A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you get over your father not wanting you then finding out he is dying and suddenly he finds you interesting, your step father of 15 years abandonds you, and the guy your mom is dating treats you like a seven year old when your 18 and you want freedom. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel for you... My parents dont drink They just dont really want me even tho i really wish they would...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): i can empathise with your family situation.
And i want to assure you that you can get through it, survive it, and go on to greater things. And be successful.
My family situation was so bad i felt so unable ever invite anyone to my place.. And how did i cope?
Easy, i decided as a young girl that my parents were not 'normal'. So i looked around at people who behaved more respectfully, were peaceful, and did not scream at each other all the time.
I chose 5 very similar very calm and pleasant married couples, who were near neighbors, and i took the best bits of each neighbor to emulate what i perceived was normal for the lady of the house, and to arrive at what i thought was a normal for the man of the house . If i had not had a male ideal role model i may never have recognised my wonderful husband as perfect for me. He has met my family and immediately gave me much needed support as he saw first hand how much they tried to unkindly hurt and undermine me.
Those neighbors became my role models.
They didn't get blind drunk, the police didn't visit them weekly, they didn't swear like sailors, they were not abusive to others. They were kind to others. It was the best decision of my life at the time.
As an adult i shared my thanks with two of those neighbors for being role models for me.
In many situations i would often stop and ask myself 'how would mrs s or mrs b handle this?' it helped me get through, and not react the way my family reacted. It did though mean i was distanced from my family. I was seen as a failure as i choose to be faithful to my partner, not bed-hop, not drink alcohol, not lie/cheat, not take part in noisy screaming fights, i have always worked for a living etc. And the older i get the more i have moved away from my family (fortunately i have my own family now) as all they can do is throw abuse at me, and think i am a fool not to live like they do.
My childhood was bleak. Although my father did not permanently leave, until he passed away when i was a teen. But my father would leave, though eventually come back, we never knew for how long, nor where he was, or if he would come back. The plus was that my parents screaming at each other stopped during these times and my mother would just be critical and catty to me or do something unkind or spiteful to me.
My father never gave me a birthday present in all my life. Most birthdays i cannot even recall him being present. so he was 'there' but often 'not there'. Often he never surfaced until 4pm as he would still be sleeping off his drinking from the night before. When he was away my mother started taking an interest in other men, and i hated all of them. Then my father would come back, so my mother would put the friends on hold, or meet then discreetly. But when my father died my mother had a revolving door string of male friends, some married men. Those in particular were sleazes. I was even turfed out of my bedroom as one of her boyfriends wanted my bedroom for himself. That hurt. I only found out when i arrived home that night. My stuff has been dumped in a pile in the leaky sleep-out. I had also started a job and i'd paid for new curtains to make my (original) bedroom space nice. But what my mother's boyfriend wanted took priority. I left home soon after that, as i did not feel safe there, and one picks up when one is not wanted. I think my mother would flirt with a paper bag if she thought it was male. Some of her male choices were terrible, though most of them never lasted. But at 60 she must have worked out the right formula, to get a 'commitment' from a guy, as since 60 she has married three times. Her male partners take 100% priority with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI always went to see my dad but he always cared more for my brother... My stepdad only sees me when we bump in to each other in the store about once every three months... and my mom has her head so far up her boyfriends ass she cant see two feet in front of her...
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Personally, I would ignore my biological father completely. He abandoned you when you were very young and never bothered to get to know you or be there for you as a father should. My father did the same thing, worse still he began manipulating my family from afar. Eventually I stopped feeling like his son. I started manipulating him just like he did to us. It may seem cruel but he almost drove my mother towards depression and I will not have that.
The point here being that a father who decides to abandon his family deserves no love from you whatsoever. He knew what would happen and now he regrets it. What good is being close now as he grows nearer to his death bed? Save yourself unecessary heartache. He had his chance to see his daughter as she grew up but he chose not to.
As for your step father, I am sorry. Does he not contact you at all now? If he does, perhaps you can talk to him about it. If not, I suppose you can only learn to forget it all.
The most important thing for you to do now is talk to your mother about it all. She should be putting you first. She can help you feel better about all of this.
I hope that helps.
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