A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years and what seemed to be the most wonderful and amazing realtionship has slipped away from us. When we met, he said he did not even find me attractive, but fell in love with me and see everything beautiful about me once he started to love me. This was strange for me, since most guys always found me attractive. Our realtionship was great, everyone would always call us the perfect couple. We have been living together for 3 years now and things have gotten so bad that right now while I am writing this he has been laying down trying to sleep for the past 2 hours just to avoid me (this is not an assumption he said this before going to bed). We used to have a great sexual realtionship, and could not keep our hadns off of eachother. We used to find dark alleyways and hide behind trucks to have quickies because he was so turned on by me. He knew my previous boyfriend (first love) had cheated on me, and I was very insecure about who I trust, and had little faith in guys. He assured me that he hates porn and cheaters as much as I (someone who was cheated on!) does. Since then we have built a life together, and we share a bank account and house and friends and virtually everything. I had recently found a lot of porn on his phone, and he somehow tried to deny it.. while focusing on that it was "a month ago". What really hurts me is, I was getting up at 4 am to go to work at a coffee shop (he has insomnia and possibly depression I dunno but he can't work)to pay our rent and support us, and while I was doing that he was waking up at 2 am leaving my side and downloading porn onto his phone to jerk off to pictures of other women! I was so mad, it bought back so many bad memories of my ex who had cheated on me before. This was especially hurtful since I am always trying to have sex with him, and he ALWAYS has a reason as to why he cant. And if I try to insist on it he makes me feel guilty by saying "oh you know I'm sick, I don't sleep at night, oh I'm seeing a psychiatrist I can't beleive youre doing this". When i asked him about him being perverted and wathcing porn and lusting after other girls, he says I used to do this when we first went out, but now I love yout oo much to do this. But when we were first going out part of the reason I agreed was ebcause he assured me and swore to god and his mother and his word that he is not this type of person. He tells our friends of the girls he likes (dark eyes, black hair, very jennifer love hewitt type of look), while I have light brown hair with green eyes and am short.. not the jennifer love hewitt type of look. I had so many guys who would love my green eyes, my petite physique, but he doesnt even look at me on the rare occasion that we are having sex! I have never felt so ugly in my life as I do now. The worst part is, he doesn't like me to wear makeup, tank tops, shorts skirts or anything close to sexy even in front of our best friends, let alone outside. He picks fights with me over everything and anything! Even when I try to look for jobs he gets annoyed, yet when it comes to spending money he has no problems, and gets mad at me and calls me out in front of our friends for being cheap! I am 21 and styding to be a personal trainer and he went as far as to say I cant consult with any male clients! When Ia sked him (he is becoming a doctor), what of all the female patients he will be seeing and even having to do breast exams for, eh said its DIFFERENT. Today I told him I will be buying my books for class, and he got mad and weird, saying he will download themf or me. When It old him I want the books as reference for when i am working, he said "What hapepned to you being cheap?". WHAT? He can go to the movies with our friends and ditch me while I am on my period suffering but I cant use the money I get from financial aid, unemployment, and my mothers monthly contributions on buying books??? I don't know what to do. I lost it and told him 40% of my stress comes from him arguing with me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am 21 years old, I want to have fun, have sex, feel attractive and have money. He does not want to go out, "cannot" have sex due to his insomnnia, and cannot work also because of his insomnia. He is a good person, and very smart, and I love his family and he would never abuse me or let anything bad happen to me, but he does not know how to treat me. He makes me feel low, unattractive, annoying, jealous and like a child. He treats everyone else great, but does either cannot see or doesnt care to change how bad he is treating me and making me feel. What should I do? I really love him, and our lives are so far integrated that I don't know if I can leave him (we share everything, where would I live? What about our money.. the bank account is in his name.. I am sure he will take everything since whenw e broke up for a day he disconnected my cell phone that we share our plan on in the first hour!)? What should I do? Talking to him only makes it worse, and he makes me feel bad for being unhappy with our realtionship and gets mad at me. I hate the tension, and end up apologizing just to have him hold me and kiss me because that is the only thing that can make me feel better. Also, he does not like my any of my friends, one of them he does not like because she is sexually adventerous and he feels she is a "bad influence", my other best friend is gay, and he is homophobic and does not like that my friend is sexual around me (dances sexuala nd makes sexual jokes). What should I do? Please someone give me some advice because I feel like I will end up killing myself with all this pain and emptyness that I am feeling. I know he is seeing a psychiatrist because he feels depressed and low, and he cannot sleep at night. I do not want to abandon him in his time of need. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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best friend, broke up, cheap, cheated on me, depressed, fell in love, I love you, insecure, jealous, money, my ex, period, petite, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Serious crises like these are not possible to explain easily. He, your husband, is in the midst of a serious crisis that has drawn everything about him into it.First, you need to step back and not do anything like "opening secret accounts". You have to decide if you want to have the marriage survive, if you do, then you have to figure out what is going on.You can't do that alone, and you can't do that with secrets of any type, financial or otherwise. The only thing that will work is to go to counseling, and open up entirely...and I do mean entirely. This is devastatingly difficult. Most couples don't make it this far. It usually takes months and then only with a good counselor and only when both of the people feel safe opening up.On a personal aside, my wife couldn't do this, until the 4th counselor, and only after 6-7 months with that counselor.But, what resulted was worth it."he is becoming a doctor"Lots of people who have serious emotional issues are drawn to become doctors. They frequently have lots of childhood issues, and your husband sounds very insecure. This didn't come from nowhere. Forget his female clients, when men go through medical school all sorts of women throw themselves at them (because medical schools and hospitals are full of women who think it would be cool to marry a doctor. He needs to get help now or you won't survive with him.
A
female
reader, scotty1963  +, writes (2 March 2011):
imreally sorry your feeling like this could i ask you how old your husband is.have you sat down and asked him why hes feeling like this and have you spoke to him about hes making you feel. if it was me i would be very hurt and upset to but i would tell my husband he needs to get some help as watching porn is very insulting to a woman have you asked him if he loves you and why hes not spending any time with you
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 March 2011):
 You can not cave to all his tantrums sorry but you have to take a stand for you. You have to open your own secret account because incase of a breakup the way that you make him sound he will leave you with nothing but the clothes on your back. You don't have to leave him because obviously he is going through a depression but he doesn't have to bring you down with him and unfortunately many people with depression feel miserable and want everyone around them to be as meserable as them. But you do indeed need to take a stand. Don't let yourself get bully or manuipulated into doing only what he wants because your your own person.
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