A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend that I had a brief liaison with but she ended it and we decided to be friends. This was about a year ago. At first things where ok. I struggled with feelings and had my moments because she really hurt me. But I am better (well I still do have my moments tbh but not regarding feelings, mainly about the pain) We've mentioned how much we're best friends but these last 3 months it has just seemed to have faded. We used to speak all the time via phone or email. We work at the same company but at different locations so we would speak often about work but also just call for a chat, the same with email. She would also visit my branch twice a month and we'd have lunch together. I'd look forward to it as we rarely see each other.Now its so different. She only calls if she needs me for something work related and her emails have dried up except for again something work related. She even asks general questions such as 'Hope you are ok' then launches into what she needs. She only comes into the office occasionally and its usually because she has to rather than just to see me which used to be the case, we don't even lunch together. We used to go out for dinner after work or to gigs. Not any more. I feel more like a colleague these daysI know she is busy, and I mean mega busy. And she has stuff going on outside of work such as buying a new house and other friends (who she has claimed are just acquaintances in the past yet she sees them more than me). But as I say nowadays I just feel like a work buddy except for the rare occasions where she does show some attention. I feel undervalued and the friendship is one sided/on her terms.I have raised it several times this year but I'm not very good at getting my point across and she usually wins the argument which makes me feel guilty, stupid and upset. At the end of the argument she says she will try harder but she never does or at least only for a week. I used to have high expectations but I've lowered them to pretty much 0 now.The thing is her indifference has made me a bad friend, I don't like who i am around her. I've become needy, I buy her gifts to win her affection which she accepts (though she called me materialistic during one of our arguments). I'm also moody and probably not very much fun to be aroundIn the last 2 months I have seen her 3 times and barely spoken to her. I stopped contacting after our last argument in Feb when she said she would try harder in the hope that she would...she didn't though I feel bad for testing her, perhaps i should have called.Should I get in touch? Be more understanding that shes busy and possibly she will find time for me eventually? I feel so angry because I'm a lone wolf and I opened up to her, I gave her everything i could as a friend but its not enough. She warned me that shes not a good friend, sometimes its like an excuse to say its ok that she sucks as a friend and I keep thinking I'd be the exception, that she would try but she doesn't. Today I decided to call it quits because its been driving me insane for the last month. I had to go to her office for a meeting and thought I'd swing by her desk just to briefly say hi and to see if I feel when I look upon her that this friendship is worth saving. I just felt anger when I saw her, I could not think of anything to say, its as though the person I fell for, but later regarded as a close friend has just gone. I couldn't look her in the eye We hadn't seen each other or spoken, I expected more of a reception but nope. Even more I would of though that my behavior would have raised a question about the way I was acting. NopePerhaps she does hold me in high regard but isn't the sharing type, maybe she is too busy. I just don't want to raise it and feel completely stupid again because its an endless cycle. And I weighs on my mind constantly. Shes moved around a lot and I get the impression that she feels people come and go, nothing lasts forever etc etc, so its though she just shrugs and thinks ah well his problem cant be assed.I agreed sometime ago to go to a gig with her because she had no one to go to, I don't like the band but I didn't want her to miss it. I wish I wasn't going then I wouldn't have to see her again so it can all fade out but its not until July. As mentioned I've decided to call it quits, or at least downgrade her as a friend to just a work buddy. I'm tired of being angry at her, its not healthy.I miss how it was.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the responses, i really appreciate that you took the time to read my rant.Theres definately some very valid points in there. Even Mr Wombat. I re read my post and it does sound like its going no where.It would be hard to totally cut this person out simply because we work together. And if I started to respond to her work related requests in an abrupt manner I would be treating her even less than a colleague and its also unprofessional. I have been making an effort to keep myself busy, actually I'm very busy outside of work, I would always make time for friends mind! Also in work I'm been making an effort to speak to people that are sat around me in order that I don't dwell on my friend. Some have become good friends. Not to the point where we're going to be BFFs hehe, but I do enjoy their company and it certainly makes the day go faster.Chocoholicforever. Thanks for the options it helps :) I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts and giving myself options. I think a combination of 1 and 3. As mentioned I can't sever ties with this person because of work, but I definatly think I need to let go of it, detach myself emotionally and just let her live her life. I have my own things going on that I need to deal with too so perhaps at this moment in time we don't need each other. And if the friendship is rekindled then great but if not at least I've removed myself emotionally to not care so much if it does completely fade out.Shes on holiday at the moment from Friday until this Monday. I must admit it was a relief not knowing she could call or send me an email, even though she wouldn't have if she was in work. I felt alot better. On Tuesday I will send her a brief email hoping she had a nice holiday and how it was so at the very least I'm being polite but then just leave it at that. I have some days of next week so it would be nice to have a break.Finally, janniepeg. I wish she had dropped me too :( I'm not after anything more in the relationship in fact we both now have partners. But I will admit I am hyper sensitive to her moods due to our history and I do care dearly about her. Going back to what has been mentioned already. I need to emotionally detach myself from her, be free from my feelings. In fact I don't think I could be a good friend to her until I did. In anycase I'm going to let go of our friendship before I really do some damage and see what happens, give her some space and myself so mental relief from the stress of it. If she notices and questions it then I'll just be honest, I just hope shes asks via email so that I can set my points out else face to face I will just go blank and the cycle will beginThanks
A
male
reader, MrWombat  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Dude, you are being mega stupid. Read your own post, and pretend that someone else wrote it. Realistically, where do you think things can/will go on from here? Yes - that's right: nowhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): The friendship IS one sided because she has a lot more things going on in her life besides you, but you don't similarly have other things going on and thus have a greater need for her. You should take her example and get other friends and activities to balance your life out and this friendship. Don't hate her for having more to her life than just you. Its always hard when relationships that used to be close are now less close. But relationships and friendships are two way streets so if one person has mentally checked out or lowered it as their priority there really isn't anything you can do except adapt and adjust so you can both find a new balance for the friendship that works for both of you. It will be easier to do this if you made new friends so you have other people to fill your need for social contact then you won't be so dependent on her.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (11 May 2012):
I've been in the same situation and know many people who also have, I think it's a common and normal part of life even though it is painful, but to different degrees for different people. I've also been in situations where I was more in her role, i.e. I was the friend who became more distant (because of stuff going on in my life) despite the other person trying to keep me involved.
I think there's different ways you can approach this but it has to center on you working with the situation that you are presented with and dealing with it in a way that makes you feel better, rather than trying to get her to change back into what she used to be.
1. One approach is to completely move on from her. Ignore her, don't contact her, try not to think about her. Consider the friendship over. Why would it be over? simply because she has already moved on apparently. She has decided that she has other priorities so that means that nothing you say or do will actually bring her back to you, unfortunately. So why bother and waste your time and more importantly, why waste your emotions and emotional health on her. So you should also move on and assume she's out of your life completely.
Well in the distant future when you both have long since left the company, she may come back into your life some day, who knows. Friends can lose touch because their lives take them in different directions, and then years later their lives bring them back together. So this could happen if it brings some comfort to you. But for the foreseeable future, you should try to accept that this friendship is no longer active.
Replace her with new friends. You say a major reason you're so hurt and focused on her is because you're a lone wolf and she's the one you had opened up to. That means you put all your eggs in one basket which was her. If you had more baskets, so to speak, then losing any one particular one won't turn your life upside down so much. You should therefore try to make new friends and form new connections. It will make you feel better even if it doesn't feel the same as when you were with her. We all have a need for connectedness because humans are a social species. You had only one connection which was her, which is why the loss is felt so deeply. If you had more connections, you will be healthier and not be so susceptible to intolerable pain if any one of them waxes and wanes as is normal in the course of life for friends to drift apart some times.
2. A different approach is to continue to reach out to her BUT without getting angry or upset at her if she rejects you, but to keep doing it anyway. In other words, cut back on your emotional investment in her so that you can invite her out, say, 10 times, get turned down 10 times, and just shrug it off because it was only a casual invitation anyway. This is how to keep some connection but at a low-key level. Because when a friend is distancing themselves, putting pressure on them to be more involved with you when they actualyl don't want to or can't, only makes them want it less. So if you're going to keep some connection at all to her, it has to be low-key and no-pressure. Then it's more likely that every now and then she may actually accept one of your invitations.
But you have to be able to detach yourself emotionally from her in order to do this, because if you're feeling anything but low-key about it, then this is just basically going to make you miserable to be pretending to be low-key when actually you're highly invested in the situation and getting devastated with each rejection. If you can't detach yourself emotionally, then option#1 is the better approach for you.
3. You say that you've been 'best friends' for awhile, and this new behavior of hers only started about 3 months ago. Thus, it's quite likely that it's only temporary. Maybe she is undergoing some life transitions (like new job responsibilities or outside activities that are consuming all her energy and thoughts). Maybe she just needs time to rebalance her life. So another approach is to not decide that your friendship is over (as in option#1) but to simply decide to leave her alone temporarily and then check in with her in the future. This could just be the normal course of your friendship. There are times when I talk more often to some friends than others, and other times when it's the opposite. that's how it often is with most friendships. So it could be that there isn't anything "going on" with her at all, you just need to accept that people whether friends or romantic partners wont' always maintain the same level of closeness non-stop, but will wax and wane. Which means that sooner or later she'll come back around if you let her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 It doesn't seem like she met another man, because she invited you to go to a gig in July. It is very clear that your feelings are still very strong and you want more than friendship. She saw through this also. She would have been kinder to just drop all contact but find it hard that both of you mentioned you are best friends 3 months ago. She may have been avoiding you because she doesn't want to lead you on. The dilemma is that she is not romantically interested in you but she doesn't want to drop you like a hot potato or pretend you don't exist. Someone needs to tell her that she won't be a bad person for letting you go, and that person is you. No one is being bad here. It is about setting people free and finding the best way to be happy.
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