A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all,So here's my problem. I keep getting involved with these really great guys. Problem is I always end up as the "friend with benefits". Now it's not that I don't respect myself or anything, but I always tend to get involved with them at the wrong time. It usually goes like this: We become really good friends, but he's dating someone. They break up and things start to heat up. I don't rush him because I figure he needs space. Next thing I know, he has met someone else, and it's getting serious. I think the worst part is that I always make sure that the relationship is totally open, honest, and non-judgemental, so when he ends things, I'm never spared the details.So I really need advice on how to start and cultivate relationships. I spent a long time avoiding them, and now I have no idea how to start one.Help please!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): You don't know how to start relationships with guys.
don't be thrown off by the title, but I recommend you read the book (found at your local bookstore, maybe the library)
WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES (it is not about acting like a bitch)
it is about starting a relationship with a guy who may or may not be on the same page as you are and how to handle them....recognize when he is being disrespectful, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): I don't know why you would have stated your question as you are FWB but don't sleep with them. My guess is you are one of those gals who doesn't think giving a guy oral sex is seen as actual sex.
Oral sex is sex....and that makes you a friend with benefits...so stop having that kind of fun with a guy you are not in a committed relationship with.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 In FWB the benefits stand for sex.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 October 2009):
The answer is to spend more time getting to know a guy you're interested in. The ones who will use you will eventually give up. So give it time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, so I just want to clarify a couple of things:1. I don't have sex with them. We have fun, a lot of fun, but I do have more self respect than that.2. They are always 100% single before anything ever happens between us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, just to clear something up, I don't sleep with them. I guess I didn't make that clear in the initial question. And secondly, they are single 100% when things start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, just to clear something up, I don't sleep with them. I guess I didn't make that clear in the initial question. And secondly, they are single 100% when things start.
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male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (17 October 2009):
Great guys who just happen to use you for nothing but sex.Come back when you are ready to face reality.
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Here are some suggestions for you:
1. If a man doesn't tell you he's single, move on. That includes men in a relationship, men seeing someone, and men who have an understanding with someone. Don't be afraid to ask.
2. Open relationships aren't the way to go. Relationships need intimacy to flourish, meaning that there will be things you only share with each other. In your case, sex should be one of those things. If you break up, please don't be ashamed of shielding your heart and feelings. There's no shame in putting yourself before a broken relationship.
3. (this is the controversial part) Hold your man accountable for what he does. He should take the initiative in the beginning of the relationship. He calls. He plans the dates. He treats you with respect. If he messes up and can't be bothered to call or act like a gentleman, you hit the road. Forget all that "let's go slow" or "I need space". That's code for "you are not the one, let me take some time to figure out what I want from you until you start asking questions." Don't play down to a man's level just to say you're in a relationship. Expect the best and you will receive it. Many men will not appreciate this behavior because they are conditioned that women will bend over for them. Too bad. It's not their life, it's yours and you deserve to be happy.
4. Men like women who respect themselves and reward them when they meet the standards. You were dumped by these "really great guys" because you didn't hold them to any standards. You provided no challenges so they get no thrill out of being in a relationship with you.
5. Listen to what he says. He means it.
6. Have FUN! People enjoy being with you if life is fun with you. Try to bring joy to every day and you will never be alone. Fun is life!
Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Isn't the answer to this pretty obvious?
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female
reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (17 October 2009):
 First of all, I would not consider guys who use women "really great guys." Sometimes if a man has just come out of a relationship, it could be because the girl left him because he was not a good boyfriend!! I know this is not always the case, but something to consider.
Another thing is that if someone just got out of a relationship, it will probably take awhile for them to get over that completely and be ready to start a new relationship. This is not a good time to pursue a relationship with someone, and if you sleep with a man at this point it is more of a "rebound" thing where he is basically using you to avoid feeling lonely-NOT a good start to a realistic relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Well, the thing is that you might decide not to have sex with any man until he has asked you to be exclusive with him, or his girlfriend.
Having sex with a man does not make him love you, it makes him in lust with you. Having an open, non judgemental relationship sounds to me like a nice way to say that you have no self respect, that you do not set boundaries with a man because you have none, you make it easy for him to use you, which means you make it easy for him not to respect you, which means you are not girlfriend material.
That's about as simple as I can make it. Good luck.
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