A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We are a middle class family, living in suburbia.My husband of 5 years watches porn Friday evenings from midnight to about 2-3am.Didnt do it in the beginning but now he says he needs it.From 5pm I see him getting ready for it. Comes home with a bottle of something (rum, whisky or whatever) and he starts to put snacks together and put it and crisps at the computer which is in the living room. Then at 9pm (kids have gone to bed) he migrates there and starts playing computer games. I sit and watch tv or read a book. He seems to get more fidgety. And everytime i get up from the couch, he askes if I am off to bed now? Or tired yet or whatever.The 11pm when i go to bed, he says, oh, i think i'll stay down here for a bit longer. Dont wait up for me.How long will you be? I ask. Oh, a few minutes.But we both know he wont be...He refuses to admit he is watching porn, even though i tell him i know he is.I once after "going to bed" walked out the front door and around the house to the back where the living room is. And stood there watching him through a gap in the curtains.AS all the other women who post here about this, I felt worthless and my life felt like a sham. A bit of Me died that night. I couldnt believe i had built my life around this guy. And he puts more effort into a night by himself (and of course a zillion naked women who look much better than i do), than he would put into taling me out, or even sex with me.Foreplay is a nudge in the middle of the night with "you want to or what..."I have asked him to put a bit more effort into our sexlife and we will both reap the rewards, if you know what i mean. But he says he is just too tired after work in the day and the kids at night. Sure, i can understand this. But he is not too tired for Friday Fun Fest night it would seem...????Why do i have to compete?I cry a lot now, for no reason.I feel worthless and failed as a woman. I dont like being by myself. Since i discovered this, I have felt so utterly alone.I look at him at the dinner table and I feel as if i dont recognise him at all.To me hell is "proximity without intimacy".That was over a year ago.Is it ok to have an affair? I can feel sexy again and wanted and wicked and just have someone look at me with that intrigued look they have when they find you attractive and exciting and irresistable.I gave that up to be with my husband. But now all bets are off.And my hubby can be happy with his hobby...And we are both happy and the children will not be disrupted. They are so enmeshed in their own lives as the centre of the universe that they will not even notice.Happy ever after.The end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): And they treat me right.. My guys cook for me, they keep the house clean, they spend money on me, and they take me out, and give me presents... Accept their porn habits, understand them and give them confidence, then you will find happiness in relationships, instead of fighting over women on videos and in magazines....
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): Sorry ladies, you got me going with the porn thing again... You have female minds, it suits you to think only "sad people" like this kind of thing. But historical records show us, that human beings like looking at naked people having sex, and they always have... You have been brought up on Victorian morals, you pretend that humans have clever minds and are not animals at heart. Records from Sociologist show that you and your "porn hating" friends are in the minority... Most people know and accept that probably 80% of men like porn and that it's normal for MOST (not all) men... Women that disagree have confidence problems. I've read ton's of posts about anti-pornography and it shows that women have body issues and too controlling over what men see.... "why cant HE give up porn"... "It makes ME feel bad"... stuff and lightening, who gives anybody the right to control a man, or a womans eyes and hobbies..... Get over yourselves, get some confidence, don't be threatened by women that are beautifull and you'll have more fun in life.... I do... | look at porn, I accept men look at porn, and you know what.. I'm a fat, ugly bitch, with a bad temper and bad habits, but men still seem to want me.....
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reader, nh3techlead  +, writes (17 August 2008):
sweet heart, have you tried using a shotgun....not on him, but on the PC. Just joking, that might cause you both to be in jail and in court. I would say try this, get video camera, and tape him while he is ENJOYING himself, and then after the kids are gone, tell him you have a sex film for him to watch, and let him see himself. It might do some good, then again it might get worst. You have to decide. Are you sure he's not looking for something or someone else? If he's not looking for anyone else, then try getting some toys and a sexy outfit for you, and offer him a better night with you instead him jerking on himself
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): Thank you for your response to me, Mrs anonymous... lol... yes you caught me out. I got no kids, my floor is dirty, and I live in the poor area of London Town, so yes I'm a first class idiot. I'm an only child and my father wanted sons, so yes I'm a half way man as well. Of course I know that women have it hard. I just didn't have the space to do anything but tackle the problem of how to get a husband into bed. Waz has given the best advice, it's about equality and happiness in marriage. Suburbia is something I've seen on television, it's not really something I know anything about. But in my life, the women keep down a full time job, look after the kids, keep the house clean, give their partners money, help to pay all the bills, have good sex, go out with their friends, and try to keep the family life and home happy. So yes I agree, that a woman's work is never done, no matter where she lives. Thank you for the telling off, I must learn to be more female and be supportive to all my sister women who have kids, and try so hard... Blessings to you, I have listerned and I will try to change the things I say... :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): Sweet heart, I understand you! Men watch porn to fulfill there needs, they are ASSHOLES. My boyfriend watches porn (which he does alot) makes me feel i'm not fulfilling his needs and angry.
My boyfriend of 7yrs watches porn and it upsets me! I hate it!!!!!!!! I'll go to bed and say, night, will you be long? he says, i'll be up shortly and I say, ok and kiss him good night(but I lie cause it's not ok I want him to come to bed with me I know he will stay up & look at porn for hrs),as soon as i've brushed my teeth and settled in bed I cant sleep as i'm waiting/wondering what he doing or what porn he is looking at. I'm in bed waiting for you but you'd perfer to wank off over a woman on the internet ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I cant stand it
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): diovonLester, I cant believe your reply 'suburbia can be hard on a man"What a joke....do you not asee it can be soooo much harder on a woman...how many babies have you almost single handedly raised while your h sat on his backside watching tv....how many hours have you spent scrubbing floors while your man complained about having to answer phones on his backside at work and only being paid xyz $ for...(whilst you labour is neither recognised, appreciated nor paid....its a joke anyone who thinks men have it harder than women is either an idiot or a man!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): Thank you Waz,
Madam Wife, this is excellent advice to get your marriage back on the right track. Follow the Wizards advice to the letter and you, your husband and children will be sharing love together in no time at all..... Five point plan to find happiness, you have been lucky to get advice from the Wizard of Waz..... :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): PS: Living in surburbia can be hard on a man, maybe he needs some excitement in his life. Routines can take the fun out of life.... eg. Friday night, 5pm - get snacks, 9pm - put kids to bed, 11pm - watch porn, 2am - go to bed... Sex with wife, "you want to or what..."
You came downstairs and looked through the curtain, why didn't you take off your clothes and join him? You ask him to spice up your love life, well why can't you try spicing it up first. Take off your knickers and give him a flash at breakfast, put your bra in the bag he takes to work. Why does he have to ask, can't you grab his dick sometimes and say "honey, come to bed, I'm needing you tonight"... We're living in the 21st century, your married, you've got your man at home.... Use your imagination and try to spice up your sex life, maybe this is what he needs, maybe he has fantasies he'd like to try.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I think he just wants his me-time. Getting ready for it as much as he does is a little scary, and you should be concerned, but I do think it is normal for guys to spend this much time looking at porn.
Investing time in doing things together should help. Make nights special yourself. If he doesn't appreciate you then, then address him directly and maybe suggest counseling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): You present as aged 36-40 and currently living in the UK. Please take no notice of Ms anonymous, whose advice would be very dangerous to follow. She must have her own issues, but if you decided to find some hot young stud and your husband ever finds out, you'll find yourself in the divorce courts and your marriage will be over. Is that what you want, well forget the drama of cheating and divorce him and then find somebody else. Having sex with other people is not what your husband is doing, how would you feel if he was doing this to you? Is looking a nude girls the same as taking off your clothes and letting some man penetrate your body. Your husband dosen't lie to you, he is at home, you know where he is. Are you ready for the lies, the betrayal and heartache that comes from having an affair. Is your marriage really over, all because your man looks at some pornography once a week.
You come from the UK, the same as me. We've got pornography in our newspapers, we've got it on the TV. A man looking at pornography is nothing new. Your old enough to understand that this is what most men do. Should all women have an affair because they're husband is looking at page three. Don't be stupid, don't follow this vindictive woman's advice. She must be dreadfully unhappy, because she's trying to ruin your marriage and make you as unhappy as her.
Right... On to your marriage..... Your husband looks at porn for a couple of hours a week. That's not obsessive, it's not abnormal. He dosen't have an addiction, but there is a very, very big problem, because he's leaving you alone and making you feel unwanted and sad. It's got nothing to do with sex, he's not using porn for sexual relief, he's using porn to relieve stress, just like we women go shopping, watch sad movies or talk to a friend. Something's going on in his head, something is bothering him big time, he's trying to hide away and forget the thing that is stressing him out.
I know you want him close, you know something is the matter, and you can't understand why he's not turning to you. If he's the same age as you it could be anything. He could have problems at work, he could have problems with his errection, he may be bored of married life, he could feel disappointed with his choices in life. I don't know what it is, but you need to find out. You need to communicate with him and find out what is troubling him. How is your marriage apart from Friday nights. Has he got friends, does he go out. When is the last time you and he went on a date? Do you have you hobbies and interests, or do you cling to him tight?
You need to talk to him, he is using porn as stress relief because something is bothering him. Don't get angry and cheat, that's not fair. Talk to him (not on a Friday) tell him you feel alone, ask him if there is anything you can do to make your marriage loving and strong again.
RainbowSepent has given you some wonderfull suggestions. Why not go out on a Friday night with your own friends, why not go and find something to do with your Friday nights and leave him alone with his me time. An affair will only end in divorce, why not try romancing him and seducing him instead. He's still the man you married, but for some reason, he is hiding away and keeping his problems to himself. Marriage needs communication, kindness, and understanding to work. He needs your help, don't get angry, but try to communicate with him and find out just what the hell is going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): love go for it,find some hot young stud and have the time of your life...after all he is cheating by getting aroused over other women so you deserve some fun and to feel desirable again
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female
reader, RainbowSerpent +, writes (15 August 2008):
I don't think the fact your husband watches porn has anything to do with you, well, perhaps one small thing, but i caught my boyfriend watching porn and as i am young fit and attractive and very sexual, sorry but its contextual, i know that it wasn't because of me! a. men are designed to cheat, the fact he is watching porn is porbably a blessing, whatever you do, don't suggest a swingers club, as one taste of temptation will lead him astray for sure. Visually cheating is actually the least of your worries.b. Almost all men watch porn, fact of life. Maybe suggest watching it together, and acting out something you see on there.c. most likely, he looks for ward to this the way other guys look forward to football etc - it's 'me time' his time away from wife and kids, and its completely uncomplicated, he doesn't feel he has to please you. Perhaps he even has some strange fetishes and fantasies that he feels embarassed thinking about whilst having sex with you.d. you should before having an affair go the extra mile to spice things up. Take time away from kids, set up sexy scenes in kinky places, buy a sex book, like the kama sutra and leave it lying around somewhere. The fact he says he's too tired, has nothnig to do with work, it's psychological, he feels detached from you, there is no romance in your relationship.e. make sure you are fit, healthy, bright and sexy, particularly you want to garner the admiration of his friends, as men care more about what their friends think than anything else. jealousy will also make him want to have sex with you. f. he probably has a porn addiction, and addiction is anything that causes pleasure and extreme displeasure if he can't have access to it. You could try and find some way to break his habit, but you'll have to replace it with something equally pleasent to him, and find out what that is, maybe whiosper in his ear on friday evening, what is your dirtiest fantasy? And drag him to the brightly lit bedroom? Also, give him a really good hand job, look up the ode to brian. And if all else fails. Why are you with him again? I know, love, it binds us, if you really love him it will do so much damage to your heart to be without him, i do really believe, if, a few months down the line all else has failed, and if he is not seeing to you as much as his porn collection (in other cases, i think porn would be acceptable, if he was enjoying you too), then yes, have an affair, and really enjoy it! You might even meet the man of your dreams, but DON'T be fooled by the honeymoon feelings, if you do meet someone who rings your bell when the love between you and your husband has faded to the point where all efforts do not enable it to be rekindled, i suggest you make sure that this other man is either somehow characteristically or financially superior to make it worth while. Also, if you enjoy having an affair, and don't feel threatened by your husband being sexually adventurous elsewhere, then you might want to try swingers clubs or another couple to spice up your sex life, you have to be pretty confident that you and your husband are bound together by habit, children, or love, before attempting that though.
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reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (15 August 2008):
 I don't want to take anybody's side so i'll just tell you what I do.
Each time I start a relationship, I tell my partner that I love watching porn and that I don't do it because I want to hurt anybody it's just my little "me time" kind of thing.
Even if I have the best sex partner ever, I'll still do it because I like it. It's like I have control over everything, I can take my time and stop whenever I want.
Should "me time" replace "love time" with partner, I don't think so.
I also know that it's important to make your partner feel wanted/loved which I think you don't feel anymore. Based on "The fives love languages" book by Gary Chapman, there's 5 love languages in the world. If your partner doesn't speak your love language, your love tank will empty over time.
Life is not about finding the perfect person. It's about learning to love an imperfect person perfectly.
It's about finding his/her love language and speak it all the time.
Don't be a problem multiplier. Be a problem solver.
If you can't stop and study the world around you, then buy a book from a guy who studied what you want to learn all of his life and study it.
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