A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI keep getting myself in a situation and it is driving me bonkers!I met a really handsome chap a year ago but I felt that he saw it as just a casual relationship so I ended it. Yet we keep getting together! I have had a boyfriend since but it did not work out. We have never been out for a drink or done any of the things couples do. He cooks me meals and we do sort of family stuff with the kids about at his house or mine.My children have met him as he comes to mine but I tell them he is my friend. Before Christmas he popped back in my life briefly then went awol as I call it for two months! He came back into my life again a month ago and every weekend has asked me and my children to stay with him and his children and his neighbour even offered to look after the children so we could have time alone but he said he does not need anyone to take his kids as he was ok with the way things are. I sneak on the sofa so the children never see us together. (although he tells me that one of his children saw us snuggled on the sofa together and he said that I was just his friend and that he gets lonely sometimes and likes to have a lady for company) He has instigated every time for me and my children to go to his and stay. I again had the chat about me not being good enough to be his girlfriend but he is ok to have sex with me and I said I do not want to be used as a booty call or friend with benefits but he said it is more than that as he likes to spend time with me. I said how would he feel if I slept with someone else he said he would not be happy about it but we are not a couple so nothing he could do and that he was certainly not sleeping with anyone other than me. He didnt contact me for a week then text for me to go to his last weekend but I text as I had not heard from him I had made other plans but I stupidly went there at the end of the night and snook out early. He came to mine and stayed the other night and we had a lovely time - he asked me and my kids to go to his at the weekend and his kids are not going to be there I said ok. He left early to go to work yest and has not replied to my text that I would drop the stuff he left at mine when I go to his on sat. (in the meantime he has been hanging out with a female colleague who he says is a lot older and she is a mate and he went to the pub with her and her mate the week he hadn't contacted me!) He hasn't hid the friendship from me - but isn't he telling people that I am just his friend? what is the difference? I am in my 40s and want to settle down one day but wasting my time and emotion on him as he says he is happy with the way things are and when I asked him to define girlfriend he said it was someone who is attached to another. I am allowing him to have his cake and eat it. I look ten years younger than my age and keep fit and in trim and get lots of attention from men yet I choose to 'hang out' with someone who makes me feel like I have had a great night out having a drink and fun then hungover the next day if that makes sense - self inflicted.My friends are waiting for me to get hurt they say....My children are getting attached to him and his chilren and it is all so horribly abnormal! I think I will stop allowing the sex to happen and just 'act' as a friend without the benefits and see how he reacts.
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booty call, christmas, friend with benefits, neighbour, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): A face to face confrontation is tacky. Don't do it. The two of you have been playing this game long enough. Time to move on.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 April 2011):
 You go girl...get rid of him and go date a handsome stranger...all the power is in your hands to make your own happiness, dont put it in the hands of someone who doesnt care about you.
I am proud of you for making a stand, that takes guts and courage.
Stay strong and move on to happier and healthier things.
xxxhugsxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo he hasn't text since leaving my house 2 days ago even though I had text I would go to his as asked.I have been so consumed with the situation my mates are concerned for my mental health lol. I have been on a dating site and it was like being in a sweet shop - lots of messages but none of them interest me but I could have had a date with a handsome stranger this evening as my mate said she would take my kids for the night.I text him and said oi you asked me and the kids to go to yours tonight and not replied to my text! He replied sorry I fell asleep - what is he sleeping beauty??? 2 days??? lol He text for us to go to his after 7pm. So - I have been drafting texts telling him how this has made me feel and that I was not prepared to carry on with a casual relationship espcecially in front of my children as I don't want them growing up thinking this is normal behaviour. I have decided to let my mate have the kids and go and see him face to face once and for all - I won't get the answers I hope for but I will feel better about myself. Tomorrow is a new day....spring is in the air and I have a sweet shop to explore.....Thank you all for your comments - good to have people on the outside looking in and making me realise how unhealthy my lifestyle is...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 April 2011):
He has said it's casual several times and just calls you up when he wants company. Also he instigates sex when he says he won't!
Darling he is using you! He might be one of these guys who thinks its too difficult to be in a relationship while he has his kids around but he dont mind having sex with you and then ignoring you for weeks! Communicating by text only is lazy, phone conversations or face to face are far more personal...this guy knows exactly how to move things his way.
You are hanging on in case he changes his mind...but in a whole year he hasn't and it's unlikely he ever will.
Without hurting your feelings, to him your like an unpaid hooker who just keeps him company when he wants...he doesn't want to show you off, take you out or make you feel special.
Do as I say, withdraw the sex and see how long things last. He will spin you a line or two to get what he wants, try to convince you that having sex is a good idea...but it's not a good idea, it's hurting and confusing you.
I know what I'd say to the guy...and it wouldn't be fit for the kids ears!!
The next time he calls for your company...text him back one word 'NO'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments.Anonymous female reader - I ended it the first time because when I asked him what we were doing he said casual and I told him I had to walk away as I did not want to get hurt. He would not speak on the phone he text that he thought we both knew it was casual and that was all he wanted as his children were coming to live with him. He has flitted back and forth but never asked to go out as a couple. Sometimes we have coffee sometimes we don't if you know what I mean lol.When confronted with the same a few weeks ago he said the same - he did not want to jump into anything and has since text to ask for my company saying he was not asking for sex but then he always instigates the sex. He is the one telling his kids that I am not daddys girlfriend so I have to tell mine the same as they all play together when we go to his. He goes awol for months at a time then starts texting for my company again. As I have spent so much time at his lately at the weekend his friends next door assumed we were a couple and said they would take the kids for us to have time together and it was him that refused which led to the conversation of what we were doing. I do want more from him but he still wont give me me the status. I am annoyed that he has not replied to my text about going to his at the weekend. It was him that suggested it as usual. He does not like to speak on the phone so texting is the only communication we have when apart. I am giving up my emotion to somebody who wont return the same but I cannot give him up just in case one day he will want me properly. A friend of mine says that he obviously likes me and to just go with the flow and stop stressing when we are not together. Aunty Em thanks for your input - I will stop the sex and see how it goes as 'friends' as you are right 'friends' do not sleep together.Jonus thanks for your input. I don't think there is anything other than friendship with his boss - his children have only seen him with me in 3 years since the divorce but she has been to his and they never questioned her being there. I am hoping that the friendship is as he says platonic.I have no family and have a handful of friends. There has to be more to life than being lonely when little ones are asleep....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Cutting off the sex and acting as a friend would is just to preserve your self respect and sanity, not to change his views or appreciation of you because he won't change. It's a great idea to end this but don't have the expectation he will come to his senses or realize what he lost or any of those catch phrases people use...they only really apply when the relationship hasn't been just casual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Do you like him, and do you want to spend your life with him if you could?
If so, then just ask tell him that you like him and that you want an official relationship again. He's saying he isn't sleeping with anyone else and that he likes spending time with you. Assuming he is NOT just saying this to get into your pants, it seems like he may like you. I only say this because I don't know what you've told him. It seems like you're the one telling him that you don't want a more serious relationship, you're the one who broke up with him and you're labeling him as a "friend" in front of the children. Maybe he was testing the waters when he told you that you weren't a couple. So if you like him and want something more than friends, ask him and see what happens.
But if you don't like him like that and you don't want a relationship with him, then you need to move on. You already HAD a relationship with this man, but YOU ended it because you had a feeling it was just a casual one. And yet here you are, in a casual relationship with this man and without the title of bf/gf! Why are you doing this to yourself when you know what you want --a committed long term relationship!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 April 2011):
You need to end it because he isn't giving you what you want. He is getting sex and no strings. If he just wants to be friends then thats ok but don't have sex with him...friends don't have sex! See how long the 'friendship' lasts if sex isn't in the equation.
Right now you are a convienient doormat. He is wiping his feet on the way in and the way out.
You have played all your cards, questioning him about how he feels and telling him you're not good enough (that old chestnut rarely works)...he hasn't responded in a way you want and the contact has just become a habit. You are sneaking around like spare part when this guy should be recognising that you need a secure relationship. Have more respect for yourself and wise up because he is what he is, drifting in and out like a bad tide and making you feel unworthy...screw that!!
Your a good looking woman who can do better. You may think there will never be any more opportunities to meet someone great but all the time you are hanging with Mr 'Killmy self esteem' you are never going to meet anyone else.
I am 46 and I have just met a pretty great guy when I thought I never would.
Get tough girl, block him and stop having sex with him...go out and find yourself someone better because it's no less than you deserve. If he doesn't like it then it's tough shit!
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