few things about her which basically don't paint a good picture about her, but she is out of my mind now thank christ. The funny thing is she told me my life isn't really moving forward :) -- again offense, when she hasn't even worked in 2 years and has no currents job prospects, never had a serious job, no savings, no boyfriend, and is about to move back with her parents :), And I been working full-time for 7 years since the age of 22 in high positions. Also told me i was a good case for a psych analysis, and that she is glad i ended contact with her :) So when she is flat on her ass in 2 months time, and if i know her well enough, she'll come back to me looking for an escape cause she'll have no one else, she will have to live with it.
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female
reader, snowqueen  +, writes (28 March 2011):
Thanks for the follow up. Don't feel bad how it ended. The best defense is a good offense ( for some people : ) She knew she made an ass out of herself, so she got mad to cover up her embarrassment. You're a nice guy. You should be careful with the "friendship" and "helping out" because ?A. You may lead her on. B. She will just use you.C. You deserve a better woman.D. You are not an idiot.E. All of the above.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I apologised to her, and said basically the way in which i handled this issue was stupid. She accepted my apology, and asked who told me, what they told me and why they told me (i forgot to mention that i told her one of her friends informed me). I told her no one told me, that i just worked it out my self, and that again i was sorry for the way i handled it, but the honest truth was that this relationship was over before i even got there. If she wanted to be honest with me she could, and that i wouldnt get angry. She said i already told you what i had to say, and good luck with everything. I still felt this ended badly, was playing on my conscience, so three and a half weeks later i emailed her and said, 'how's it going', and if she had found an internship yet, if she wanted some help, i could get help from X in the related field where she is trying to get a job.I said if she was applying for jobs in X and so on she should contact X for help. I just wanted to see if there was anyway of staying friends and helping her. She replied the next day that she is doing well, hope im fine, a few more things and that she might write to Xbut i dont think she will, so ill just leave it at that. Anyway, at least i tried and now i can move on and find someone who is a little more grounded, i hope.
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female
reader, snowqueen +, writes (6 March 2011):
Ha ha it's messed up, snooping and tricking.. but a lesson was needed. I don't think its that bad, I could see myself doing what you did given the situation. Bad person? Please, no way! Anyway, if you want to continue with her you could apologize and say sorry it wasn't the best thing to do, but you got jealous because you care, and you did travel all the way to see her! To spend the holidays! She could have told you about the other guy. And tell her look, Im not the type of guy you will be able to lie to. That's just the way it is. Take it or leave it. And if she wants something more with you, she needs to make up her mind and take you seriously. Or just to let you know that this isn't really going anywhere. You'll be fine either way. You are not insecure or paranoid, you just care and want to make sure you're investing your feelings, time and emotions into the right woman. Is she ? If you still care then ask her. If she really cares about you too, she won't grill you about her privacy, she will probably end up apologizing to you. I think she should! You're such a snoop and email faker! : ) good luck, hope this helps.
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female
reader, snowqueen +, writes (5 March 2011):
Ha ha it's messed up, snooping and tricking.. but kinda funny what you did though. Anyway, if you want to continue with her you could apologize and say sorry it wasn't the best thing to do, but you got jealous because you care, and you did travel all the way to see her! To spend the holidays! She could have told you about the other guy. And tell her look, Im not the type of guy you will be able to lie to. That's just the way it is. Take it or leave it. And if she wants something more with you, she needs to make up her mind and take you seriously. Or just to let you know that this isn't really going anywhere. You'll be fine either way. You are not insecure or paranoid, you just care and want to make sure you're investing your feelings, time and emotions into the right woman. Is she ? Ask her. If she really cares about you too, she won't grill you too much about her privacy, she will probably end up apologizing to you. I think she should. You're such a snoop and email faker! : ) good luck, hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Thanks for the update on details. I tend to think she probably has cheated to 'get in first' At heart I wonder if she is a lady that needs to be loved and shown some respect.
If you think that you are the person to do that for her and romance her and win her affection, it could actually work out quite well couldn't it?
Unless you don't respect her or like her enough.
It's true peoples past behaviour is an indicator of character. However it sounds to me that she is trying to find some stability and where she fits in life - ie the presents and attention are a fairly big giveaway.
People (unless really deranged and she probably is not in this category) do settle down under anothers influence.
There is nothing wrong with this so long as you don't go all out to change them but try and inspire them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah well in terms of exclusivity, I we both agreed not to get into relationships during the two months, I agree with most of your comments that I acted In a stupid way, thanks I just wanted to get some opinions. Maybe I should have been upfront as soon as I kew, but I work full time in a stressful job, and I just wanted to continue my holiday since id already booked and paid for hotels. I could have travelled around a bit by myself but there was a plan to stay in her family home for a week over christmas, and i had no where else to stay at that time. Also, she has done this on a number of occasions with other guys, that is cheating on them, or finding another guy and then leaving for no real reason except for getting bored. I guess I didnt want to let this happen to me, and also wanted to maybe teach her a lesson so that she could introspect a little. And the other thing that was quite annoying was that she used to go on about trust and how important it was, and how she dispised guys with girlfriends who would flirt with her and how scumy they were. Anyways, I dont know, i know i was in the wrong, and i stooped to her level, but i dont thing i was realy that bad in reality. Apart from the emotional angst was the fact that due to missed work and the cost of everything, this set me back maybey 12k.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): If you don't love her then move on. If you love her then you need to seriously look at behaving properly, you both do. It doesn't souund as if either of you have set good boundaries in this relationship. She is clearly a bit insecure and did not know where she stood with you, which explains the presents and affection.
And the fling she had, was probably for confidence, I suspect she wants a relationship with you but doesn't know how to have one or how she fits in your life.
You are both in different countries for a start then there is the complication of one person having more money or more stability than the other.
If you can sort out those two things then you could have a relationship, otherwise I'd just forget it.
But you would have to apolgise first and win her trust for your immature behaviour over the e-mail.
It is not cool and she sounds like a fairly decent person who was not quite getting what she needed from you to be honest. I'm not sure if she has problems or not but then you should not have judged her.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I understand your need for getting even, but I think it's still a pretty lame thing to do. First of all, going through her e-mail is invasion of privacy. Totally not cool. And illegal as well.
Dude, you were a vacation fling! From what you wrote I didn't see you saying anything about the two of you being exclusive, yet she should have been honest with you. And YOU should have been honest with her once you knew, not dragging it out to get some sex and a birthday present out of it. Really.
I seriously doubt she will ever contact you again. And I'm not so sure you are capable of being a good friend to her.
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female
reader, StarryEyes101  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I agree, it was quite devious of you. Leave her where she is. You don't love her. If she has problems i'm sure she can ask other people for help. Don't go back to her.
Hope this helps
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 March 2011):
 If she hasn't contacted you than you should leave it at that. To be honest its not polite to set people up and what you did was not nice. To everyone there own I guess, I think it would be best to leave things how they are and do not try to contact her, if she hasn't tried getting a of you by now she probably won't and it is best to leave things alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Just draw a line under it. It was basically a holiday romance that withered and died. Perhaps you should have set the record straight while you were with her. Anyway, what's done is done. Have no more contact with her beyond her knowing it's over. I would not get into any recriminations. Just leave it at that.
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