A
female
age
26-29,
*loveyhoo
writes:Im stuck in a tricky situation. I still like the boy I've liked for like a year now, and now his girlfriend has broken up with him. he's been left single which gives me more of a chance. But now his ex girlfriend has just started talking to me, and all of a sudden we're like best friends! Anyway one of my close friends (lets call her M) who i've been quite good friends with for like 4 years, has actually decided that she's bisexual, and she has a thing for my best friend (lets call her A) . I know A likes her back in a way, but not like so much she'd want to commit a lot of things to go into an open relationship, however M is like in love with my best friend A. Its been getting quite awkward hanging out with them two, because M is like a girl but acts and dresses like a boy in a really good way, and i know i'm straight, but i think i could be starting to like A, it's as if im half way convinced she's a boy. But she doesn't have any idea that i kind of like her the most slightest bit in that way, although when we was drunk we did kiss , but it was like a dare in a way. Anyways now it's really awkward cause she knows i'm in love with this boy i mentioned above, and that i'm straight, and i've been such good friends with her for so long i dont want to take the risk of loosing everything, so therefore i want to keep this secret.Anyway whenever i hang out with A and M together, it can get really awkward, and i love hanging out with them two because their my best friends, but because they're all quite "loved" up , in a way it heartbreaks me knowing them two have each other and i have no-one/ i kind of like M. Then the other night A told me that her and M did some stuff together (tmi) and it just got really awkward and i have no idea what to do! Without telling any of them that I like M in a way :\
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Crushes and friendships can get really confusing; especially when there are close feelings for one another. I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge that you are experiencing these feelings, but recognize that you don't have to do anything about them with regard to telling anyone, like M or A. In other words, let yourself become aware of your feelings, maybe your feelings for M intensify when you are jealous of their closeness. Maybe they are you wanting to be close to someone but you're not really ready for that, so you pick someone who is already taken. If you are feeling badly about yourself or sad or low, sometimes people do things that reinforce that idea. What I mean is that if you have low self-esteem, you do things and hang out with people or get a boyfriend who agree that you are worthless, and reinforce that negative thinking.
Ask yourself questions, when you feel something that makes you uncomfortable. "What is this emotion I am feeling?" There's no "correct" answer, but some examples of answers could be: "I am feeling anxious. unhappy. sad. lonely. depressed. angry. upset. left out. left behind. unwanted. unloved."
Q. "What is happening that I am feeling this way?"
Possible answers: "They are a couple and I am single." "My life feels boring and blah." "I don't like something about myself." "I hate being so lonely." "I feel set apart from others." "I am upset with what is happening at home." "I hate my life right now." Again, there are no 'right' or 'wrong' answers here. There are simply answers. Think carefully about this, try not to get anxious or worried about the potential answers, just let them come to you and acknowledge and accept them.
Q. "What can I do to manage these feelings?"
A. Spend less time thinking about M and A and maybe develop some other relationships. Maybe I tend to want what I can't have and this is a pattern that has developed recently. Maybe I need to think about this pattern. I wonder if I'm not really ready for a relationship like this even though I think I want one, and this is why I feel this tension.
Basically, I want you to sit quietly and observe yourself and your feelings for 10-12 minutes every morning and then again 10-12 minutes every evening. Quiet, no TV, no phones, no distractions, no music. If you have to lock yourself in the bathroom to find quiet, then do it. Sit there with no distractions and close your eyes and think "Here I am" until you feel calm. Then just ask yourself those questions I listed.
I don't have the answers for you. The answers are inside you, waiting for you to discover them. You just have to pay attention to yourself and give yourself permission to listen.
Good luck. It's tough being your age, I remember. It gets easier if you are true to yourself and don't create unnecessary drama by overthinking and overanalyzing. Just experience your feelings and relax. You'll be just fine.
Q.
A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Ok, so how old is this guy? guys of a certain age always act differntly around their friends and it means nothing personal to you. If you want to know how he feels i guess asking him maybe the simplest and also the quickest way to find out, then atleast if he dose not like you back then you know and can move on. Going to places you think he might be, and trust me your not the first person to do it, isnt good for you and isnt a healthy habit to get into.About M, im afraid even if you do have feelings for her that she is with A, even if not in a relationship there is clearly something happening. Liking someone that is with someone else is common, but there is little you can do about it except let the crush fade. Telling her would only cause problems not only between M and you but A and you too.
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A
female
reader, iloveyhoo +, writes (3 May 2011):
iloveyhoo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, and i know i just really feel like im starting to like M more andd more.
And this other guy we've been through hell and back , he knows i "liked" him, but by the time i told him , he didnt really want much to do with me. Im always going to his hometown just for that hope that i will bump into him, and sometimes i do, and especially when hes with his friends its like he just doesnt want to know me. Not going to lie, but its so complicated!
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (2 May 2011):
Well unfortunately this situation is one that you do not have a lot of control over, whether your finds are gay straight or bi, when people within friendship groups begin to date each other it almost certainly becomes awkward.You say you like M a bit. really? i know it can be hard but you need to remember that even if she may look or dress like a boy under it all she is still a girl, with girl bits and bobs. If you still like her even when you think about her been a girl logically then that is fine, just thought id mention that.When it comes to whatever relationship is happening between A and M there isnt a lot you can do, you have to let them get on with it and if it works be ready for them to be spending time together without you and if they dont work they might find it hard to spend time together, in this case you need to just support them both and not take sides.I know this isnt what you want to hear but as you get older you will have lots of friends that date each other leave you out then break up and hate each other, its not nice but its true.About this guy you like, have you told him you like him or tried to spend time alone with him? just an idea.Hope this helps
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