A
female
age
36-40,
*atie-cola
writes:I have been dating my bf for about 3 years off and on now. We had an amazing relationship at first, but then things broke down. We always argue as least once a week and it gets bad. I feel all we do is argue these days. I cant seem to let go and neither can he as we love each other so much. We cant seem to open up properly to each other. I dont know where to go from here. I want to stop with him but it seems impossible!! He is on antidepressants because of us and other things, which he will not open up to me about. Any help would be great, thanks x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Katie-cola +, writes (20 May 2008):
Katie-cola is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your respond. Its nice to know that you can get through this and come out more positive. Me and my bf have decided to call it a day. We are going to try and stop friends and see where it goes. Maybe when we have both had a break maybe start again some time. Just i know it takes a lot of work, and neither of us are in the position to do it at this time. I am however, greatful for your advise and will know it if we ever get back together. I guess some relationships work but others dont. Good luck with everything and again thank you for how you helped us with the situation. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Hi,
I know how you feel.
I was like your bf at one point. I didn't call my significant other very often during the day, and my bf was the one to make all the effort basically. I guess, well, he talked to me about it and told me how upset it made him (and cried). He told me what he needed, and I slowly started to try to open up, I tried to call him more often, and I basically tried to be more expressive of feelings I knew I had deep down. It's not that I didn't love him, it's just that I didn't want to drag others down with me, or something... I'm not sure exactly.
I suppose it's normal for you to think about calling it quits at times. Like I said, you can only take so much. My bf friend "broke up" with me a few times, because he simply didn't know what to do anymore. I don't know how far along your bf is with getting help and how it will turn out for him. The more frequently he can talk to someone who knows depression, the better. Also, I wouldn't try to remind him of all the good things in his life...I know my bf did and he'd say, what do you have to be upset about when you have this, this and this going for you? That, in turn, made me feel worse because I'd start to perceive myself as an ungreatful idiot and feel worse than ever. Even when the depressed person seems to have it all, they won't feel that way no matter what. Depression is a tricky thing.
Yes, you're only 19, and that's a lot to carry on your shoulders. It's not fun to feel like you have to walk on glass all the time. Sadly, of course he's going to blame you for things. He's probably not being very rational...I now know (looking back) I wasn't very rational, but would freak out when he told me I was being irrational. If you do leave him, I wouldn't burden myself with the guilt that you abandoned him. You have to care for yourself too! Sometimes the drowing person pull you down with him, and that's never good.
There's no guarantees in life. I don't know how deep your bf's issues go. I know I got better and it helped when my bf told me calmly what he needed, and that he never felt good enough. The open communication really is what helped the relationship. I didn't change overnight, but I made steps towards being my old self, hanging out with other friends more often, and expressing (not just feeling) my love towards my bf. When I did make the small efforts, he really noticed and thanked me for it. This was very encouraging and really pointed me in the right direction. At the time, nothing he did was good enough. Looking back, wow, I realize he was trying his hardest.
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A
female
reader, Katie-cola +, writes (16 May 2008):
Katie-cola is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm glad to know that your bf helped you through it and now you are better. He does take his medication and is opening up to the councilor, but i never think he wants to be with me as i am never doing anything right. I know it is his depression and i know it is hard to deal with but i am only 19 and i dont want to have this on my shoulder all the time. I do love him but i feel like an outsider. I keep thinking of ending things but then i think the depression is taking me back to him. I just wish it was a relationship more.
I just think my bf would be more suited to someone who could give him time and be there for him? I do love him, but he is getting me down and with everything blamed on me i find it hard to carry on with the relationship. Yes it might get better, but with me still being young im not really into taking things like this in. Or do u think i might be missing things?? I feel it is always me that rings him or even texts first and he never comes to visit me at uni and i always have to go home. This upsets me as it feels all one sided. I really appreciate your help that you have given me. Makes me look at things in a different view. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Yeah, you really have to realize that having a relationship with someone who is depressed is no easy task. I'd just keep encouraging him to open up, but at the same time, you have to be very careful not to minimize what he tells you when he does opens up. Just listening without offering advice can do wonders. At the same time, it can be vary draining after a while. That's why you can't do it all on your own. Depression is a very tricky thing to deal with. It ruins relationships after a while because the people who love the depressed individual can only take so much, so I hope your bf is getting the help he needs so he can get better. Encouraging him to seek help is probably the best thing you can do, no matter how much he seems annoyed by it. The antidepressants should help, but he may need more help than just that. As much as you'd like to be the one he confides in, I don't know that you're 'trained' to deal with the nature of depression.
I suffered from depression and well. I know what kind of disease it is and how much it impacted my relationship. I was very hesitant to take my meds regularly, because I thought I should be able to fix my mind on my own. Mind over matter, right? I told myself I was just being weak, not trying hard enough and so on and so forth. Wrong. I really needed the support of the meds to help my brain balance itself out. Whenever I felt better, I'd go off the meds, and then it was hell a week later. Eventually I accepted what the meds could do for me and accepted I even needed to take them 1-2 years after my symptoms disappeared, so as to have the 'training wheels' on for a while, and so my brain would create serotonin on its own . I figured this out before my bf was at his wits end. I got a lot of counseling as well. Depression really is a disease that messes with you so much. Little things seem like the end of world, but at the time, every 'crises' feels so real. I know, I've been there. My boyfriend encouraged my to take my meds all the time. He'd call me at 9am every morning, even when I pretended to still be sleeping. I lied a lot about how often I took the pills, but eventually he got through to me. I got better, and so did the relationship slowly and surely.
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female
reader, Katie-cola +, writes (15 May 2008):
Katie-cola is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere are other things affecting his depression, but he feels i will not understand. He feels threatened by my male friends and feels i tell them things about him, but im not that sort of person.We argue about silly things, that are just pointless. But we live an hour and a half away now and its hard to see each other. Wen we do, we never argue but wen we are apart the arguments happen. I think he does take his problems out on me sometimes but he is always saying i start the arguments, which i dont tend to. He always tells me that he loves being with me and is always happy, but i cant see that he is happy as he never tends to tell me and i always think he is down with his depression. I just wish i could get him to talk to me and for me to try and help him through things. Maybe the arguments are to show emotion, but they cant keep going on like they do. He is meant to be talking to someone about his problems, but id rather we talked between us and got stronger, but he doesnt want to. I dont understand it all sometimes. Thanks for all your help so far. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): My guess is that the arguing serves a purpose. Maybe it gets him to show emotion, or maybe you both need the 'drama' so you feel how much you love each other. It's really hard to change patterns however. It takes a lot of work. I wouldn't say it's time to call it quits, it's going to take A LOT. First of all, you need to figure out what purpose all that fighting has. Sometimes it's not as obvious as it seems. With fighting comes the highs, like the making up and feeling refreshed in how much you love each other because you were just faced with the possibility of taking all that you can. But it's not good to go through all the lows to reach feelings that you don't want to let go no matter what. Ups and downs are hard on the body and mind after a while. I'd even look at talking to someone, especially if your boyfriend suffers from depression. Sometimes the fights are really the depression talking and not necessarily him. Hopefully he takes his medication consistently, otherwise it's really hard to have a relationship with your bf, because you're dealing with the depression and this can be like having a 3rd person in the relationship. Issues get blown out of proportion and it's a crazy, but very 'real' world for the depressed individual. Hope this helps. It takes months to turn around old patterns, so be patient, educate yourself on depression, and DO talk to someone (because you can't do this all on your own). Will power won't make the fighting stop! Trust me. But there's always hope. Get the help you need and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 He's on drugs because he's that depressed in his relationship? Sounds like it's time to call it quits. What exactly are you fighting about? If he has emotional problems, you might want to be more patient and understanding with him. People who suffer from depression are also likely to be moody and irritable... he might be taking his mental illness out on you.
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