A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Recently all of my friends have got boyfriends, or have someone who likes them, all except for me. I feel as though I'm the ugly one of my group of friends, they don't make me feel like this, it's just I know that in our group I'm probably the least attractive. I'm the only one who wears make-up, and I constantly worry about my apperance, and then I worry that I'm self-absorbed...It's like this big nasty circle of me hating myself. It's like I'm sick of being in my body becuase I'm not as attractive as all the other girls in my class, andI hate myself for ust thinking me me me all the time.I don't know what to do, and I just feel like hiding myself away when boys come and talk to our group. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 I second the others. The other seem falsely to be more attractive because they are probably more comfortable in their own skin than you are. Picture another woman in your grade you think is attractive. Is she constantly smiling that fake kind of "don't look at me" grimace, having her arms crossed, and slightly slouching, or does she have her shoulders back in a relaxed and confident posture and is she smiling like she is just happy? If you hate the way you look, it's going to ooze out of every pore and everyone else will want to keep their distance. Even if you don't think you're doing it, I almost guarantee you that you are.
I think you stand without a mirror first and compliment yourself. Just tell yourself that you're awesome over and over. Practice relaxing your posture, and just relaxing. Practice your "I don't care" posture. Arms relaxed, shoulders back, and most importantly, relax your face and neck as much as possible and smile in a carefree way. When you're at school feeling envious or insecure, tell yourself that you're awesome and make a serious conscious effort to relax your shoulders, neck, and face. Tell yourself when you're walking, "I am awesome, I am confident." Even if at first it feels stupid and manufactured, eventually it will come naturally.
When I was your age I hung out with two girls who were constantly being hit on by guys while I was this nerdy Eastern European-looking kid with a big nose who only nerdy guys were interested in. Then I got to college and decided to act more confident, got great friends, and stopped caring so much about what guys thought, and suddenly became a guy magnet type.
I know it's irritating, but the less you care about liked the more people will like you (I don't mean be nasty/mean, I mean being insecure).
A
male
reader, wolfred bane  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Why don't you try loving yourself? Before anybody can love you, you got to love yourself first. Guys wouldn't go for a girl with no self confidence.
Remember that you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Your friends can see that, why can't you? If you love yourself, everybody will fall in love with you too.
All the best in everything you do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): Perhaps a visit to your GP for a talk about this may benefit you, if its bothering you as much as you say it is. After listening to what you have to say, he/she may think its relevant to put you in touch with a professional that will help you look at this from a more healthy perspective and eventually get you over this negative self image.
If wearing make-up isn't making you feel any better, or having the desired effect with guys, then all its doing is making you more aware of the fact that you have this self confidence issue, and eventually it leads to more dissatisfaction and you try to find other ways to hide yourself away.
Its definitely a self confidence issue and the way you come across to guys that makes you less appealing to them, NOT the way you look.
If you come across confident and chatty, people will see that and think "Oh she seems like a lively happy person that maybe fun to be around"
Whereas if you come across quiet, shy and all withdrawn, people are going to think "Well for god sake she's a miserable depressing one ain't she, I'll avoid her she'll probably bite my head off if I say hello"
You see where I'm coming from?
In terms of over all attitude, you need to learn to accept yourself and say "Hey, this is who I am and if you don't like me that's your problem. If I'm not good enough for you, then you're not good enough for me"! The idea of therapy sessions is to achieve this attitude in you, and to teach you to accept who you are, and change your thinking in order to change your behavior and attitude towards this situation.
I understand the peer pressure you feel to have a boyfriend when all your friends have one and you feel left out, but really there's no rush. People often rush into things and make huge mistakes that they regret for a long time, and sometimes even for life. I'm aware that people of all ages make mistakes, but at your age you have the opportunity to shape your life into something you ideally want it to be, and not have any drawbacks so early on.
I wish you luck in resolving this.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 September 2012):
Your self loathing is what makes you unattractive to the opposite sex. People can sense when someone is unhappy, and they tend to prefer the company of people who are content in their own skin.
The most popular person in my class is an overweight girl with bad skin and an surname with a curse word in it. All these characteristics would make her an ideal target for bullying.
But she doesn't care that she's fat, she doesn't care about her surname. She does her best to look nice without hiding behind a mask of makeup or a tent for clothes. She's funny, she's outgoing and she's nice. She occasionally makes fun of herself and her disadvantages. She now has a boyfriend that I regard to be quite good looking.
I on the other hand, used to be like you. I hated myself, hated the way I looked, never considered myself to be good enough. What I didn't realize then is that guys don't expect you to look gorgeous. They just want a girl who enjoys life and likes to share that with them. But I didn't enjoy life, I didn't have anything to share other than my insecurities, so guys stayed away.
Ask yourself, if you could pick any guy you'd be with, would you pick one (even if he was pretty) that looked like he hated life and just wanted to crawl into a corner? Or would you pick someone who is upbeat and content?
Looking after yourself also means looking after your mental health. The amount of self loathing you suffer from is hard to tackle all on your own. I know because I tried and it literally took me years and years to learn to accept myself for who I am. In the end I was still stuck with self worth issues so I sought out counseling even though at the time I thought it was stupid. But it actually helped a lot. I no longer care that I'm not perfect; I'm content being the best that I can be, even though I'm not pretty by magazine standards. It has made life so much easier and more enjoyable for me.
So please inform your parents about this and get some help. There's no shame in asking for help. I wish I had done that the moment I realized I had these issues.
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