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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: hi,i am not sure how to ask this. i have a boyfriend. lately it has not been smooth. we argue a lot and i get offended too much.in my relationship, it is getting so bad. he usually will be sweet if he ever offend or hurt me and convince me he didn't mean it. but now, he just turn his back. he just don't bothered to make me happy no more. i wanted to talk, but all he said was that he want no argument for two weeks. but i just can't help it. i wanted to tell him i feel lonely and i feel he is distant from me and this is hurting me so much. but i never really able to talk to him much or long enough cuz we both work at different hours.then one night, we both were tired from work and my inconsiderate house mates having a loud party which kept us awake. both me and my boyfriend snapped. i raised my voice and i gave him a small punch on arm (i hardly doubt it was painful cuz i always do that whenever we were fooling around). believe me, i was really frustrated with him cuz he gave no reaction and no respond to all the things i said. i mention that he is being more and more distant, still he turned his back. that is why i gave him a small punch which is actually meant to be a push so he be more cooperative with me. he got pissed off and started to leave, but i begged him not to leave and he stayed. my question first is, am i such a bad girlfriend? cuz he thinks i am. i respect him but i raised my voice and gave him a punch the other day. i just want him to cooperate. this problem does not go away by itself, therefore we cannot just ignore it.and my 2nd question is, are we actually ok? or should we break it off? cuz honestly, i don't know. i am fed up with this problem, but i do love him.please advice me on this..thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi,
thank you all.. you all are right. i shouldn't have gave him a punch, no matter a light or a hard one. i never thought it was a big offense coming from a girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): male or female never deserves to get his in a relationship he's a serious person I bet. Look you need to ask yourself this question. Do you start to argue with him for little things that aren't wort argueing and if he is already distant you will end up pushing him away if you keep acting the way you do. He doesn't want to hear you say that you feel he is being distant with you. He may have his reason and I am sure if anybody gave me a little holler and a punch I'd be distant to and would want some time off. Try to improve with your anger.
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female
reader, cnith  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Didn't your momma tell you not to hit people? Totally counteractive... I understand you're frustrated but hitting is never a solution, even playfully. Soon that playful hitting turns into actual as frustration grows. Not cool. If I were your bf I would have left no matter how much you begged which means he must still care/love you.That being said, try to talk things out when both of you are NOT tired. When you're tired things get way worse. I recently had a potential bitchfight with my bf because he was half asleep (he had a huge ass long day) and I was over emotional over a death. Things went from unpleasant to almost bitchfight in a few moments until I said we need to table this until after we've both slept and I feel better. Ie. not so emotional. As a girl, you know how hard it is to stop being emotional...*ahem*Later we were able to talk about things without it going overboard. It helped that he was rested and I was OK.Right now, it sounds like you tried talking at the wrong time. And yes I knwo you have bad schedules but you need to find a time to talk when both of you are awake and alert. Not tired and/or cranky.Tell him, I need to tell you some things I'm feeling. I don't think it's bad, but it is important. Can you please make some time to discuss this? I really need to get it off my chest. I promise I won't yell or hit you. (and be truthful, please.)When you start getting frustrated tell him you need a break and walk away. Come back when you're calm again. It's going to be rough, I know, but you have to...otherwise it makes him feel like you're scolding him and no one wants to hear that. Imagine how you would feel if someone talked to you the way you talk to him and then on top of that they hit you because you were just trying to get away and couldn't.Is it better to break it off? Maybe... but only if one of you is no longer interested in talking about it and working on the problems. Sounds to me like he still cares. Try it again, but most of all STAY CALM. Don't yell. Don't hit.
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female
reader, female old lady +, writes (1 May 2010):
I agree that there should not be a double standard in regards to any physical moves between a couple. If you wouldn't want to be 'pushed' or 'punched', then you should not take that action either.You sound needy to me....like you think that any time you've been 'hurt or offended' by some action of his, he should make it up to you. And you expect him to be real sweet and 'try and make you happy.' And if he doesn't then he is 'withdrawing.' That's a lot of stuff to put on someone else in a relationship.I have some bad news for you....after all these years on this planet, one truth I am certain of is no one can "make" you happy! Only you are capable of learning how to be happy with your life, or not. So don't expect other people to bring that about. It won't happen in a healthy relationship.Now we all can do things that are disrespectful to another or can bother another person from time to time. But often that is just the differences in two people. Don't expect someone to do and behave exactly the way you do. It's too much to ask. Save your comments or requests for things that are really important for relating the way you want to in a relationship. That way your boyfriend isn't feeling like everything he does is a problem. Cause if it does feel that way to you....time to move on hun.
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male
reader, UncleDoug +, writes (1 May 2010):
Hi,
You stated in your post that you do love your boyfriend. I will assume that he also actually does love you. In a successful relationship each person feels free to express themselves, their inner-most feelings, their fears, and when something is bothering them. If these lines of communication do not exist (or are not open,) a person may act out, ignore the other, and show anger to hide the fact that they are afraid, shamed, or feeling negatively. The important key here is to show understanding, and not respond in kind; otherwise, the disagreement will escalate with both sides ignoring, yelling, hitting or otherwise destroying your ability to effectively communicate. Someone must push their own ego aside and be the first person to gently approach the other and establish a line of communication. You want to establish a safe zone for the other person to express themselves, just listen, and not be judgmental or deride your lover when they express what is troubling them. After he reveals what is troubling him, perhaps you will understand why he has been acting poorly.
You are actively seeking help to rectify your situation; therefore, you are acting like a good girlfriend. Only you can make the determination as to whether or not you should remain with your boyfriend. Perhaps you will be able to make this decision after you find out what is troubling him.
Good Luck,
UncleDoug
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 I understand your frustration, some times we feel we really need to talk to somebody and tjis somebody is as receptive as a stone wall and that drives you nuts.
Yet, I feel it's not acceptable tryng to get somebody's attention by yelling and punching. It does not matter if you did not hurt him, it's the gesture per se that crosses
boundaries. I guess your bf felt the same as me.
As for your question if you should break it off, it's difficult to answer because you are the only one who knows that if you'll suffer more being without him or being with him and fighting all the time. All I can say is that all problems can be fixed but only if both partners really want that and this does not seem to be yr bf's case
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