A
female
age
30-35,
*oi
writes:When I was 15 i starting dating a guy who was really nice. We got engaged after just a few weeks, fast I know but we were young. After about 9 months during an argument he hit me across my face. I was really confused at the time I thought he loved me. But he promised never to do it again and I believed him. After things got worse we argued everyday, he tried pressuring me into sex and he hit me several times. After a year and a half relationship, and six months of trying I finally managed to break free. Four months on and I'm having trouble coping with what he did. We still talk but he tries phoning me alot. One day he phoned 44 times in half an hour. I tried ignoring him but he wont leave me alone. After such a long relationship I don't want to block him out of my life. I don't know how to move on and I'm afraid of dating again incase it happens again. What can I do????
View related questions:
engaged, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): First you need to tell people in your life if you have anyone and get or seek help from a abuse woman hotline number. This is just to give you some support in place. If anything happens somebody "responsible" knows about it aswell. Interpersonally, you need to do as one person here suggested. Change your number, if you are working change your job, limit down all areas you would bang into him for the time being, don't go to local haunts, there are other bars or pubs, or shops or whatever, go somewhere different. Then that leave only where you live. Get some good locks on your door and change your home phone number first and foremost. Then I would arrange to meet him in a public place and tell him things are over, you don't blame him anymore but you need to break up. Try to take a friend or a family member ideally a family male in case he gets nasty at least then he has been told that it is over for good. if it gets too nasty move house as a last resort. I used to think people could be worked out with but some people are really dangerous, you decide how bad you think this person truly is and stop blaming yourself and stop blaming anything. Your life comes first in these matters. Getting sorted out is key, as far as dating again is concerned, that is up to you but I would really just focus on getting your strength back and aiming to get back to normal before you start on anything else focus on you now and your needs not other people's. when this is under the bridge and you are a little wiser in matters you may go out and try to meet someone else but maybe this time you may try to date for as long as possible before commitment. Then at least you get to know people before they start to turn violent. I'm a woman and I have been through it it is hard love but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you the best, and keep some faith.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): The poster says:
"I tried ignoring him but he won't leave me alone."
And then the very next sentence reads:
"After such a long relationship I don't want to block him out of my life."
I don't think this girl is owning up to the fact that she's still playing a role in this. If she's not cutting him out ENTIRELY at this point (at least to the best of her abilities given the situation) then she's got problems too. I'm not blaming her for the situation, but I'll bet this isn't entirely a one-way street right now.
I'll bet she's still keeping communication open when he sounds decent and then crying out when he doesn't remain decent. But she's got a responsibility to herself to do her part to end this whether he sounds decent some of the time or not. If she can't do this, then she wasn't ready for romantic relationships in the first place and it's time for serious parental intervention. She's being sexually & physically abused, not to mention emotionally. If this goes on longer then things won't get any better, but this guy WILL do more damage to her and make it even harder to split up for good.
(A 15-year-old girl who may still just be just a little too immature for dating, despite what the popular culture & peers all think? Man, what a concept!)
...............................
A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (30 October 2007):
 hello Toi.
When this guy hit you you really should have exited the relationship straight away men who hit woman are total coward and scum of the earth, you should have gone to the police earlier and made an official complaint,now that he is excessively phoning you and you do not have a relationship with him, you should go to the police and report him as a violent stalker,he will more that likely turn into a wife beater if and when he gets married, so count yourself lucky that you have broken up with him.
Because he is now stalking you and he as shown violence to towards you, he is a danger to be around, you really need to see the police about him, for your own safety, keep all records of the phone calls, this is evidence that can be used against him, you really need to dump this person and get him out of your life ones and for all.
stalker have been known to Kill there pray in the past and i think your life is more valued than that, so get those silly Ideas out of your head, your life is more important than this guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (30 October 2007):
Maybe getting a solicitor to compose a letter direct to him warning him of his behaviour and that if he makes any further attempt to contact you there will be an injunction taken out against him.
If what you say is correct I don't see a way in which you could still remain friends as this I feel he would interpret as a come on and a chance of getting back together. You obviously do not want this so you are more or less limited to hardening up and showing some hostility to this guy.
Anyway - any bloke who goes around hitting women is not a guy worth knowing. Women hitters are one of the lowest forms of pondlife I can think of and are a breed of people I make efforts to stay as far away from as physically possible.
...............................
A
female
reader, RNaunt  +, writes (29 October 2007):
Hey hun,I know that it's hard to break ties with someone that you knew and loved for so long in your life. And someone that you were engaged with for so long makes it even harder. But he's not healthy for you. It's ok for you to still care about him - nothing any of us say on here is going to change that - but you need to watch out for you personal safety. this guy has stalker potential (if he isnt' already there) and im scared what he'd do if you started dating another guy. I myself have had some stalking issues and it's not fun, at first you're like, wow, im being stalked, but hten it's annoying and irritating, trust me. Think to yourself, what have you got to lose from leaving this guy in ur past?
...............................
A
female
reader, gmapeaches  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 Previous comments correct.. get your dad involved, if that is not an option. you need to go to the police.. I understand that might seem drastic.. but this young man is obsessed, you do need to break all ties..have no contact.. not because you feel sorry for him.. not because you know he really does love you.. i don't doubt that he loves you. he loves you as much as he is capable of loving you. however he has a problem.. he is an abuser.. and he will keep on abusing.. boys do not get to hit you because you made them mad.. you need to protect yourself.. I am guessing if you put up with all of it as long as you say you are probably pretty good at making excuses for him and his behavior. You need to stop.. none of it is ok. You deserve to be cherished, not hit. so say goodbye and mean it. and if the compulsive behavior continues.. get help from the police, school counselor, help line.. i dont know what state you are in.. in illinois we have turning point.. you can talk to them anonymously.. go to your state web site..do a search for domestic violence/ whatever state you live in.. they can help you.. situations like this, and i don't want to scare you honey but either they end up good, he goes away forgets about you or he will really hurt you.. I watched my mom be abused and the end result was a wheelchair for her.. it didn't start out like that.. just be careful.. please..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): He reminds me of my ex. Controlling and abusive. Just like your ex, mine would not leave me alone either. And I was pregnant with someone else's child. Now I am married, and have a child and another on the way and my ex still tries contacting me. Just like you, I didn't want to just cut him out of my life right away (we were together 5 years) but these kind of guys are irrational and that is the only thing you can do. Change your number, avoid places he goes, block him from contacing you through email, myspace, etc. If he does contact you, DO NOT REPLY!! I learned this the hard way. Tell your parents about him too, so they can protect you if need be. If he was that abusive and controlling, I can see him flying off the handle because you left him. BE careful.
...............................
A
male
reader, KoE616 +, writes (29 October 2007):
 you need to tell people about this if it is scaring you tht badly and consider getting help and if this continues see if you can get the police involved maybe place a restraining order
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): Break of all ties! I can't believe you stayed in a relationship with a guy who hit you. What does that say about you? you really got to be stronger or your going to attract the bad guys and get used. When you have an healthy 'normal' relationship you will be glad you ditched this guy.
...............................
|
