A
male
age
30-35,
*nickx
writes:Dear agony aunts, please help...Ive been talking to this girl for 2 months now. Shes gorgeous, smart, funny, sexy, has good morals, and i can hold a conversation with. Basically shes the perfect girl for me.. We're both juniors and 16..Because we live about 30 miles apart, my dad is really strict, and her parents are horrible to her, and she constantly works, we've only been able to meet twice, but i call her every night to make sure she's okay, and we occationally skype.. And im texting her every waking minute. In 2 months of 24 hour contact, we have yet to find that we dont have anything to talk about even for the shortest time.We are both so into each other... while i know someone here is going to tell me im naive (as i probably deserve to be called for this) we have told each other we love each other. we waited as long as we could to say it, but we told each other we loved each other (and we meant it). THis is the most sure ive ever been about this.. you arent going to change my opinion on this..Okay so anyways its been a while since we've actually been able to hang out. Now as i mentioned earlier... Her parents are horrible to her.. Her father hits her, and verbally abuses her for the simplist things..My girlfriend pays the bills for her family, cooks dinner, basically runs the family, but today after she made her brother lunch she sat down to watch a movie with him, her mother grounded her for not cleaning up the kitchen after she made lunch and not doing the laundry fast enough.. After that, she told me that she really wants to run away.Which i understand.. Because if i would have met her any later, i probably would have run away (my home life isnt that great), and im the only reason she hasnt run away from her family is me. Okay great. ive been able to help her so far.. I probably made a huge mistake a while back telling her about a dream i had that i ran away, took her, and we ran away together. Now she tells me she cant wait for that day.Well she told me that if she gets hit one more time, she's running away. Which again i understand. I asked her where she would go. She said her grandparents were down in florida, and that she had the keys to their house. she'd live in their house until march.. And when they came back up, she'd go down to florida and live in her grandparents house down there. We live in pennsylvania.So that about shattered my heart.. i think i managed to guilt her for now into staying there, but i know its only a temporary fix. so i told her wait one year, then we will both have graduated high school, and i can come take her and take care of her if we are still dating... But things are so bad there.. she doesnt want to and i dont blame herRight now i just care for her so much..**First. Is there anyway i can help with her father without actually reporting him or anything.. i really dont want to meddle into private affairs. this would really take care of the problem at its root.****Second. She is a pretty girl. Very capable of handling herself, because she already provides for her family, goes to school, works and does so much. But regardless of, a pretty 16 year old girl on her own is going to get taken advantage of. theres no way around that. I cant let that happen to her. I think she is smart enough not to go, but she is so desperate to leave this life behind and move on. Any idea how to try to talk her out of it? I am very persuasive (despite her stubborness) but this is one thing i havent been able to talk her out of**Okay time for mistake 2. I told her if she goes, i have to go with her. end of story. I did this because she doesnt want me to go, but knows that im stubborn enough that if i say im doing something im doing it. She wants me to stay with my family, and have a future and not end up like her..I just want to get this idea out of her head. Shes going to get hurt if she does it.. Also, i am not stupid. Im more mature than almost everyone i know. Yes i lack lots of life expecience that i would gain in the next year and college years by doing this.. But i feel she is my responsibility.. she trusts me to take care of her, and im partly the reason why she is running away now anyways.. And her health is so delicate, she has a weak heart, she refuses to eat most times because she has low self esteem (which has been another struggle of mine getting her to eat), she has a tumor that she is trying to get healed..And i am the only one that knows any of this, shes been so abused all these years im the only one she trusts... I feel i would be putting her in harms way if i let her go by herself. Dont get me wrong. i do not want to go.. My family life has improved greatly lately. But i am genuinely afraid for her.Agony aunts, please help =(
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female
reader, starstruck.x.x.x  +, writes (2 January 2010):
hey, i think what you said to her was spot on and i think you have now put her in your position and she now knows where she stands.
and persoanlly i think phone sex isnt hurting anyone so why not keep it up?
A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (2 January 2010):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Okay haha. I guess im in love then. =D
Yeah i really dont want to put her into care and i know that would happen... i just didnt know if there were any alternatives..
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Soon after i woke up, i thought about that.. if my decision was selfish or not. I know what its like. when i was younger my mom would abuse me. Fortunately, my parents got divorced and i havent seen my mom in over a year.
I normally dont call her in the middle of the day, but her dad was hung over from new years and started flipping on her for no reason.. So i called her to make sure everything was okay.. She was crying. It came up again. i asked her what she wanted to do.. SHe said she didnt know.. so this in a roundabout way is what i told her.
You know i care more about you than i do myself.. i really dont want you to go, but its selfish of me to ask you to stay when things are so bad. This is how i see it. No matter how capable of taking care of yourself, you are a pretty 16 year old girl. And on your own, in an unfamiliar place will get taken advantage of. No way around it. If you stay, i can't promise you things will get better. But i know, and you know you will atleast be somewhat safe. Somewhere to live, a good job, friends, your brothers and me to take care of you. If you go however, you will be putting yourself in harms way, and there is no guarantee that things will get better. In fact they may get much, much worse. You said it yourself, you're homelife is getting better now. You put up with it for 17 years now... please try for one more and then once we both graduate high school, ill come get you and you never have to look back.
She still wasn't sure but i could tell she was thinkng about it.
I asked her if she could live at a friends house for a while. she said she didnt want to be a burden to anyone..
Then i decided the best thing to do would be get her mind off of it.. make her happy. So i told her how much i loved her and then started phone sex.
Safe to say it got her mind off of it.
After that, she told me she loves me, that im the only one that cares about her, and because of me she is staying..
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I would be happy for her to get out of there. A friend, a close relatives house. But i know her. and she would get hurt if she was completely on her own however many miles it is from PA to FL, even if she just broke down herself from being scared.. shes had so many traumatic things happen in her life. Her biggest fear is being alone and down there she would be.
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Okay.. I realize that it wouldnt be the smartest decision.. I am well aware of what id be throwing away.. Right now i have plans to go to pitt to study medicine. vague plans. but plans. so yes i have a future, with or without her if i stay. And if i go, i know id be leading a completely different future. As i said... i really dont want to go. The reason i want to go is because i know her well enough that i think that before we got too far, she would regret her decision. If i cant talk her out of it, i want to be there when she realizes that going miles and miles from people that love her isnt the best thing for her. I know her better than anyone, and i also know how she feels.. we're so in sync sometimes i know what shes going to say before she says it and the other way around too. If she got half way there, and decided she had regrets about it, instead of turning back, im afraid she'd just give up. She'd make it up in her mind that she hurt me too bad by leaving and there would be no way that i'd take her back, even though that is so far from the truth. She'd hurt me, but id me more than happy to have her back in my life.
So thats my reasoning behind that..
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As far as the phone sex thing... i just want to know you're opinion on it.. Like idk. The day after christmas was the first day we had phone sex. and then we had it the next three days after we talked for a bit.
Dont get the wrong idea.. we're both virgins. One of the first things she told me before we even started talking was she plans on being a virgin until she gets married. which i totally respect and am fine with, and after our first time having phone sex, i promised her that no matter how sexual our conversations got, i would do my part to keep her a virgin until she got married.
And i really will. im not going to take advantage of her.
Not to mention, i never planned on it happening that first night.. it just happened. at that point we hadn't seen each other in a month, our plans to meet and have our first kiss kept on getting cancelled by bad weather, and so we started talking about what we imagined our first kiss to be like, and then started digging into each others sexual preferences. I never even thought of having phone sex with anyone. not even my past girlfriends, so i was very surprised at myself. She didnt plan on it either.
So its not like we are only in this relationship for sex. To me this is just a benefit. But idk.. do you think its a good idea to keep it up? Our relationship is perfect and better than i could ever ask for. Right now its not hurting it.
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A
female
reader, starstruck.x.x.x +, writes (1 January 2010):
First of all, I just want to say your not naive for stating that you love a girl...your just in love : )Now down to business, firstly, the only thing you can do to stop him beating her is to report him. however, this would put her whole family in jeopardy and she would probably go into care. secondly,you shouldn't think about yourself when a girl is in this situation, i know its really hard but if she is getting abused at home i think you should be glad she is getting out of there. if she does leave you should make sure you keep in touch with her to ensure she isn't getting hurt.thirdly, you need to know that in life, you cannot always help people. she sounds like she leads a very unhappy life but i am afraid you running away with her will make yours very unhappy aswell. being 16, you wont have any money any where to live once you leave her grandparents house and you will be leaving your education which will mean less choices for you in the future. im afraid to say that if she goes and you are not 100 million % sure you could leave with her and have no regrets about leaving your family, friends and education then do it. if not then stay, but dont feel guilty you cant always help people especially those who have a numerous amount of problems.
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